Is an affair the way to go?

It is natural for you to want to connect with the women you're with. Based on what I'm reading about you so far, it's not that that's selfish, it's your way of going about it. Is your aim to want to have sex with your wife or is it to connect with her?

There's plenty of married couple having sex daily yet they couldn't care less about one another, they're just focused on their orgasm because orgasms can be addictive. It's linked to dopamine and an orgasm can almost give you a high comparable to heroin.

You could ejaculate just once a month with your wife ( stay away from masturbation or porn) but in between that you have a sexual tension build up. You start of the first week just by holding hands and offering your wife a massage, these little things gradually build up and then you'll get the sex. But it's not about aiming just for sex here right? It's quality over quantity. Too many men want to simply get there penis inside a woman for a few minutes every day and it cheapens the act and makes it boring, rather then lasting it out, being patient, and being in control of their sexual energy.

I don't know about your wife but is it possible that she feels just as bad about the situation but can't figure out how to change it??

Hubby and I have been dealing with this situation for a few years now. We have been married for almost 20 years but only in the last 3-4 years it has been an issue. He is a amazing and we discuss this on occasion. I fear that he will one day have an affair because of my lack of sexual desire. He always reassures me that he loves me for way more than sex and it will never happen. I was sexually abused by 2 different very important men during my childhood, teen years, and it didn't stop until I got married to hubby.

Since doing trauma working with my therapist huge issues regarding sex have surfaced. Now pretty much every time I have sex I get flashbacks. I usually end up in tears (most of the time I hid it so he never knows) then you add psych meds which also cause sexual issues and this is a major issue for me.

Is it possible there is stuff going on with your wife??

Okay I haven't been on here for a while because I have been trying to make things work with my wife. I didn't make an appointment for the doctors because I went on a huge downer and chickened out as usual. Things aren't exactly moving fast, but they are moving. I have asked her if she is happy and if I can do anything to make things in our relationship better and she said she is happy but just tired with work etc. That is understandable and I don't want to push her. Things have happened..... not going into gory details but I think there may be hope still. I know I haven't necessarily followed everyone's advice or replied to everyone. But I would like to take this moment to thank you all for your support and advice. It is because of you guys that I am approaching it in the way I am. So thank you.

I don't agree with this. You're right, the WORLD doesn't owe you sex, but the person who MARRIED you should take care of your sexual needs. You cannot expect someone to just accept the fact that you're not in the mood for having sex, when they clearly need it. It is clear that unplugmealready has a normal, healthy need for sex, just like any husband would. He does not sound like a guy that is oversexed, he sounds like a normal guy that is being starved. Why should it be OK that his wife is withholding sex? It's not OK.

Unplugmealready, I think you've got some problems in your marriage and I think you and your wife have actually drifted apart because of some deeper reason, and the no sex problem is just a surface problem, a side-effect if you will. Please try not to have an affair though, and don't threaten your wife with it either. I know you said she seems bossy at times and you suffer in silence, I know she seems strong and stubborn, but it will hurt her very much. It's the non-verbal messages that hurt the most in life, and an affair is nothing more than a non-verbal way of telling your spouse that they don't do it for you anymore, without any explanation. You're going to have to sit down with her some time and talk with her, and tell her you think something is not right, it's the only way. You've got to dig a little. Even if she clams up, you just back off and you're back on her the next day. And, tell her, you're not going to give up that easily, you WANT to know what is going on, because you value your marriage to her and you love her. She cannot just do things (or refuse to do things in this case) and then clam up and refuse to offer an explanation. I know it's hard to push a loved one for answers but you may find that there is something really bad going on that you never even knew about. It might not even be about you, it could be something else entirely that has taken such a toll on her emotionally that she doesn't even want sex. It sounds like she maybe has depression. But, don't be shocked. It can happen to the happiest of people in the world. It's not something that affects only certain people. And, it strikes you in life when you least expect it, and most of the time you can't tell that depression is your loved one's issue all along. Sufferers don't appear sad at all, they appear very normal! But, you can tell though, in a very subtle way - it is like the person is not the same person you knew a few months/years ago. They've slowly changed somehow, but you can't tell how. They don't seem sad, the don't seem to fail at things, but somehow there's a different "vibe" to your relationship now. That's normally something that gives it away. So, I think the first thing you should do is check if she's doing normal things differently than the way you normally expect her to do something. A change in sleeping and eating patterns are normally a sign. But, you're going to have to discuss this with her.

If she really doesn't want to open up, then ask her directly if she still even wants to be married to you. Explain it to her that you have needs in the marriage and they are not being met and you want to know why, you have a right to know why because you guys are bounded by marriage. Marriage is not a joke, it's a serious commitment and should be respected and treated as such. If it's not working, you owe it to each other to find a solution, otherwise there's no point being married then and you might as well get a divorce.

Unplugme, you're on the right track, ok if you chickened out a little, but keep working on it, and find a way to talk openly about sex and sexual needs. Good healthy communication is very important to the future of your marriage IMHO. I seriously doubt you would be posting here if you just needed to get some ***** as someone inferred earlier. I don't think people stepping out is ever that simple. Sex is a very complicated thing, physically and emotionally, and unless someone is in your mind, they don't know what's really going on.

People with different sex drives find ways around it, if they're both open minded and want to help each other be satisfied. Even without a third person involved.

Best of luck.

Haven't had sex.in going on a year.. do I care.to live? Not much... been married 7 years.... I resent my wife in alot of these areas not just sex. . She's got 2 trillion excuses too

I'm 32.shes 29

Unplug,
I am very happy to hear that you are working on it and I'm glad you took the advice offered.

Go you!

W

Hi unplugme

I was a Mistress for 3 years, his wife wasn't interested in sexual intimacy. We worked together and it was apparent from day one we had sexual chemistry and we gave into it. Other than friendship we didn't have feelings for each other to start with and I would actually give him grief for not supporting her at times of stress.

But it did get complicated with emotions, he began telling me that he was married to the wrong woman I had no intention of being a home wrecker but it was heading that way so I stepped away so he could clearly think. We didn't restart our relationship despite his coming clean to his wife. They separated and it turned out she had been having an affair for almost as long as ours had been.

The point of my honesty is that their marriage was in trouble b4 me but my involvement prolonged the unhappy marriage. I would seek advice and therapy b4 going elsewhere for intimacy, it may prolong a situation that is unhealthy for all parties.

Good luck

PS. . . .

To anyone who feels the need to judge or berate me for my previous life choices I will kindly point out that people in glass houses should not throw stones.

Hi BDPpartner

Firstly I doubt anyone would/should judge you. Its equally as hard for the other parties involved. I thank you for your honesty. And in my previous affair, i hurt the Mistress too. She for a while became my partner but in the end it was such a mess and I ruined it for everyone. I honestly regret what i did and neither my wife nor my mistress at the time deserved any of it. The truth is I had completely lost the person I was. I was an empty shell of a man. I didn't live. I just operated from day to day. It had to be one of the worst episodes of depression i have ever endured. Apart from that the worst is that, yes I love my wife and children. I want my marriage to work. But I still have a place in my heart for the other person too. And I push past that as much as I can, but I do also feel I have spoiled everything and there is no easy fix. I have made my bed, i have to lay in it. But it takes 2 to tango and I wouldnt have ruined things had my marriage been different. That being said, i blame myself more for not being a man about it and making my marriage work. I not only ruined my life, but my wifes, my mistress and most importantly my children's. I am ashamed of myself for being so weak. But I am too weak to pull myself out a lot of the time.

Sorry I haven't replied to everyone but as always your support is greatly appreciated. Things are still slow and when I mention things in regards to the issues, she never changes her answers. She IS trying. Things may not happen as fast as I would like but rome wasn't built in a day. StbGuy I agree I think we have drifted, maybe due to some other reason. But not on my part. I have never changed my wants/needs, the way I treat her etc. I will need to do some digging like you say. She could be suffering herself. But she won't say. ~rider, thanks for the advice and yeah, we all have different sex drives so that is also a factor to take on board. Loophole, I feel for you. Its hard when it happens. The worst is not knowing why. And it can make you feel like there is no point in living. Maybe some of the others advice on here may be of some use to you also. And the Well, thanks for the support. We all need people we can lean on and although I am a stranger you all are prepared to take time out of your day to help out others in need.

It's nice when people are open to all kinds of advice from all kinds of people. You have been very open to everyone here. I wish you luck.

I think a marriage works like everything in life, it's a thing that must constantly evolve and adapt to stay strong/keep going. What used to work a while back, doesn't anymore. Things that remain the same tend to have a natural tendency to stop working after a few years in time. The only way is to communicate. The more information one has, the more of an informed (and correct) decision one can make, there is never a substitute for being well informed. I'm pretty sure there's something troubling your wife by the sounds of it. You said she was a strong person, opening up and becoming almost vulnerable are most difficult for such persons. She might be afraid that she will be judged by you and you might see her as weak. I know it sounds rather like oversimplification, but it could be something so simple that is simply holding her back from opening. Lots of encouragement and reassurance on your part will make her feel it's OK to open to you. She needs to feel that it is safe enough to do so.

Strong people often only have a hard or strong exterior, often they are the most soft, easy-to-hurt and vulnerable people on the inside, underneath all the outside armour. A strong exterior is a sign that someone is trying to protect their inner-being very much indeed!

Haven't had sex since wife found out she was pregnant... that was 11 months ago... yah I'm a little bitter

No, please don't do that!!! I'm only a teenager, and I have no idea what you have to deal with, but I would be so upset if my mom or dad had an affair.

What did you end up doing? @unplugmealready

I was in a marriage that sometimes went for over a year without any sex. We got divorced two years ago, and while it was difficult for everyone involved it was for the best. I was never going to be happy in a sexless marriage, and looking back my biggest regret was not getting divorced sooner. While sex wasn't the reason for our divorce it was clearly one of the reasons we drifted apart, though I never cheated.

Listen my friend an affair goes no where good. If you do it you hurt yourself, your wife and your family. Ultimately you end up losing it all. Find things that you and your wife enjoy together, don't pressure her, show her you love her and still care. I know you are only 31 so the old clock is ticking away, but don't mess it up. Respect, faithfulness, trust and love are the keys to a healthy relationship. Learn how to listen to your wife, be in tune with her needs, learn how to be emotionally intimate with her. Hang on and enjoy what you have and don't lose heart.

Hi all, it's been a while since this post. I didn't cheat. I talked it out with her. We have sex more often now. At least once a month. It's not that often but it's more than it has been. I feel better but struggle with anxiety and depression. But progress is progress

I've been having an affair for 11 months. I'm not very proud to say that, but only I am walking in these shoes of life.
I'm glad to read that you've talked it out & are moving forward. Hopefully into a better & stronger relationship.
I don't wish this struggle on anyone.