Is an affair the way to go?

Sorry I haven't replied to everyone but as always your support is greatly appreciated. Things are still slow and when I mention things in regards to the issues, she never changes her answers. She IS trying. Things may not happen as fast as I would like but rome wasn't built in a day. StbGuy I agree I think we have drifted, maybe due to some other reason. But not on my part. I have never changed my wants/needs, the way I treat her etc. I will need to do some digging like you say. She could be suffering herself. But she won't say. ~rider, thanks for the advice and yeah, we all have different sex drives so that is also a factor to take on board. Loophole, I feel for you. Its hard when it happens. The worst is not knowing why. And it can make you feel like there is no point in living. Maybe some of the others advice on here may be of some use to you also. And the Well, thanks for the support. We all need people we can lean on and although I am a stranger you all are prepared to take time out of your day to help out others in need.

It's nice when people are open to all kinds of advice from all kinds of people. You have been very open to everyone here. I wish you luck.

I think a marriage works like everything in life, it's a thing that must constantly evolve and adapt to stay strong/keep going. What used to work a while back, doesn't anymore. Things that remain the same tend to have a natural tendency to stop working after a few years in time. The only way is to communicate. The more information one has, the more of an informed (and correct) decision one can make, there is never a substitute for being well informed. I'm pretty sure there's something troubling your wife by the sounds of it. You said she was a strong person, opening up and becoming almost vulnerable are most difficult for such persons. She might be afraid that she will be judged by you and you might see her as weak. I know it sounds rather like oversimplification, but it could be something so simple that is simply holding her back from opening. Lots of encouragement and reassurance on your part will make her feel it's OK to open to you. She needs to feel that it is safe enough to do so.

Strong people often only have a hard or strong exterior, often they are the most soft, easy-to-hurt and vulnerable people on the inside, underneath all the outside armour. A strong exterior is a sign that someone is trying to protect their inner-being very much indeed!

Haven't had sex since wife found out she was pregnant... that was 11 months ago... yah I'm a little bitter

No, please don't do that!!! I'm only a teenager, and I have no idea what you have to deal with, but I would be so upset if my mom or dad had an affair.

What did you end up doing? @unplugmealready

I was in a marriage that sometimes went for over a year without any sex. We got divorced two years ago, and while it was difficult for everyone involved it was for the best. I was never going to be happy in a sexless marriage, and looking back my biggest regret was not getting divorced sooner. While sex wasn't the reason for our divorce it was clearly one of the reasons we drifted apart, though I never cheated.

Listen my friend an affair goes no where good. If you do it you hurt yourself, your wife and your family. Ultimately you end up losing it all. Find things that you and your wife enjoy together, don't pressure her, show her you love her and still care. I know you are only 31 so the old clock is ticking away, but don't mess it up. Respect, faithfulness, trust and love are the keys to a healthy relationship. Learn how to listen to your wife, be in tune with her needs, learn how to be emotionally intimate with her. Hang on and enjoy what you have and don't lose heart.

Hi all, it's been a while since this post. I didn't cheat. I talked it out with her. We have sex more often now. At least once a month. It's not that often but it's more than it has been. I feel better but struggle with anxiety and depression. But progress is progress

I've been having an affair for 11 months. I'm not very proud to say that, but only I am walking in these shoes of life.
I'm glad to read that you've talked it out & are moving forward. Hopefully into a better & stronger relationship.
I don't wish this struggle on anyone.

I feel your pain. Any anyone who judges just doesn't know how it feels. But I am determined to stay on the straight and narrow myself

Why have an affair when divorce is an option? I don't mean to judge but having an affair sounds rather selfish to me.

Thanks for the judgement. You're not in my shoes

-_______-

I am a woman. If I were married and stopped having sex with my husband, it would mean I didn't love him.

If I didn't love him, I would expect him to cheat on me. Whether right or wrong, a sexless marriage is not OK.

Thats when you should divorce them. I dont see ANY excuse to cheat. Any.

I would divorce him, but others may have extenuating circumstances.

Children, disability, lack of income are a few of those reasons. That is why I am not judging.

My aunt was cheated on. She found her now ex hubby in bed with another woman and was forced to leave as she and he were on his family farm. She and he had two kids together and that didnt stop her from getting those divorce papers. Bitter custody battle over the younger one as the older was off at college at that point.

I hated seeing that poor cousin of mine look so sad. She looked like she aged too much too fast. Cheating only hurts....never fixes.

Thanks even more for your black & white judgement call. Must be so nice to just know all the circumstances.
I have learned this.

Haters are going to hate! No matter what.

I pour my soul out on how and why I feel the way I do and you just harshly acuse me of black and white thinking? Sounds like you are the one doing the judging.

You've related a one sided story about your aunt. I'm sorry I didn't hear any marital details that you may be privy to? How your uncle feels? Intimate details about their married life? About the feelings of the other woman? What drove the issues surrounding the affair? Financial? Social? Sexual? Psychological? Childhood insecurities Etc. The list goes on & on!

Sorry I did not hear any reason for a judgement except your emotions.
There are deeper issues in a marriage & an affair that you nor anyone else are exposed to. It's between them.

People have a public life, a private life and a secret life.

We just don't know every detail to stand back & point fingers.

I was in your situation for a long time so I really understand and you are right
about the fact that sex is an important part of a marriage not everything but
still very important. I wont get into my story but in the end we did divorce
and in my situation I would have gone the rest of my life with out intimacy
and nobody can live that way forever.

Most women do not understand how important sex is to a man. Men live for sex. It is built into them (I am a woman)
Let me ask you some questions
Does your wife orgasm during sex? If you think she does have orgasms do you think she is faking them?

The whole point of sex is to orgasm and most women do not. So really what is point of sex if you know you are not going to orgams?

She may not feel appreciated. You may have very young children. She may secretly want sex but not with you. She may have a fantasy life in her head of what she wants and it is not happening.

What if you threatened to divorce?

Cheating is never the answer!! You must divorce and find someone who understands- though a lot of women do not. They think they do but don't!

I don't want you to lose your house, your kids, etc. but if she is not having sex with you at 30 years old, will she when she is 50??

I have been divorced, had kids, and without getting into a lot of discussion know both sides to this issue. And if I could have I would of had an affair when married!!! But I did not have time to meet anyone.

You need counseling with her, if she won't go, get rid of her. However, if you do get rid of her, she may find someone else that she DOES have sex with regularly!!

I agree that sex is very important in marriage. I do not think orgasm is always essential though it is nice. Sometimes I tease my husband into a Quickie. I seldom orgasm but it is still pleasurable just to have him inside of me.

In the final analysis it is the duty of the wife to please her husband and the husband to please his wife, I am there for him when he needs it and he is there for me.

I do not think an affair is a good answer. It destroys trust and creates all kinds or other issues for women who need to feel loved and secure. I do not know to what extent you have been able to talk about your needs with her in a supportive environment, just that most women respond to that. We need to feel loved and important to our men

In the long run a sexless marriage probably will not survive, but I would still fight for it with everything I have. I know each person's situation is unique and one size never fits all. But having been abandoned and then going through divorce in my first marriage it was awful painful. I see it as a last resort

Hugs
Larissa

Western philosophy teaches us that sex is about foreplay, intercourse & orgasm. There's so very much more to it if you look at the Eastern philosophy of tantric sex, ecstasy & spiritual consciousness in a sexual encounter.
There's a whole realm out there to be explored past the basic idea of sex & orgasm.