I fantasize about having an affair.

Is this normal? I've had fantasies for several years. My wife isn't all that interested in sex, even though when we were dating, she talked like she was. She claims it's not something she can do anything about. I tend not to believe her... she knows it's an issue, but refuses to seek a solution, despite the fact it is an issue for me.

Anyway, I fantasize about finding a sexual partner who is into sex.... I'd love to find someone who enjoys having an orgasm. I've never even been with a woman who had an orgasm... and I wonder what that is like...

I grew up as a Christian, and now identify as an atheist. I still have some very conservative values, and sometimes I wonder just why that is. I do care about ethics.... I know a little about various forms. I tend to be a utilitarian... The greatest good for the greatest amount of people sounds pretty good to me. So, I can't justify actually having an affair, because there is too much potential for harm.

I don't think there is anything wrong with that. I don't have a big house with a spiral staircase and white carpets, so I sometimes fantasise about that Doesn't mean if I was given the opportunity I would have that (especially given how clumsy I am) If you can say the same about your little fantasy, then I am sure it wont cause any harm?

Also if this is just a fantasy and not attached to anyone real then I don't think it is disrespectful to your wife really. x

First of all, you have my heartfelt sympathies. Fantasies are (mostly) harmless, and yours is normal. I have the same problem - I'm psycho-hyper-sexual, and my husband is frigid. It's frustrating, to say the least, but what happens in my head stays in my head, even though he gave me the go-ahead to find a "buddy with benefits." As fun as that sounds, I know that the reality is someone, somewhere along the line, is bound to get hurt. I don't want a "buddy," I want a faceless person that I'm guaranteed to never have to see again or run into accidentally run into. My "relationship" with anyone with other than my husband would have to be be "use once and destroy," and that's just not feasible.

I've actually made feeble attempts to have affairs with people I know... the last time was probably 7 years ago... and it's still embarrassing to think about it... because people tended to pick up on what I was doing.

I'm obviously very conflicted about it.

Then maybe this is a deeper problem that perhaps needs addressing? If you are not happy in your relationship then you need to leave and not have an affair really. If your wife does not want sex, then have you discussed maybe consensually taking on a 'buddy' mama talked about?

I know it must be really difficult and unforefilling for you and I am not judging you or your attempts at an affair btw x

^ the thing is.. I am pretty happy.. and we do have sex... it's just that I wish she was more into it..more willing to even try to have an orgasm... and more willing to get help for her obvious issues.

I have even thought about asking her permission to have an affair. but, even that question has a huge potential for causing harm.

but, then again, maybe my request would motivate her to get help....

forgive me for being judgmental.... but, how could someone get to be in their 40's without ever having had an orgasm?... or even a desire to try to have an orgasm.?.. sometimes I wonder if her mother really screwed her up somehow.

In her mind for men to have orgasms is normal and healthy... but, for women? she has a really weird way of thinking about it. like it's dirty somehow for a woman to want or experience one. and she just continually tries to justify her beliefs... like that's even possible.

Yes it's normal to fantasize about having an affair. I'm in a healthy sexual relationship and I still fantasize about being with other men. Now, there may be some emotional needs that aren't being fulfilled . . . But thems the breaks when it comes to monogamy.

What's not normal is how your wife refuses to seek help or explore her own sexuality. I'm not attacking her, I'm merely stating that she is removed from herself, and this is not normal. It's not healthy for your relationship, and it will begin to cause strife. It sounds like it already has.

It doesn't sound like she is just someone who doesn't like sex, who is non-sexual. It sounds like she has a neurotic aversion towards it. I can almost guarantee your wife probably gets the dirtiest flashes of fantasies going through her mind at times, and she probably feels insanely guilty for it.

Seeing as though her attitude seems to be that only "dirty girls" orgasm, I wonder if she would benefit from being treated like one? Maybe she needs to be put in that mindset in order to orgasm? I realize this may be kinky and extreme to some (it's barely anything to me), but it might actually work. She might benefit from being treated like a dirty girl. Maybe that's what she wants.

I'm not saying to break out a whip and start humiliating her, but maybe you could try something different, like blindfolding her or tying her wrists together. She needs the control taken away from her. She might need some more force.

Or maybe you should talk to her during it. Ask her what she's feeling. Ask if she feels good. Tell her it's okay to let go. Tell her to orgasm for you. Keep telling her. Don't give up.

This is just a thought. I could be totally wrong.

No, you must tell her that it will be so sexy if she let's it happen. And you're not lying, it IS - it is really beautiful to see a woman orgasm. After that you hold her tight in your arms and you guys bond on a really primeval level, in a way no words can ever describe. Your marriage will change totally, you'll see. Tell her she's beautiful and you love the way she looks and does things during sex. Tell her it's not dirty. Sounds to me like she is only afraid of judgement. Tell her it's just you and her, and she can let go as much as she wants.

You're so right!!! It IS deep-seated beliefs that are holding her back from just letting go and experiencing it. When women don't orgasm it's because they are not relaxed enough and feel dirty or like they are being judged for example.

I feel so badly for you wife actually. She really seems to have some issues, that's just so terrible. The only cure is to finally make her feel it. But, have you asked her also why really she doesn't want it. It sounds almost like she is afraid of orgasming. Does she have a physical condition or something that if she does get it, then she is in danger of some kind (heart palpitations or high blood pressure or something)? You're going to have to sit her down and find out. And, don't quit, no matter how much she tries to evade it.

Don't do it. It's not something you can ever take back. It would turn your relationship toxic. Your spouse deserves better than that. I could never cheat on my wife for these very reasons. If you are serious about this then your relationship needs to be over with your wife. I am sorry you feel this way.

There is nothing wrong with the fantasy itself, as long as you don't act it out if it has the potential to do damage.

Like already mentioned, there are other issues that need to be addressed here. I think maybe marriage counselling would be really beneficial here. I would also question why your wife has issues with it. If its something that she simply doesn't find interesting then that's fine, but it's the reason behind not wanting to that is important.

I have been with my hubby for 15 years. We used to have LOADS of sex, I mean I was sex mad. Then came medications...well simply, I just have no desire anymore. If my hubby wants to, I will...but I don't enjoy it anymore. He knows this too so keeps it to a minimum. We have learned to cope without it so much...we found strength in the other qualities our relationship has....yes sex is important, but I don't think it is impossible to have a happy relationship without it.

Basically you may have to deal with the fact your wife simply doesn't want to do it. You then have to decide what's more important to you and if your relationship is strong enough without it.

Physical contact is important to me but I get my needs met through a lot of hugs and holding hands. The sex mad girl from years ago would laugh at that.

Whatever you do, please don't ever justify cheating on her....going by what you said, I don't believe it would sit well for you and for the sake of a moment of passion, you could ruin everything you have with your wife...and it would also cause her so much pain.

Sorry I went on, but my point is, no harm in fantasy - as long as you don't act on it and also, important to figure out her reasons for not liking it and then from there you can decide what to do.

Mybe it would open the lines of communication for her to seek some help? I wouldn't like to advise that though as I really don't know you or your partner and I feel it would be irresponsible to encourage you. But maybe it is something you could think about some more?

Again, I couldn't reaaly comment. Has she never engaged in masturbation though? I can see how orgasming with a partner might be an issue for some women, but privately may be a different thing? if so, maybe you could explore that? x

never had an orgasm... claims never to have masturbated. she's never said it out loud... but, I get sense she wants to yell at me "good girls don't masturbate!". we've been married for 15 years, by the way. I know her pretty well.

again... I'm operating on the theory her mother really screwed her up. I have more evidence.... but, it's hard to explain.

Also have you tried connecting sex with more foreplay and tenderness and love? I am not accusing you of being a brute in the bedroom or anything lol But perhaps if the objective is not sex but more touching and intimacy (e'g touching and talking about the parts of each other's body you like or tickling etc.) it might open up a more sensual side to her ?

Sorry if that sounds stupid x

it doesn't sound stupid at all.

one of the reasons I'm so frustrated is that I have tried almost everything. I have tried doing what you mention above.... I've given up, because I can't make her like sex... and she just keeps repeating that she knows it's an issue, but she can't do anything about it. She's convinced herself that she already knows this to be true, so she has no reason to try to change.

It's frustrating, because it's all on me... she will take no responsibility.

Firstly, maybe there is nothing YOU can do to make her like it? Like metioned, there may be deeper issues at hand here. Try not to take it personally, this probably has nothing at all to do with you but all about the issues she has.

No, it is not 'all on you'..thats just your perception.

I really do think therapy is the best way to go for both of you

Having a part of your relationship missing will naturally cause a void in your relationship and that does need addressing imo. Maybe you do have to bite the bullet and throw it out there as a relationship ender? It is clearly NOT alright for you and if she does not take that seriously then perhaps forcing the issue is the only way? Not that I want your wife to feel hurt or anything, but more to wake her up to your own hurt x

The thing is.. I really DO NOT want to get divorced. She is a really good person in a lot of ways.... and I want to raise our son together.

I am sure you don't and I am not suggesting that you draw up papers or anything. What I am saying is use strong words to gain her attention and realise that this is something important to you and she is risking your future by disregarding that.

Let's face it, atm it is an issue that you feel you need to talk about and want resolving to be happy. What happens if in ten years it becomes a larger issue and cause of resentment for the reason you weren't happy for all these years? Things can build up over time and become the reason you have an affair and brake up your loving family or a loving relationship brakes down. I am not saying it will but maybe forcefully requesting this is dealt with now, could save that in the future? x

Hmmm it is a difficult one then. I suppose you could approach it as it being a human and heavenly experience and a way of a true connection with you in a more emotional way?

The thing is... she just keeps talking to people and talking about the subject in a way that makes it apparrant she already knows the "right"answer.