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Grand Magnate
Member Since Jul 2014
Location: US
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#1
Is this normal? I've had fantasies for several years. My wife isn't all that interested in sex, even though when we were dating, she talked like she was. She claims it's not something she can do anything about. I tend not to believe her... she knows it's an issue, but refuses to seek a solution, despite the fact it is an issue for me.
Anyway, I fantasize about finding a sexual partner who is into sex.... I'd love to find someone who enjoys having an orgasm. I've never even been with a woman who had an orgasm... and I wonder what that is like... I grew up as a Christian, and now identify as an atheist. I still have some very conservative values, and sometimes I wonder just why that is. I do care about ethics.... I know a little about various forms. I tend to be a utilitarian... The greatest good for the greatest amount of people sounds pretty good to me. So, I can't justify actually having an affair, because there is too much potential for harm. Last edited by shakespeare47; Sep 03, 2014 at 09:12 AM.. |
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Anonymous200265, Mama Char-Lee
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#2
I don't think there is anything wrong with that. I don't have a big house with a spiral staircase and white carpets, so I sometimes fantasise about that Doesn't mean if I was given the opportunity I would have that (especially given how clumsy I am) If you can say the same about your little fantasy, then I am sure it wont cause any harm?
Also if this is just a fantasy and not attached to anyone real then I don't think it is disrespectful to your wife really. x __________________ “You are a child of the universe, no less than the trees and the stars. In the noisy confusion of life, keep peace in your soul.”
― Max Ehrmann |
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#3
First of all, you have my heartfelt sympathies. Fantasies are (mostly) harmless, and yours is normal. I have the same problem - I'm psycho-hyper-sexual, and my husband is frigid. It's frustrating, to say the least, but what happens in my head stays in my head, even though he gave me the go-ahead to find a "buddy with benefits." As fun as that sounds, I know that the reality is someone, somewhere along the line, is bound to get hurt. I don't want a "buddy," I want a faceless person that I'm guaranteed to never have to see again or run into accidentally run into. My "relationship" with anyone with other than my husband would have to be be "use once and destroy," and that's just not feasible.
__________________ The secret of life is easy. "Make use of suffering." It makes the good times that much better.
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shakespeare47
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Grand Magnate
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#4
I've actually made feeble attempts to have affairs with people I know... the last time was probably 7 years ago... and it's still embarrassing to think about it... because people tended to pick up on what I was doing.
I'm obviously very conflicted about it. |
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Anonymous200265
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#5
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I know it must be really difficult and unforefilling for you and I am not judging you or your attempts at an affair btw x __________________ “You are a child of the universe, no less than the trees and the stars. In the noisy confusion of life, keep peace in your soul.”
― Max Ehrmann |
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shakespeare47
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Grand Magnate
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#6
^ the thing is.. I am pretty happy.. and we do have sex... it's just that I wish she was more into it..more willing to even try to have an orgasm... and more willing to get help for her obvious issues.
I have even thought about asking her permission to have an affair. but, even that question has a huge potential for causing harm. but, then again, maybe my request would motivate her to get help.... forgive me for being judgmental.... but, how could someone get to be in their 40's without ever having had an orgasm?... or even a desire to try to have an orgasm.?.. sometimes I wonder if her mother really screwed her up somehow. In her mind for men to have orgasms is normal and healthy... but, for women? she has a really weird way of thinking about it. like it's dirty somehow for a woman to want or experience one. and she just continually tries to justify her beliefs... like that's even possible. |
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falsememory7
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#7
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What's not normal is how your wife refuses to seek help or explore her own sexuality. I'm not attacking her, I'm merely stating that she is removed from herself, and this is not normal. It's not healthy for your relationship, and it will begin to cause strife. It sounds like it already has. It doesn't sound like she is just someone who doesn't like sex, who is non-sexual. It sounds like she has a neurotic aversion towards it. I can almost guarantee your wife probably gets the dirtiest flashes of fantasies going through her mind at times, and she probably feels insanely guilty for it. Seeing as though her attitude seems to be that only "dirty girls" orgasm, I wonder if she would benefit from being treated like one? Maybe she needs to be put in that mindset in order to orgasm? I realize this may be kinky and extreme to some (it's barely anything to me), but it might actually work. She might benefit from being treated like a dirty girl. Maybe that's what she wants. I'm not saying to break out a whip and start humiliating her, but maybe you could try something different, like blindfolding her or tying her wrists together. She needs the control taken away from her. She might need some more force. Or maybe you should talk to her during it. Ask her what she's feeling. Ask if she feels good. Tell her it's okay to let go. Tell her to orgasm for you. Keep telling her. Don't give up. This is just a thought. I could be totally wrong. __________________ "Every person, on the foundation of his or her own sufferings and joys, builds for all." ~Albert Camus Cymbalta, 60mg -- for the depression. Latuda, 40mg -- for the paranoia (delusional type). Adderall, 40mg XR & 5 mg reg -- for the ADD. Xanax, .5 mg as needed -- for the anxiety. Topamax, 50mg -- still figuring this one out. MDD, but possibly have some form of Bipolar Disorder. Then again, I could be paranoid . . . Well, at least I still have my sense of humor. |
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Trippin2.0
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#8
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You're so right!!! It IS deep-seated beliefs that are holding her back from just letting go and experiencing it. When women don't orgasm it's because they are not relaxed enough and feel dirty or like they are being judged for example. I feel so badly for you wife actually. She really seems to have some issues, that's just so terrible. The only cure is to finally make her feel it. But, have you asked her also why really she doesn't want it. It sounds almost like she is afraid of orgasming. Does she have a physical condition or something that if she does get it, then she is in danger of some kind (heart palpitations or high blood pressure or something)? You're going to have to sit her down and find out. And, don't quit, no matter how much she tries to evade it. |
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Magnate
Member Since Jul 2014
Location: VA
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#9
Don't do it. It's not something you can ever take back. It would turn your relationship toxic. Your spouse deserves better than that. I could never cheat on my wife for these very reasons. If you are serious about this then your relationship needs to be over with your wife. I am sorry you feel this way.
__________________ “Then what is your advice to new practitioners”? “The same as for old practitioners! Keep at it “. Ajahn Chah Bipolar 1 PTSD Social Anxiety Disorder Panic Attacks Parkinsonism Dissociative Amnesia Abilify 15mg Viiibryd 40mg Clonzapam.05mg x2 Depakote 1500mg Gabapentin 300mg x 3 Wellbutrin 300mg Carbidopa/Levodopa 25mg-100mg x 3 |
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Grand Magnate
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#10
There is nothing wrong with the fantasy itself, as long as you don't act it out if it has the potential to do damage.
Like already mentioned, there are other issues that need to be addressed here. I think maybe marriage counselling would be really beneficial here. I would also question why your wife has issues with it. If its something that she simply doesn't find interesting then that's fine, but it's the reason behind not wanting to that is important. I have been with my hubby for 15 years. We used to have LOADS of sex, I mean I was sex mad. Then came medications...well simply, I just have no desire anymore. If my hubby wants to, I will...but I don't enjoy it anymore. He knows this too so keeps it to a minimum. We have learned to cope without it so much...we found strength in the other qualities our relationship has....yes sex is important, but I don't think it is impossible to have a happy relationship without it. Basically you may have to deal with the fact your wife simply doesn't want to do it. You then have to decide what's more important to you and if your relationship is strong enough without it. Physical contact is important to me but I get my needs met through a lot of hugs and holding hands. The sex mad girl from years ago would laugh at that. Whatever you do, please don't ever justify cheating on her....going by what you said, I don't believe it would sit well for you and for the sake of a moment of passion, you could ruin everything you have with your wife...and it would also cause her so much pain. Sorry I went on, but my point is, no harm in fantasy - as long as you don't act on it and also, important to figure out her reasons for not liking it and then from there you can decide what to do. __________________ ’’In the end, it’s not going to matter how many breaths you took, but how many moments took your breath away’’ |
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shakespeare47
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#11
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__________________ “You are a child of the universe, no less than the trees and the stars. In the noisy confusion of life, keep peace in your soul.”
― Max Ehrmann |
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Grand Magnate
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#12
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again... I'm operating on the theory her mother really screwed her up. I have more evidence.... but, it's hard to explain. |
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#13
Also have you tried connecting sex with more foreplay and tenderness and love? I am not accusing you of being a brute in the bedroom or anything lol But perhaps if the objective is not sex but more touching and intimacy (e'g touching and talking about the parts of each other's body you like or tickling etc.) it might open up a more sensual side to her ?
Sorry if that sounds stupid x __________________ “You are a child of the universe, no less than the trees and the stars. In the noisy confusion of life, keep peace in your soul.”
― Max Ehrmann |
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allme, pommybt
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Grand Magnate
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#14
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one of the reasons I'm so frustrated is that I have tried almost everything. I have tried doing what you mention above.... I've given up, because I can't make her like sex... and she just keeps repeating that she knows it's an issue, but she can't do anything about it. She's convinced herself that she already knows this to be true, so she has no reason to try to change. It's frustrating, because it's all on me... she will take no responsibility. |
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silver tree
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Grand Magnate
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#15
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No, it is not 'all on you'..thats just your perception. I really do think therapy is the best way to go for both of you __________________ ’’In the end, it’s not going to matter how many breaths you took, but how many moments took your breath away’’ |
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silver tree
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#16
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__________________ “You are a child of the universe, no less than the trees and the stars. In the noisy confusion of life, keep peace in your soul.”
― Max Ehrmann |
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Grand Magnate
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#17
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Member
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#18
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Let's face it, atm it is an issue that you feel you need to talk about and want resolving to be happy. What happens if in ten years it becomes a larger issue and cause of resentment for the reason you weren't happy for all these years? Things can build up over time and become the reason you have an affair and brake up your loving family or a loving relationship brakes down. I am not saying it will but maybe forcefully requesting this is dealt with now, could save that in the future? x __________________ “You are a child of the universe, no less than the trees and the stars. In the noisy confusion of life, keep peace in your soul.”
― Max Ehrmann |
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#19
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__________________ “You are a child of the universe, no less than the trees and the stars. In the noisy confusion of life, keep peace in your soul.”
― Max Ehrmann |
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Grand Magnate
Member Since Jul 2014
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#20
The thing is... she just keeps talking to people and talking about the subject in a way that makes it apparrant she already knows the "right"answer.
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