[LittleRobin]

Please be sensitive, this is a really hard topic for me to breach and I'd appreciate it if you all would go easy on me....

I have suffered PTSD for the past 2 years, and my (now) ex-boyfriend has suffered for at least 5, but I feel like I shouldn't. I don't have the right to suffer from this condition, as its as a direct result from my mistakes as a teenager that caused it. I feel sick, anxious, my emotions are all over the place, I get flashbacks, break out in cold sweats and sometimes want to hurt myself because of what he's gone through and the trauma he's suffered because of me.

I'm 21 years old, and I was in a relationship from the age of 15 with my ex who I'm still head over heels in love with, we broke up 6 months ago because of a long list of things, the biggest being my sexual dysfunction.
When my boyfriend and I got together, it was as a result of me sexually assaulting him, though I had no idea that I had done such a thing at the time, he told me 3 years into our relationahip that I had raped him and I was horrified. I broke down in tears, in utter shock and disbelief, not understanding just what I had done. He said he forgave me, which I am eternally grateful and insanely thankful for, and we continued to date for another 2 years, however over those two years I started becoming more and more reserved in the bedroom.

At one point he told me he faked his orgasms, which of course is a huge blow to the confidence, and I became extremely self-conscious about my sexual performance and was tentative to even attempt anything sexual with him in fear of being terrible. I was able to somewhat push past that for a year or so before he bought up the rape topic again.

After that I was terrified to initiate any sort of sexual contact with him, I was worried that every time he was trying to be sexual wih me, he was doing it because he thought its what I wanted from him. I was (and still am) desperately in love with the guy, and I didn't want him thinking that I liked him for the sex and that was it, so I tried to slow it down and 'start from the top' as it were. But that made me seem as if I wasn't sexually attracted to him at all.

I became increasingly anxious in the bedroom and occasionally had to stop mid-way through intecourse because I would over think what was happening and have panic attacks. I started seeming as if I didn't care about his sexual needs when it came to me wanting to pleasure him, because I became anxious I was performing poorly and came across as numb or 'uncaring' when trying to get him off in order to prevent myself from spiraling into a panic.

Now we've separated, we're still good friends, he's accepted and understood that I've grown as a person and I know exactly what it is I've done thats wrong, I understand what happened and know not to dwell on the past and have learned from my mistakes, but his PTSD has gotten 10x worse and he seems to get flashbacks every week. He used to visit often and we used to hang out every fortnight, but now he's reluctant to see me.

I understand that he is in a far graver position than I am and I understand completely why he wouldn't want to see me. I deserve everything I'm suffering from, but its killing me. He was/is my only friend, and my only source of physical comfort (my family have never been the hugging sort and have never openly shown their love for me or my siblings) he taught me how to show love, how to be a good person and how to interact with others, so it hurts to see him so little.

I am not looking for sympathy here, nor am I looking to make myself the victim, I felt I needed to put my feelings somewhere and so I have.

Please feel free to give me your advice and thoughts on my situation, as long as they're not unkind.

Robin x

[kaliope]

without knowing more of the story it is hard to know what to say. my first response is that he was playing mind games with you to tell you that you raped him after three years, you say you were horrified at being told this, but you don't go into any detail as to whether his claims were valid. could he have been manipulating you into believing this for some reason?

regardless, I hope that you are in counseling as this situation, which you clearly didn't intend, has devastated your life and it is going to take much working thru to fix it. make sure to get someone who specializes in sexual trauma if you really want therapy to work,

[Patagonia]

(((Hugs)))
I found one part of your post a bit disturbing. You said you were sexually abused as a teenager & you're taking blame for these actions.
PLEASE don't do that! You have to understand that you were a teen, but you did not deserve this treatment. No one does. I think it's a bit harder to discuss csa as a teen bec we think we should've stopped it. This is how I feel anyway. You didn't ask for this & it's ok to treat yourself as a victim bec that's what you are. Responsibility is on your abuser! Not you
I hope this makes sense...took my nite meds & trying to write. Ugh.
Best of luck to you & I agree w/ Kaliope that you need a specialist as a counselor. Their out there & can make a big difference.

You sound like a very nice person. I think you need to see a counselor to resolve these issues. I think your ex may have been playing mind games with you. You were young and inexperienced. That's not a crime then and it isn't now. Please see a professional who will help you see things as they really are. You are worth the time and effort this may take many times over!!!