[LUTE20]

I have a high sex drive. When I was single I'd have sex with like sometimes 3 different people in a week. I'd have random hook ups with people I barely knew and then have a constant friend with benefits. I like having sex with strangers actually better than friends because I tend to let everything loose because of the less connection emotionally. And the lack of judgement. Anyhow I need to have sex like everyday at least usually more than that. I masturbate too but sometimes get really upset afterwards. Frustrated I guess you could say. Well I have been in relationships before and never cheated as long as we had sex everyday at least and weren't boring in bed. If they didn't id usually find someone new and we'd break up. My relationships have been short for this reason. I had gotten into my current relationship and this has lasted over a year. She had a high sex drive and we got on well. I never wanted to cheat. Until we got pregnant. Then she got subconscious and stopped having sex as the pregnancy progressed. I went without sex for about a month. We broke up shortly and during this I slept with a man I met that day and my coworker. I got back with my then gf. But I continued to have sex with my coworker. But I broke it off with her soon after I got back with my then Girlfriend. I tried to not cheat on her and we ended up getting married quickly for her parent's sake and I managed to not for a few weeks but I was running on complete empty. I respect that and therefore look elsewhere for sexual satisfaction. I know that's not allowed in our marriage for me to have someone else. I started an affair with a guy I worked with. It's hardly at all any emotional connections besides that we work together. I am really comfortable with him physically. He's good with sex and we've even talked about having a thresome with his SO. And I'm totally down for that. I can't have him every night though so I've basically had to cheat with 2 different people to satisfy my needs. But with her I just don't like it because she's single. I kind of feel like although we don't even know each other she's too affectionate. I don't feel emotionally attracted to either of them. It's simply the fact that I can't have sex everyday or near that with my wife why I'm having sex with them. Anyhow am I a sex addict? And I really just feel like I like sex a lot and can't go without it long.
I had a 7 month relationship before this relationship and didn't mind being monogamous. Advice?

Hello Lute20: You know... it's not for me to tell you whether or not you're a sex addict. And I think it's probably not for anyone else here on PC either. This is something that is best diagnosed by someone who has credentials in this area & who can get to know you a bit better than we can here on PC.

Clearly, however, you have a powerful capacity for sexual activity; enough that, from my perspective, it is going to continue to create relationship difficulties in your life probably for years to come. So my thinking with regard to your situation is that this is something you may want to look into in depth. This might include both medical & psychological services. I would suspect it will be difficult for you to find a permanent relationship where you will be able to continue to pursue the kinds of sexual encounters you have now. And, while you may now be content with the lifestyle you're leading, as you age, you may tire of all of these casual liaisons & wish you could establish something more settled & permanent.

So that's my perspective. I hope it is helpful in some small way or other. My best wishes to you.

[CantExplain]

It sounds like sex with just one partner is never going to satisfy you. In that case, marriage is probably not for you.

The pregnancy is an awkward complication.

[Utterly]

Originally Posted by The Skeezyks

Hello Lute20: You know... it's not for me to tell you whether or not you're a sex addict. And I think it's probably not for anyone else here on PC either. *SNIP*

OP: I agree with this, although not for the same reason as Skeezyks. There isn't a diagnosis called Sex Addiction (although a vague diagnosis existed in DSM-IV-TR.) The idea of compulsive sexuality is highly controversial in the clinical mental health community. The proponents of the idea of sex addiction are either authors of books pushing the idea, or operators of sex addiction clinics/practices.

While there is some evidence of sexual compulsivity (as a unique/separate construct,) there is no evidence as to the mechanism, impulsive/compulsive or addictive (neurologically or behaviorally even!) There is also controversy about its connection to disorders like ADHD.

What does all this mean? Forget the label itself and focus on the impact it has on your life. I kind of agree that marriage might not fit, and be more careful with protection.

[LUTE20]

Originally Posted by The Skeezyks

Hello Lute20: You know... it's not for me to tell you whether or not you're a sex addict. And I think it's probably not for anyone else here on PC either. This is something that is best diagnosed by someone who has credentials in this area & who can get to know you a bit better than we can here on PC.

Clearly, however, you have a powerful capacity for sexual activity; enough that, from my perspective, it is going to continue to create relationship difficulties in your life probably for years to come. So my thinking with regard to your situation is that this is something you may want to look into in depth. This might include both medical & psychological services. I would suspect it will be difficult for you to find a permanent relationship where you will be able to continue to pursue the kinds of sexual encounters you have now. And, while you may now be content with the lifestyle you're leading, as you age, you may tire of all of these casual liaisons & wish you could establish something more settled & permanent.

So that's my perspective. I hope it is helpful in some small way or other. My best wishes to you.

I don't really want to do what I'm doing. I'd prefer to have sex with my wife but she's dealing with issues of her own currently. So since im not getting it from her I am getting it from someone else. But I don't love either of them. I'd actually like to work things out with her but I feel like she's not going to even stay after our daughter's born. But before she stopped wanting sex I was content having sex with just her. My last girlfriend was the same I enjoyed sex just the same with just one girl monogamously just fine. I actually was happier because I emotionally bonded with them rather than just ****ing random people or a friend. I like being in a relationship. It's just the problems with the lack of sex and other problems in the relationship currently. But most of the time the good outweigh the bad. I just need a lot of attention in a relationship and if I'm unwanted I go where I'm wanted.

Just to clear up a few things.

Also I didn't break up with her due to the lack of sex it was actually a disagreement about getting married due to her being pregnant and her family pressuring her to. I never felt marriage was a good idea for me. When she left I went to a club and hooked up with a guy I met there. I didn't dump her because of the lack of sex.

[Webgoji]

Originally Posted by LUTE20

I like having sex with strangers actually better than friends because I tend to let everything loose because of the less connection emotionally. And the lack of judgement.

I'm certainly nobody to make a diagnosis of addiction, but these two sentences screamed at me.

It really sounds less like this is a sexual issue and more of an emotional issue that exhibits itself sexually. For many people, the emotional intimacy is extremely important. We let our guards down and we're emotionally vulnerable. We let our partners into our world.

Why would sex without that emotional aspect be so much better? Why would sex with a stranger be so much better? I think it goes waaay beyond judgement. It seems almost like validation (thus the reason you get frustrated and upset with masturbation). But there's some fear of emotional rejection.

That's not saying finding someone who shares a similar sex drive isn't important, but the underlying reasoning is so critically important.

Personally I would suggest you speak with a therapist. Not only talk about your drive, but why it's there. What are you looking for? Especially about your frustration concerning masturbation and peaked interested in strangers.

[LUTE20]

Originally Posted by Webgoji

I'm certainly nobody to make a diagnosis of addiction, but these two sentences screamed at me.

It really sounds less like this is a sexual issue and more of an emotional issue that exhibits itself sexually. For many people, the emotional intimacy is extremely important. We let our guards down and we're emotionally vulnerable. We let our partners into our world.

Why would sex without that emotional aspect be so much better? Why would sex with a stranger be so much better? I think it goes waaay beyond judgement. It seems almost like validation (thus the reason you get frustrated and upset with masturbation). But there's some fear of emotional rejection.

That's not saying finding someone who shares a similar sex drive isn't important, but the underlying reasoning is so critically important.

Personally I would suggest you speak with a therapist. Not only talk about your drive, but why it's there. What are you looking for? Especially about your frustration concerning masturbation and peaked interested in strangers.

Well I've never really been into sex as apart of my emotionality. It's just apart of my sexuality. I don't have to pretend that I have any certain emotional connection to sex when I'm with a stranger. That lack of connection is a bit liberating. A few other reasons too but I have stuck to one person I knew monogamously I just happen to prefer no strings attached sex as I don't consider sex to be connected to having feelings for that person.

I get frustrated because I want the real thing. And it also makes me more likely to cheat. I masturbated like twice that day when jake and I had sex the first time. And that was all serendipitous and off impulse.

[ChipperMonkey]

Honestly, I don't think you will EVER find a "satisfying" marriage if the "requirement" is for sex every day, oftentimes multiple times a day, and when you go through a SMALL drought you jump ship and start having sex with other people. Yes, you have a high sex drive, but at the same time you are CHOOSING to cheat on your partner and have sex with other people. Even high sex drive partnerships need to be able to weather the rough times or the relationship is doomed to fail. I'd say you need some sort of therapy in order to get to the root of the matter. But no, this isn't the fault of just an "unsatisfying marriage" as you've had this pattern throughout your life.

[LUTE20]

Originally Posted by Utterly

OP: I agree with this, although not for the same reason as Skeezyks. There isn't a diagnosis called Sex Addiction (although a vague diagnosis existed in DSM-IV-TR.) The idea of compulsive sexuality is highly controversial in the clinical mental health community. The proponents of the idea of sex addiction are either authors of books pushing the idea, or operators of sex addiction clinics/practices.

While there is some evidence of sexual compulsivity (as a unique/separate construct,) there is no evidence as to the mechanism, impulsive/compulsive or addictive (neurologically or behaviorally even!) There is also controversy about its connection to disorders like ADHD.

What does all this mean? Forget the label itself and focus on the impact it has on your life. I kind of agree that marriage might not fit, and be more careful with protection.

That's good to know. I don't really feel addicted tbh. I just feel like I like to have sex a lot. But I can have one person that I get that from. I can be attracted to someone and control the impulse not do anything about it as long as I have someone else is in my life.

Yeah I never felt I really believed in marriage for myself.

I've been safe. I wouldn't have unsafe sex and stay married to my wife. For the small chance of things ever get back to how they used to be. I wouldn't put her at risk like that.

[gloamingone]

I also have a high sex drive, but my boyfriend only wants it every few months. It's been really hard, but since I'm committed to him and love him, I've made a conscious choice not to cheat on him.

I agree with other posters. If fidelity isn't in the cards for you, marriage probably isn't a good idea.

BTW, congrats on the pregnancy!

Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk

[LUTE20]

Originally Posted by gloamingone

I also have a high sex drive, but my boyfriend only wants it every few months. It's been really hard, but since I'm committed to him and love him, I've made a conscious choice not to cheat on him.

I agree with other posters. If fidelity isn't in the cards for you, marriage probably isn't a good idea.

BTW, congrats on the pregnancy!

Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk

Being faithful has always been a priority to me and I've never cheated on anyone before because I don't really believe in it I felt like if I was going to be with someone else I wasn't going to hide it. I really wish I didn't feel I had to do this. It's just like it is like food O can't go without food for months on end neither can I do the same with this. If I wanted to be unfaithful I'd have told her and not cared about her feelings. But I didn't because I feel like we had so much together. It's hard to kiss it all goodbye.

Fidelity wasn't really a problem for me until I stopped having sex and she became a different person than she was before she got pregnant.

[derekgraham78]

I'd recommend you visit http://www.saa-recovery.org and look over the info on the site. I personally did and it was helpful in determining that I was a sex addict

[LUTE20]

Originally Posted by ChipperMonkey

Honestly, I don't think you will EVER find a "satisfying" marriage if the "requirement" is for sex every day, oftentimes multiple times a day, and when you go through a SMALL drought you jump ship and start having sex with other people. Yes, you have a high sex drive, but at the same time you are CHOOSING to cheat on your partner and have sex with other people. Even high sex drive partnerships need to be able to weather the rough times or the relationship is doomed to fail. I'd say you need some sort of therapy in order to get to the root of the matter. But no, this isn't the fault of just an "unsatisfying marriage" as you've had this pattern throughout your life.

I've actually never cheated before. So it's not a pattern I'm usually just open about it. Last time i told my ex that I was going to see this other girl and it was his choice to stay or not. I don't cheat normally because I don't like sneaking around.
I don't really like sneaking around. So I'm planing on telling her at some point. I just feel like if she's going to leave what's the point in adding this to it.

[LUTE20]

Originally Posted by derekgraham78

I'd recommend you visit SAA ? Home and look over the info on the site. I personally did and it was helpful in determining that I was a sex addict

At least 2 of those were right but I haven't read all the information yet.

[LUTE20]

Originally Posted by derekgraham78

I'd recommend you visit SAA ? Home and look over the info on the site. I personally did and it was helpful in determining that I was a sex addict

2 of those were correct.

[hamster-bamster]

Originally Posted by derekgraham78

I'd recommend you visit SAA ? Home and look over the info on the site. I personally did and it was helpful in determining that I was a sex addict

This has been covered already on the first page of the thread - the site you recommend uses highly questionable "diagnoses" in order to recruit people whom they convinced to join. The so called "self-assessment" includes leading questions, manipulative language, intellectual dishonesty and so on and so forth. Plus, the questionnaires on such sites are worded specifically so that MOST people would come out with a negative label.

There are psychological tests that are validated on millions of people, such as the Millon or MMPI inventories. This kind of thing is pseudo-scientific to put it mildly. Plus, when you get tested using REAL tests (the ones that have been vetted and validated through and through and developed by real experts - even those tests are not perfect though, but at least they offer the best available option), the psychologist doing the assessment, more often than not, is not a treating psychologist and thus has no interest ($$$) in the outcome. You go to a testing psychologist, go through a battery of tests, the psychologist read your results, interprets them, and provides a writeup FOR your therapist. The testing psychologist receives a one time honorarium for the assessment and then bye-bye. The treating therapist develops a treatment plan partially relying on the psychological assessment results and partially relying on knowing the client and on what the client wants. In that setup, both that the tests have been validated on millions of people and that they have a lot of very similar questions which ultimately gets as close to the truth as possible, AND the lack of the evaluating psychologist's monetary gain from giving the client any kind of labels or diagnoses provides for the most objective assessment possible. Not perfect, no, but as objective as they get. Finally, on real psychological tests, you get to learn where you stand with respect to the whole population of test takers.

Here, the self-assessment told you that you are a self addict, whatever it means. What about others? Are you the only sex addict? Are 90% of other people who took the test also sex addicts, whatever it means? And if the latter, is it really a disorder if 90% of users have it? And what about self-selection - since you happened to be on that site where you took self-assessment, you self-selected as someone who thinks that he is a sex addict.

This is just a very brief list of shortcomings of such "assessments".

Originally Posted by Utterly

OP: I agree with this, although not for the same reason as Skeezyks. There isn't a diagnosis called Sex Addiction (although a vague diagnosis existed in DSM-IV-TR.) The idea of compulsive sexuality is highly controversial in the clinical mental health community. The proponents of the idea of sex addiction are either authors of books pushing the idea, or operators of sex addiction clinics/practices.

While there is some evidence of sexual compulsivity (as a unique/separate construct,) there is no evidence as to the mechanism, impulsive/compulsive or addictive (neurologically or behaviorally even!) There is also controversy about its connection to disorders like ADHD.

What does all this mean? Forget the label itself and focus on the impact it has on your life. I kind of agree that marriage might not fit, and be more careful with protection.

[hamster-bamster]

OP: I find it hard to believe that all that extensive sexual experience of yours is so useless in the face of your current challenge. You cannot convince a pregnant woman that she is completely awesome now and that you are absolutely doing to do her? Think hard . Do something. Basically, you like her, she likes you, in the past things were OK, and now you cannot help her get out of what you dubbed "her going subconscious"?? Pregnant women do have sex - why should she be an exception? You do not have sex addiction, but you do have difficulties with creative problem-solving. There are no 12 steps anonymous groups to help with that - you need to think think think and ask around for ideas, process the suggestions, adapt them to your situation, and implement them. Can you open another thread (on here and on the forum for men) about how to sweep a pregnant lady off her feet and carry her onto a king size bed for some action?? That is what you should be worried about - addiction you do not have because you are fully functional. While the term "sex addiction" is highly dubious, if we accept that sex addiction exists, we would need to apply the same yardstick to it as to other addictions, and thus would need to look into whether there are functional impairments. You do not report any functional impairments. You just lack creativity. It could be due to the dichotomy you maintain between random strangers and your partners to whom you are attached. From what you have written, you are inhibited, to some extent, when you are having sex with an emotionally meaningful partner, but when it is with a stranger, things are great and you shed all your inhibitions.

So now your woman is going through a strange period of inhibitions of her own, and instead of trying to break through them you defect. But that is boring. Challenges are needed, from time to time, to lead a meaningful life. You are now up to the challenge of having sex with a pregnant woman - find ways to overcome that hurdle and you will be that much happier and more proud of yourself in the long run, even if the marriage, sham as it is, is going to end soon.

As for the marriage - it really is not a marriage. It is a formal arrangement in which you entered to placate her parents.

[Puglife]

It sounds like marriage to anyone at this stage of your life is not the right choice. There are very few people that can live up to your expectations of sex almost daily on a consistent basis. Your wife is pregnant and her body is going through a lot of changes, not to mention emotional changes. After the baby is born it will probably be even worse for the first six months to a year. You are cheating on her with both men and women. If you even have sex with your wife occasionally right now you are risking the health of your wife and baby.

How are you going to manage the six weeks after she gives birth when she can't have sex? Obviously you married her out of a sense of obligation. Do you love her and want to be committed to her? Even if that means sex less than every day? If you can't be honest and can't commit then it's better to formulate an exit strategy and figure out how to co-parent.

Good luck!

[hamster-bamster]

Originally Posted by Puglife

How are you going to manage the six weeks after she gives birth when she can't have sex?

Actually, a woman following a vaginal delivery without some horrendous complications can have sex within a couple of days of giving birth. I had intercourse probably on day 3, after a homebirth. That this myth of lack of safety of intercourse following a vaginal delivery is perpetuated is rather sad.

It is true that a Cesarean section is a major surgery and the post-op after a C-section includes a great many restrictions, and one of them is not having sex. But for normal delivery, sex after birth is like sex during a menstrual period - there is blood flowing, but it is OK. Prohibiting sex for 6 weeks postpartum as a RULE - not as an exception for post-C-section recovery or recovery after a complicated birth with tears or what not or maybe episiotomy which unfortunately is practiced all too widely still - is a practice in hospitals to avoid liability. The only thing that is special about the 6-weeks postpartum mark is that for the most part the blood is gone and the uterus is almost back to the pre-pregnancy size. For that reason, the placement of IUD (coils) post-birth is timed to that 6 weeks postpartum mark. But having intercourse does not involve the insertion of a coil into the uterus so those requirements of having the uterus fully contract need not be met for the intercourse to occur safely.

Another reason, besides liability, for that 6 week prohibition probably (I am not positive, but given the history of childbirth and childrearing in America, it is a likely hypothesis) is that when this prohibition was thought up, women habitually bottle-fed. Thus, their uteri did not contract normally after the birth. Women are not "designed" to bottle feed and their bodies/uteri are not "designed" to go through the post-partum period without nursing. Nursing on the nipple causes the uterus to contract. Each suckling motion initiates a contraction. If an infant is nursed on cue (and for many infants this means round the clock...), he causes such powerful contractions of his mom's womb that the lochia (postpartum blood) very quickly get expelled. If a woman does not nurse, that mechanism is not set in motion, and the uterus would take MUCH longer to return to the original size. When that 6-wk-postpartum prohibition was established, possibly again, the OB-GYNS habitually saw bottlefeeding women and simply did not have a first hand knowledge of how the postpartum period NORMALLY should unfold.

The 6-wk postpartum prohibition on sex as a rule (as opposed to some high risk scenarios) is an epitome of stupidity, because little babies sleep a lot and do not crawl. They also do not turn over. They also do not yet have a tendency to put interesting small objects into their mouths. They sleep a lot. Those qualities of tiny babies make the period of early infancy perfect for 2 things:

- air travel (traveling with a 1 month baby is a breeze compared to traveling with a 11 month baby bent on exploring)
- sex

So basically this unwarranted advice causes marital trouble, because when things are easy, sex is prohibited, and when sex is allowed, babies start being more demanding and things are no longer easy.

This long write-up is more for OP - OP, I think that your wife is simply not in good hands in terms of her prenatal care. It sometimes happens that women shun sex during pregnancy, but it does not HAVE to happen. Same for postpartum. Maybe she should read some books that present pregnancy as a normal stage in a woman's life and not a medical condition, or at least think about how peasant women gave birth in the past. They worked in the fields during pregnancies and shortly after birth, too - nobody tiptoed around them during their pregnancies.

As for your plan to tell her what you have been doing only after the birth, I think it is wise - she does not need extra stress now. I do not know if she cares; from what you are describing, she likely does not care, but still, you never know - people differ so much in that respect. Plus, if she decided not to have sex while pregnant EVEN THOUGH she used to have a high sex drive, something in her head must have changed profoundly. She seems to be operating in a crisis mode rather than breezing through pregnancy with delight. In a crisis mode, she does not need more crises, right? Your telling her MIGHT (or might not, but better be safe now) become another crisis for her.

Overall, the most striking part of your account is how dispassionate it is. You describe things rationally fine - prefer not to have a double life, like this but also like that, wife had a high sex drive fine, wife has no sex drive now fine, this way fine, that way fine, whatever. The only mention of her pregnancy is in connection with her not having sex. You show no emotion (negative or positive) on account of the upcoming birth; you do not report attempts to have non-vaginal sex with wife (as would have been reasonable as the first thing to try before abandoning the idea of continuing to have sex with her altogether, but you did not even think about "workarounds"); keep living with her fine, splitting up with her fine, no mention of whether you plan to parent the baby if you split up...

... frankly, it is kind of boring and repetitive:

1) OK, she cannot have sex now so I will have sex with this guy.
2) Oh, she is ready to go back in bed, bye-bye that other guy because I prefer monogamy.
3) Oh, she is pregnant again... I hope she does not go back to her ways of abstaining while pregnant, but I won't tell her that I want her to continue having sex with me - why would I bother when I can just watch things unfold and act accordingly (go back to (1) above).

It is almost as if the people you are describing were almost interchangeable; almost without their own will, passions, desires, insecurities, preferences, fears, and the rest of the stuff that makes people unique humans.

Also, it is almost as if you were resigned to just let life happen to you. Pregnant? Parents wanted you to marry? Sure thing. Something is not working out? You defect because why would you try to solve puzzles and clean up messes?

You are taking the path of least resistance, to sum up. It may be convenient, but ultimately it is a waste of life, I would have thought.

PS I do not mean to say that you are an amoeba. You do talk about PREFERENCES - e.g. you prefer monogamous sex with high frequency, and a lot of women would like that preference of yours while yet many others would not. But it is so... tepid. So-so. Nothing strong. Yeah, this way is much better than that way, but not to the point of your passionately fighting to get it the way you like.

So you are dispassionate, just with weak druthers, but without a passion. Have you always been like that, just going with the flow?

I am thinking that sex with strangers has figured out so prominently in your life because people you describe appear interchangeable. As long as it is a human, you do not really mind having sex with him or her. If the same person sticks around, all the better - it is simpler this way anyway (no complex logistics, streamlined reliable processes), but if not, it is OK, too. I know that now you are having sex with a man and like him physically, but I know nothing at all about who he is. The wife - you mentioned only the high sex drive before and no during pregnancy and the situation with her parents. Who is she? You did not describe her. No quirks, no character... like an automaton. What drew you too close? You say that you always use protection with sex, but she is pregnant, so you must have deliberately made her pregnant (the failure rate of condoms in skilled hands is very low, and your hands ought to be skilled ). Why did you deliberately make her pregnant? And why now that she is pregnant you say absolutely nothing about the baby who will arrive. And you do not care if you stay together. So what was going on in your mind when you were making her pregnant? You also write so coldly and rationally that it is hard to imagine you doing anything compulsive or under the influence of drugs and alcohol.

SO WHY DID YOU DELIBERATELY MAKE HER PREGNANT?

[LUTE20]

Originally Posted by hamster-bamster

OP: I find it hard to believe that all that extensive sexual experience of yours is so useless in the face of your current challenge. You cannot convince a pregnant woman that she is completely awesome now and that you are absolutely doing to do her? Think hard . Do something. Basically, you like her, she likes you, in the past things were OK, and now you cannot help her get out of what you dubbed "her going subconscious"?? Pregnant women do have sex - why should she be an exception? You do not have sex addiction, but you do have difficulties with creative problem-solving. There are no 12 steps anonymous groups to help with that - you need to think think think and ask around for ideas, process the suggestions, adapt them to your situation, and implement them. Can you open another thread (on here and on the forum for men) about how to sweep a pregnant lady off her feet and carry her onto a king size bed for some action?? That is what you should be worried about - addiction you do not have because you are fully functional. While the term "sex addiction" is highly dubious, if we accept that sex addiction exists, we would need to apply the same yardstick to it as to other addictions, and thus would need to look into whether there are functional impairments. You do not report any functional impairments. You just lack creativity. It could be due to the dichotomy you maintain between random strangers and your partners to whom you are attached. From what you have written, you are inhibited, to some extent, when you are having sex with an emotionally meaningful partner, but when it is with a stranger, things are great and you shed all your inhibitions.

So now your woman is going through a strange period of inhibitions of her own, and instead of trying to break through them you defect. But that is boring. Challenges are needed, from time to time, to lead a meaningful life. You are now up to the challenge of having sex with a pregnant woman - find ways to overcome that hurdle and you will be that much happier and more proud of yourself in the long run, even if the marriage, sham as it is, is going to end soon.

As for the marriage - it really is not a marriage. It is a formal arrangement in which you entered to placate her parents.

Well we've been having oral sex lately so I've been distancing myself from jake.

My W doesn't really feel comfortable with sex right. She has a gender identity disorder. Like before she was just normal and androgynous. Now she's all uncomfortable because she doesn't like her body pregnant. And feels too feminine to have sex. But she does give me bus sometimes but not every day.

So I've cut down on the cheating but at the same time I don't really feel it's enough to stop completely so I still haven't completely cut off all extramarital affairs.

But I'm working on it. We're going to counseling tm.

It's not really a marriage but I can't do away with it because I know I'll end up raising our daughter alone. I have to work through it. I didn't really feel marriage was for me currently. I'm 21. I felt I wasn't ready to settle down yet.

[LUTE20]

Originally Posted by Puglife

It sounds like marriage to anyone at this stage of your life is not the right choice. There are very few people that can live up to your expectations of sex almost daily on a consistent basis. Your wife is pregnant and her body is going through a lot of changes, not to mention emotional changes. After the baby is born it will probably be even worse for the first six months to a year. You are cheating on her with both men and women. If you even have sex with your wife occasionally right now you are risking the health of your wife and baby.

How are you going to manage the six weeks after she gives birth when she can't have sex? Obviously you married her out of a sense of obligation. Do you love her and want to be committed to her? Even if that means sex less than every day? If you can't be honest and can't commit then it's better to formulate an exit strategy and figure out how to co-parent.

Good luck!

I'm 21 so in part maybe that's why I need it more maybe later I'll mellow out and be less demanding. I can't divorce though because if I do I will be left to take care of our daughter alone and I'll have no support. But yes mostly the marriage was to please her parents and in turn it connects us together closer so we're more likely to get through this. We have a lot together I'd like to stick with her because of it.

When I'm with jake I'm not doing anything that is all that risky for stds I don't normally have **** sex and when we have I used a condom but that was only once normal I just prefer frotting which has a low risk. And with the girl i used a condom each time. I wouldn't risk my wife's health like that.

[Puglife]

I didn't realize you were so young. I don't think men should be allowed to get married until age 30 . If you want to stay married and you don't have an open relationship then you owe it to your wife and child to cut off physical ties with everyone else. I know that is hard because of your high sex drive and it's fun and exciting to be with other people. I get it, but your physical desires need to kind of take back seat for the time being. And if you can't stop then you need to be honest with your wife and/or seek outside help.

[LUTE20]

Originally Posted by hamster-bamster

Actually, a woman following a vaginal delivery without some horrendous complications can have sex within a couple of days of giving birth. I had intercourse probably on day 3, after a homebirth. That this myth of lack of safety of intercourse following a vaginal delivery is perpetuated is rather sad.

It is true that a Cesarean section is a major surgery and the post-op after a C-section includes a great many restrictions, and one of them is not having sex. But for normal delivery, sex after birth is like sex during a menstrual period - there is blood flowing, but it is OK. Prohibiting sex for 6 weeks postpartum as a RULE - not as an exception for post-C-section recovery or recovery after a complicated birth with tears or what not or maybe episiotomy which unfortunately is practiced all too widely still - is a practice in hospitals to avoid liability. The only thing that is special about the 6-weeks postpartum mark is that for the most part the blood is gone and the uterus is almost back to the pre-pregnancy size. For that reason, the placement of IUD (coils) post-birth is timed to that 6 weeks postpartum mark. But having intercourse does not involve the insertion of a coil into the uterus so those requirements of having the uterus fully contract need not be met for the intercourse to occur safely.

Another reason, besides liability, for that 6 week prohibition probably (I am not positive, but given the history of childbirth and childrearing in America, it is a likely hypothesis) is that when this prohibition was thought up, women habitually bottle-fed. Thus, their uteri did not contract normally after the birth. Women are not "designed" to bottle feed and their bodies/uteri are not "designed" to go through the post-partum period without nursing. Nursing on the nipple causes the uterus to contract. Each suckling motion initiates a contraction. If an infant is nursed on cue (and for many infants this means round the clock...), he causes such powerful contractions of his mom's womb that the lochia (postpartum blood) very quickly get expelled. If a woman does not nurse, that mechanism is not set in motion, and the uterus would take MUCH longer to return to the original size. When that 6-wk-postpartum prohibition was established, possibly again, the OB-GYNS habitually saw bottlefeeding women and simply did not have a first hand knowledge of how the postpartum period NORMALLY should unfold.

The 6-wk postpartum prohibition on sex as a rule (as opposed to some high risk scenarios) is an epitome of stupidity, because little babies sleep a lot and do not crawl. They also do not turn over. They also do not yet have a tendency to put interesting small objects into their mouths. They sleep a lot. Those qualities of tiny babies make the period of early infancy perfect for 2 things:

- air travel (traveling with a 1 month baby is a breeze compared to traveling with a 11 month baby bent on exploring)
- sex

So basically this unwarranted advice causes marital trouble, because when things are easy, sex is prohibited, and when sex is allowed, babies start being more demanding and things are no longer easy.

This long write-up is more for OP - OP, I think that your wife is simply not in good hands in terms of her prenatal care. It sometimes happens that women shun sex during pregnancy, but it does not HAVE to happen. Same for postpartum. Maybe she should read some books that present pregnancy as a normal stage in a woman's life and not a medical condition, or at least think about how peasant women gave birth in the past. They worked in the fields during pregnancies and shortly after birth, too - nobody tiptoed around them during their pregnancies.

As for your plan to tell her what you have been doing only after the birth, I think it is wise - she does not need extra stress now. I do not know if she cares; from what you are describing, she likely does not care, but still, you never know - people differ so much in that respect. Plus, if she decided not to have sex while pregnant EVEN THOUGH she used to have a high sex drive, something in her head must have changed profoundly. She seems to be operating in a crisis mode rather than breezing through pregnancy with delight. In a crisis mode, she does not need more crises, right? Your telling her MIGHT (or might not, but better be safe now) become another crisis for her.

Overall, the most striking part of your account is how dispassionate it is. You describe things rationally fine - prefer not to have a double life, like this but also like that, wife had a high sex drive fine, wife has no sex drive now fine, this way fine, that way fine, whatever. The only mention of her pregnancy is in connection with her not having sex. You show no emotion (negative or positive) on account of the upcoming birth; you do not report attempts to have non-vaginal sex with wife (as would have been reasonable as the first thing to try before abandoning the idea of continuing to have sex with her altogether, but you did not even think about "workarounds"); keep living with her fine, splitting up with her fine, no mention of whether you plan to parent the baby if you split up...

... frankly, it is kind of boring and repetitive:

1) OK, she cannot have sex now so I will have sex with this guy.
2) Oh, she is ready to go back in bed, bye-bye that other guy because I prefer monogamy.
3) Oh, she is pregnant again... I hope she does not go back to her ways of abstaining while pregnant, but I won't tell her that I want her to continue having sex with me - why would I bother when I can just watch things unfold and act accordingly (go back to (1) above).

It is almost as if the people you are describing were almost interchangeable; almost without their own will, passions, desires, insecurities, preferences, fears, and the rest of the stuff that makes people unique humans.

Also, it is almost as if you were resigned to just let life happen to you. Pregnant? Parents wanted you to marry? Sure thing. Something is not working out? You defect because why would you try to solve puzzles and clean up messes?

You are taking the path of least resistance, to sum up. It may be convenient, but ultimately it is a waste of life, I would have thought.

PS I do not mean to say that you are an amoeba. You do talk about PREFERENCES - e.g. you prefer monogamous sex with high frequency, and a lot of women would like that preference of yours while yet many others would not. But it is so... tepid. So-so. Nothing strong. Yeah, this way is much better than that way, but not to the point of your passionately fighting to get it the way you like.

So you are dispassionate, just with weak druthers, but without a passion. Have you always been like that, just going with the flow?

I am thinking that sex with strangers has figured out so prominently in your life because people you describe appear interchangeable. As long as it is a human, you do not really mind having sex with him or her. If the same person sticks around, all the better - it is simpler this way anyway (no complex logistics, streamlined reliable processes), but if not, it is OK, too. I know that now you are having sex with a man and like him physically, but I know nothing at all about who he is. The wife - you mentioned only the high sex drive before and no during pregnancy and the situation with her parents. Who is she? You did not describe her. No quirks, no character... like an automaton. What drew you too close? You say that you always use protection with sex, but she is pregnant, so you must have deliberately made her pregnant (the failure rate of condoms in skilled hands is very low, and your hands ought to be skilled ). Why did you deliberately make her pregnant? And why now that she is pregnant you say absolutely nothing about the baby who will arrive. And you do not care if you stay together. So what was going on in your mind when you were making her pregnant? You also write so coldly and rationally that it is hard to imagine you doing anything compulsive or under the influence of drugs and alcohol.

SO WHY DID YOU DELIBERATELY MAKE HER PREGNANT?

Yeah I know if I told now that would mess everything up. I'm just trying to get by the best way I can and still provide a functional family.

The problem with her is gender identity and not wanting to be pregnant. I convinced her to keep the pregnancy I didn't want Her to get an abortion and I guess that's out of her comfort zone. So now she doesn't want sex with me. Her issues with what she's dealing with don't need to be compounded by her finding out I'm having an affair.

my dad has asp and it's been suggested by two Ts I might have a personality disorder like hpd or npd so I'm not very emotional. It's just how I tend to be. But I love my W though. More than anyone I've ever been with.

I don't want to divorce at all that's why I'm not saying anything. I'll have to raise our daughter alone if I did tell her. So I'm trying to do what keeps my family together really whatever keeps it together.

And also we don't plan to have anymore children. This was a complete mistake. So we won't have to deal with this problem again if we can get past this.

And I actually have strong ties to her I've loved her six years now as a friend. I've always been loyal to her at least emotionally. That's why we've been together this long.


I do have a preference. Sexually I prefer men. But I'm fine having sex with a girl as long as we have good sex frequently. So that's why both the people I ahd an affair with were biologically male. I'm not gay since I like girls too but most of the time when I'm single that's who I have sex with I have long lasting relationships with girls usually but I have casual sex with guys. But that doesn't mean I have sex with anyone I definitely have a type.

I also was only mentioning what was pertinent to the topic.

Also she was on birth control and I pulled out I should have used a condom and I will in the future. But I didn't feel it was all that bad of a thing if she got pregnant. I didn't know about her feelings about identity etc... I have enough to financially support a family and I could see her as the mother of my child so it wasn't a problem to me.

Also yes I do drink but I don't do drugs but that's not the problem I'm really focusing on.

[hamster-bamster]

Fair enough. Very complex, with the gender identity. I sure hope the suggestion to not allow men to marry until age 30 does not get legislative approval - my dad was much younger than that when he married and then 23 when I was born . High society men in the past did in fact not get married until much later, usually to younger women, because there were supposed to first reach their goals in their careers, civil or military, become financially successful, etc. So not that there was no precedent for requiring advanced age of marriageability for men...

You basically have your hands full with everything; I am a bit unclear how you plan to be financially sound enough to raise the child-to-be-born all on your own... do you already have a degree or do you have parents who would pitch in? Just wondering, because yes, you are young, and if you fall-back plan is to raise the child all alone, then, if you work, you would need money for childcare... have you thought it all through? I am assuming that you are neither independently rich from having launched a winning app at age 16, nor from being an heir to a wealthy family, which is why this question seems the most relevant now.

The way you write, respond to other posters, and explain is very mature - I would call it rational, which does not mean that you cannot be emotional. unemotional=monotonous and dull/flat; you got fairly lively as the thread progressed, so if your behavior on the thread is any indication of how you behave on social interactions face-to-face, you very much do NOT sound asp. By the way, your terminology is totally confused - asp. is a neurological disorder on the autistic spectrum; PD's (personality disorders such as narcissism) are psychological disorders which in the US are called Axis II. You mentioned hpd - hard to say anything at all without knowing the person face-to-face, but npd - unlikely. First, people who actually DO have npd very-very rarely admit it, and you wrote nonchalantly "yeah, might be npd" - this is so uncharacteristic of narcissists. Narcissists would say that all their close friends, lovers, and the world overall have NPD, except for them - they are pristine creatures without any faults, elevated above the rest of the humanity and worthy of exulted adoration. Does not seem like you at all.

Anyway, you have your hands more than full with the fact that your wife has gender issues and with the fact that you seem to be putting more sexual energy into relationships with men and more emotional energy into relationships with women. This is not a gender issue per se, but it is a complex issue, so multiplying her gender issues by your whatever they are issues, the picture becomes quite overwhelming.

You explained how carefully you use condoms. This is obviously very good, but condoms do not fully cover the area that can harbor HPV. Most strains of HPV are harmless and most of the time HPV infections resolve by themselves, but some strains are extremely dangerous and can lead to cancer. Your wife, assuming that she is roughly your age, by now should have received a series of immunizations to protect her from HPV. Make sure that she does and if she has not received them, she should start the series after she gives birth. If she is under 26, the insurance would cover it; otherwise it is out-of-pocket and an expensive proposition, but it is worth it.

If there are immunizations for HPV for males, definitely get vaccinated. And make sure you have received vaccinations to protect you from Hep A and Hep B - TWINRIX is one shot with two vaccines bundled together. Hep B is an STD that can lead to liver cancer, and Hep A is a disease that you can catch if you travel to Africa or something like this, and it won't kill you, but will ruin your trip. So getting vaccinated against both A and B is prudent. The most dangerous Hep C, which is an STD, probably is not yet preventable via vaccination, but you can find out. To sum up, condoms are not the only way to protect your health and her health - immunizations should be utilized as well.

If your wife is so young, she should not get sterilized after the birth, because ten years from now, possibly with a different man or possibly with you, she might want another child. So she needs an IUD. Having Mirena IUD alone is virtually foolproof - the effectiveness is above 99%; using Mirena and condoms (I do that) is MORE effective than permanent sterilization methods, which are not foolproof. Plus, Mirena provides health benefits to the woman. It has to be changed once in 5 years. So if 10 years from now your wife wants another child, all her contraceptive efforts would have amounted to 2 visits to the clinic to get or to replace the IUD. Compare with tubal ligation - she would need to spend a lot of money reversing tubal ligation and the reversal is not always successful. So really no point in getting sterilized.

Unless her not wanting more children is connected to gender identity. If she plans to become a man, she might as well get her tubes tied.

[LUTE20]

Originally Posted by Puglife

I didn't realize you were so young. I don't think men should be allowed to get married until age 30 . If you want to stay married and you don't have an open relationship then you owe it to your wife and child to cut off physical ties with everyone else. I know that is hard because of your high sex drive and it's fun and exciting to be with other people. I get it, but your physical desires need to kind of take back seat for the time being. And if you can't stop then you need to be honest with your wife and/or seek outside help.

It wasn't really fun. I was simply doing it out of necessity.

But I agree I need to stay faithful if I want this to work.