Friendship?

I am finding myself feeling very confused. I met a friend about a year ago and we have become very close. So close that we have been able to share extremely deep things about our lives and experiences. While very hard, we've shared our vulnerabilities. Laughed, cried, and been there for one another through some very hard things.

I am just feeling very confused. It has been a really long time since I've had a friend be this close. Up until recently, I have felt as if we were just extremely close friends. Then all of a sudden I felt something a bit different. We were sharing a moment and I felt as if on some level I had fallen in love with her.

We're both females, and she has a boyfriend. We both identify as straight. But I'm trying to figure out what I am feeling. But more importantly, I'm trying to figure her out. Her boyfriend lives out of state, quite far, so perhaps she's just looking to fill the void that this has left for physical touch. I don't know.

We touch all of the time. Not sexually, but hand holding, hugging cuddling, laying in my lap, walking arm in arm, we sometimes kiss each other's foreheads and hands depending on what we've been talking about, which is usually something deep. We sometimes fall asleep together, holding hands or just laying close. When we stay at each other's houses we usually sleep together in the same bed. This morning as we were cuddling she kept playing with my ear. In fact, she bit it. Not to hurt me, but it was playful. More than once. And we just laid there. Holding each other.

I guess I'm just confused. When we first started becoming close friends, I didn't mind that she laid up against me while we were on the couch and stuff, and I guess I don't really mind the rest of what she's done that I've written. She's not making me uncomfortable. What's bothering me is that I feel like this is turning into something more, but I think I'm just confused. She keeps insisting that she needs physical touch from the people that she loves in her life, but this level of touch is something that I'm not used to ever experiencing in my friendships.

So at this point I think I am just trying to discern what is going on in our friendship. I love her and she has said that she loves me too. Up until recently it has just been as friends, but this keeps escalating and I feel like it's turning into something else. At least for me it is. I'm not interested in her sexually, but I just feel like I might have fallen in love with her on some level. But I'm not sure. Does anyone have any insights or advice to share? Am I just over thinking this?

This is new for me so I would be extremely appreciative for any words.

There are people that have straight relations and also same sex relations.

What you seem to be wanting is emotional intimacy - her want seems to be for physical intimacy. This is causing some confusion because it isn't what you started out wanting.

Here is what is the crux of the confusion
Before going on let me suggest some articles that might speak to the conflict going on in this relationship
How Does Sex Differ from Intimacy? | World of Psychology

The danger in a relationship is one person may want intimacy and one person may want sexuality. The person who wants intimacy may find themselves unprepared for sexuality especially in an untried same sex relationship.

The person wanting physical sexuality may feel that just being friends is not enough.

Your quote above seems to indicate you are not sure you want more than sharing friendship. You seem bothered by the same level of physical contact as before because it may mean something else now, sex with a woman.

The risk for you is great because your friendship could fall apart. You sound like you have dependency on this relationship to some extent. This is a bigger risk for you, possibly, than her.

I get the feeling after I reread your post, that you want to be friends not lovers, but I don't know. If your friend is really looking for a lover, and does not value the intimacy as much as you do, then they have less to lose than you do.

Maybe you could wait for your friend to make her intentions known. If possible and she is pushing for more sexual relating, before going into a sexual situation, try to talk about everything until you are both comfortable. It might be worth appealing to see if you could be friends forever without being lovers. If she says no to being friends, your "friend" would seem to be less a real friend and more a lover searching for physical love. Talking could help you keep from going where you don't want to.

Thank you for your input. It was helpful to have a bit of advice.

I'm not sure what exactly she's looking for honestly. I am wondering if she is just attempting to seek out the physical intimacy that she is unable to get from her boyfriend. She has identified touch as her top "love language". So I guess I'm trying to figure out if her touchiness is a product of her care or if she is actually seeking more.

Is this just how she expresses love and nothing beyond that? I don't think she wants a sexual relationship, neither do I. But it also feels like it's gone beyond just friendship at this point.

I care a lot about her and I just don't want to read into something too far or have a misconception about her intentions. But I haven't ever experienced such closeness in a friendship like this before, so I'm just trying to figure it out.

You need to set boundaries

We touch all of the time. Not sexually, but hand holding, hugging cuddling, laying in my lap, walking arm in arm, we sometimes kiss each other's foreheads and hands depending on what we've been talking about, which is usually something deep. We sometimes fall asleep together, holding hands or just laying close. When we stay at each other's houses we usually sleep together in the same bed.

If that is not sexual then I don't know what it is .
Your like one step to making out or having sex ..

I feel like you should not do this because you are going to get hurt at the end .

I understand the questions nodda has and I am worried about Nodda getting hurt if things fall apart so I am glad you are being cautious.

I don't know what advice I have for you, but I'll share my perspective.

My best friend was completely straight when we dated, and at the time I was more into girls than guys and I was madly in love with her. We spent two weeks dated before she decided that a relationship wasn't right for her, and it broke my heart. We stopped being friends for months. Eventually we made up, and for a while it was a bit rocky at first, but now we're just as close as we were before we dated. She went through a lesbian phase, but even though I still liked her deep down, she told me she only saw me as a friend and reminded me of what happened last time. Then she went back to being straight and was single for a while, and whenever we got drunk we'd make out. Sex came up as a topic and she told me she had been considering sex with me, and we both agreed that we would never do anything romantic, but strictly "as friends". Then she dated until she found her new boyfriend, and now we don't do anything physical or sexual, and we are both okay with that. I'm now pursuing other guys, and we are very close still.

I think in your case, if you are so close you should be able to express your feelings towards her and judge her reaction, and if she feels nothing for you, you could stay close, and if she does have feelings for you, there should be some limits and boundaries set up so that if things don't work out, you won't lose your friendship. Losing a friendship like that is very hard, so if you value her friendship more a romance, you may want to stay as friends.

I would advice considering your relationship now as it is, and what you would like it to be. Do you enjoy the way she behaves around and touches you? You are in love with her: what does that mean for how you'd like to interact with her? what do you want to be/do with her? You absolutely have a right to speak up and set boundaries and say what you would or would like to happen. I would definitely consider that much more intimacy than I would expect from friendship, even from a close friend - even the cuddliest friendships I've known rarely involve regular sleeping together or ear-biting, for instance. but I'm not sure that it's possible to know what she means by it/whether she wants something more unless you talk to her about it.

What I meant was that we have not done any type of sexual intimacy. I can see how you would interpret these as sexual, but in this case, there has been no sex.

Thank you for sharing this story with me. It sounds somewhat similar to what I'm experiencing.

There was one night that we were laying in bed talking about something deep and I just felt extremely connected to her and felt like maybe I could kiss her. I didn't want to cross her boundary and knowing that she has a boyfriend, I would never go too far. I eventually fell asleep and that was that. But I told her that I felt like on some level I might be falling in love with her, and she said that she could feel it and that she thought she was losing her mind. She thanked me for saying something. And she said that part of her wonders if she was bisexual because she was pretty sure she probably would have kissed back. In high school she thought she might be a lesbian and even dated girls for a while. So this likely has her in thought quite a bit.

Overall she responded very well, but she never said either way if she felt the same. All she said was that the part of her that loves her boyfriend would never cheat on him. To which I responded with saying that I wouldn't ask her to do that and that I would never act on my feelings because of that.

I don't have a problem with putting my feelings aside to just be friends. I'm ok with that. What I'm concerned with is that I am afraid she is using me to fill a physical void that she doesn't get because of the long distance relationship. Not that she's doing it intentionally, but that it's happening and she doesn't even realize it.

That I am not ok with.

And that is what has me questioning our relationship. The physical closeness. It just feels like way more than a "friendship" and yet she says it's just how she expresses/experiences love.

I'm glad the talk went well! Having feelings out in the open can help a lot.

Can you tell what her feelings are on her relationship with her boyfriend (positive, negative, ambivalent)? Even if she loves her boyfriend, that doesn't mean the relationship itself is going well, necessarily. It sounds like she's in a difficult place right now, and she may even not be sure about how she feels or what she wants from you. The best you can probably do I think is be supportive of her, but if you feel like you need/want to pull back for any reason, allow yourself to do that.

What I'm concerned with is that I am afraid she is using me to fill a physical void that she doesn't get because of the long distance relationship. Not that she's doing it intentionally, but that it's happening and she doesn't even realize it.

That I am not ok with.


That is what I meant by you getting hurt !
I am glad you see this and you can stop this before it gets to deep .
You know she would not be doing half the stuff she is doing with you if her b/f was there .

Yeah the talk did go well when we had it. I was expecting her to immediately recoil and say something like, I don't feel the same. But she never did. So I feel like there is this missing conversation piece somewhere.

Funny you should mention about her boyfriend. He's in town for this week, staying with her until Friday or Saturday. Last night she texted me, extremely upset, feeling like she wasn't herself around him, and that all she wanted to do was cry and give me a hug. She basically said she was feeling like her space was invaded and that she doesn't want to be physical with him at all.

I tried to console her, and I did well with it, but something in me is like "what does this mean?" Aside from the distance between them, things seem to be ok from what she's relayed.

I want to be supportive and I have been, but there is a part of me that thinks there's something wrong if he's here and she doesn't want to spend time with him. Idk...Like you said, I think she's in a tough spot and I understand that. I'm just not sure that I am going to be able to do this much longer. Not because I don't care about her, but because it's too complicated. I isolate very easily and I feel like I want to pull back from our relationship all together. I know things will change once he leaves, but I'm not sure that makes it any better, just easier.

Thank you again for talking through this with me!

I am extremely self-aware and am constantly trying to figure this out. That was the first thing I thought maybe this was. She's not interested in me like that, but the physical void is being filled. Either that or she's just not ready to confront her actions or feelings. When she dated other females in high school her family was extremely hurtful and unsupportive, so I could see why she would do anything to recoil her feelings.

But yes, I am super aware of what's going on and I am treading very lightly, just in case.

Thank you for your support!

I suspected that might be the case with her boyfriend. I'm not sure why (maybe just from my own experience), but I got the sense that she had trouble with her relationship beyond just distance. There could be a lot of things happening - normal relationship drama, her realizing she doesn't want to be with him, him pulling away from her, I don't know what's going on for you friend, but she's probably as confused as you are with all this.

It's totally ok to pull back if you feel like this is hurting you or too much to deal with. Whatever is happening, it's not your fault. At some point the burden is on her to figure out what she wants and needs, but if I had to go with my gut (again, going off similarities to things I've been through) I'd say it'll take a while for that to happen. Make sure to take care of yourself too! And best of luck.

Well, we talked. There is no more elephant in the room...Well ok, it's there but it's being recognized now. The cool thing about our friendship/relationship/whatever it is, is that we're generally feeling the same things or are on the same page. So everything I said to her, she felt exactly the same. Just as I described feeling emotionally attracted to her, not wanting a sexual relationship, she said the same thing.

Actually, she apologized to me. She said that she had to figure out what she wanted and "get her *stuff* together". We both acknowledged that we've moved beyond friendship into something else. And I told her that I was just concerned about interfering with her relationship with her boyfriend. And I was extremely honest and said that I felt like in a way, like we were having an emotional affair, thus cheating on him in a way. And she said she agreed with that.

So I guess now it's just waiting on her. And to be honest, I don't have any expectations for what will come now, but I just know that I feel a whole heck of a lot less crazy and alone.