[intergalactictraveler]

When I was dating my wife, she saw a stunning blonde at an ATM and said, "Oh my god; she's beautiful!: Yes I was naive and didn't connect the dots...until I was house sitting her cats and found a stack of adult mags, many depicting female on female sex, along with a picture of a young woman, dressed hiked up, no underwear, in high heels. And over time, my wife told about the time she got picked up by a group of young men in a pick up, during a snowstorm or how she used to go to bars to pick up men or how she liked to be tied up and butt fked. None of that kinky sex took place when we were dating and over the years, our sex/love life diminished. She also was a heavy drinker, plus verbally and emotionally abusive. Five years ago, I began to develop erectile dysfunction and diminished libido. Testosterone didn't help. I knew it was emotional damage from her abuse. To make my situation worse, I have severe treatment resistant bipolar and am on SSDI since June of 2011. But I'm a decent looking guy and women flirt with me. I'm not looking for a new wife or even a gf; just a woman who finds sex to be one of the great pleasures of life. I'll be 65 in May and under the right conditions, I can get things going, lol. Guess I'm still a shmuck.

[Webgoji]

It sounds like you guys really need couples and individual therapy in the worst way. Don't go looking outside your marriage though.

[Bill3]

Guess I'm still a shmuck.

What would you think of seeing a counselor to help you work on healing yourself?

[intergalactictraveler]

Webgoji, my wife will not examine her past. I have a feeling, as does my therapist, that she might have been sexually abused. Denial became a tool for survival. I can understand that, in a fashion, but she is like a computer operating system; she has and still does, creates new versions of herself. It would be laughable if the results weren't contradictory, hurtful and confusing. And Bill3, I haven't really resolved anything in therapy, but it is a place to express my emotions. But I'm still stuck in my life. I'm too sick to even work a few hours a week, the amount of my monthly SSDI check is quite small and I've been totally dependent on my wife for my survival, even before being approved for disability. In a loving, mutually supportive marriage, I'd probably be more accepting of my situation, but she needs to be in control, she plays with my emotions, still and she remains in denial about the severity of my bipolar illness.

I've always been there for her but eventually the emotional well runs dry. I'm barely hanging on. Seeking a lover is a reflection of my total frustration and anger at my wife and my life. I wish, and continue to search, with my psychiatrist, for a medication or cocktail or any treatment that will stop my decline. I want my life back, every aspect of it. I can't save my wife but I'm going to do all I can to save myself.

[Webgoji]

Originally Posted by intergalactictraveler

Webgoji, my wife will not examine her past. I have a feeling, as does my therapist, that she might have been sexually abused. Denial became a tool for survival. I can understand that, in a fashion, but she is like a computer operating system; she has and still does, creates new versions of herself. It would be laughable if the results weren't contradictory, hurtful and confusing. And Bill3, I haven't really resolved anything in therapy, but it is a place to express my emotions. But I'm still stuck in my life. I'm too sick to even work a few hours a week, the amount of my monthly SSDI check is quite small and I've been totally dependent on my wife for my survival, even before being approved for disability. In a loving, mutually supportive marriage, I'd probably be more accepting of my situation, but she needs to be in control, she plays with my emotions, still and she remains in denial about the severity of my bipolar illness.

I've always been there for her but eventually the emotional well runs dry. I'm barely hanging on. Seeking a lover is a reflection of my total frustration and anger at my wife and my life. I wish, and continue to search, with my psychiatrist, for a medication or cocktail or any treatment that will stop my decline. I want my life back, every aspect of it. I can't save my wife but I'm going to do all I can to save myself.

I always hate to give this advice, but if she won't work on what it takes to help heal yourselves and your marriage, there comes a time when you have to think about how it's affecting you. Sometimes, the only thing you can do is let go, get a divorce and wish her the best in life. But you can't drown with her. Don't go looking outside your marriage until you've exhausted all options and the marriage is over.

[Living Dead Guy]

At 33 I've already experienced the loss of libido, in my case it was our sex drives didn't match so I became frustrated, expecting to be told I'm tired, not feeling well or its my time of the month. Eventually I just stopped trying. What helped somewhat was reading and applying the tips from this article: Webmd

I agree with the others that looking outside of the marriage is a recipe for trouble. You have said that you've never participated in any of the kink before, Why not have a conversation were you ask about her fantasies and how you can help make them real. Open up about your own fantasies and see if she would be willing to fulfill any of them.