le sigh - having a really hard day

I used to love sex. I’m not sure when it happened exactly, or why, but gradually I just stopped liking it. Instead of giving me pleasure like before, now it just hurts. Instead of being something I look forward to, it’s now something I dread doing.

I can't ever just let go and enjoy myself anymore. Sex is like this anxiety ridden, and sometimes painful, thing that I simply must keep doing to keep my husband happy. No matter how much I try to stay ‘in the moment’, something always gets in the way. My thoughts are always racing a mile a minute, and while I’m trying to use positive self talk and my mental prowess to force myself to relax and just enjoy, it doesn’t really help. L

I’ve been doing some reading about vaginisums (sp?). Sounds a lot like what I’ve been struggling with. They’re muscle spasms, or tightening of the vaginal muscles, so that penetration is very painful. It’s basically an involuntary reflex, like how you blink when something is coming towards your eyes. The website I was reading recommended taking a break from sex for a while. During the break, you basically train yourself to handle penetration, starting slow with one finger, then working up to 3 over a period of weeks or months, till you have no more pain and you can control the muscle spasms.

Two big problems with this: 1. I’ve never liked fingering. Ever. Doing it to myself, or having someone else do it to me. It just feels weird, awkward, or painful. Never any pleasure. Hubby and I even ordered a small toy dildo from amazon for just this type of training purpose, but I don’t like it. It just feels odd and strange, never pleasurable. 2. Hubby had suggested previously that we take a break so that I could get to know my body again and find out what works to turn me on and get me off. He was so damn miserable and depressed the next day, barely even speaking to me even, that our “break” didn’t even last a day. He was just so miserable and awful that I felt like I had to have sex with him, or risk permanent damage to our relationship. So we did have sex, and it was better than it had been in the past, but still not “good” for me.

My main problem is that I don’t even feel like myself anymore. I feel like this strange, foreign person who doesn’t really seem to belong or feel right no matter what I’m doing (in and out of the bedroom.) I’m sure it’s the depression making me feel so down and just totally out of it all the time. I’m trying everything I can think of to make it better. Mostly I just feel like a failure at everything I do. Nothing is ever good enough, I can never do anything right, I can never accomplish my goals – they always seem so far away, no matter how much progress I make.

Last night I had a sex dream, and actually woke up in a pretty good mood this morning. After breakfast, I was still feeling pretty good, so I initiated sex. Partly I did it because I wanted sex, but it was also partly out of a feeling of obligation and duty to my husband. It’s just killing me that this is so hard! I wish I could just enjoy myself, like I used to. I try telling hubby what I like, or what type of touch I want or what pressure, etc. But I still can’t cum.

It was particularly frustrating today – he actually got me pretty close with pressure and rubbing back and forth on my clit like I’ve always liked in the past, but then he just kept doing that same thing, almost like he was on auto pilot and not paying any attention at all. At first it was building up my pleasure, but then it started to seem like he was just bored, or not actually engaged in making my enjoy myself. I’m not quite sure how to explain it… But when I’m going down on him or loving him, I am actively engaged. I vary my touches, speed, technique, never letting it be just all the same thing and get boring. But he doesn’t do that for me, it’s like he’ll start rubbing the clit back and forth, and then just keep doing that same speed/pressure with no excitement or interest. It sends me into a bad headspace, where it seems he is not interested in making me enjoy myself, he’s just doing the ‘chore’ of trying to get me off – and once my head gets in that mental space, I can’t get out of it, and poof – there goes my pleasure. It’s doubly frustrating, because when I am getting reallyclose to orgasm that’s exactly what I need – for him to keep up the same speed/pressure/pace. If he were to slow down, or move to a different spot, it would totally throw me off and then I can’t cum. In trying to think all this through, it’s seeming like I need a variation of touches/speed/pressures while he’s working me up, then once I get close I need him to stick to the one speed/pressure that works and stay there to carry me over the edge. (Why is it so damn complicated to make me cum? I feel like something is wrong with me, like I’m broken or defective – it shouldn’t be this hard or complex to achieve an orgasm.)

I’m so sick of crying about this every.single.day. I feel like I need a vacation from my own life. I’ve been debating calling my aunt and uncle (they live several states away) and asking if I can stay with them for a week or so. They’ve said I am welcome there anytime, but I haven’t actually seen them since my mom’s funeral 3 years ago. Money is a bit tight, but I think I could afford a bit of time off if I go before the planting season when my garden will demand my full time attention.

But as soon as I think seriously about going, I have all these second thoughts and get all anxiety ridden about what it would do to hubby if I left him behind. 1. He would be hurt and probably angry, and I’m sure at the very least he would feel left out. 2. I’d miss him while I was out of state. The most we’ve ever been apart was 4 or 5 days shortly before we got married, and it was torture for us both. 3. My aunt and uncle are very republican/catholic (not that there is anything wrong with that), but I am not and I’m not sure that any advice they could give me would actually help. They have a pretty different world view from me, and so their advice is going to be based on their (imo flawed) perceptions, so it likely won’t help me much.

I don’t want to leave my husband. I don’t want a divorce, I don’t want to have to start all over totally on my own, with no family or support network near by. (Also, this is totally selfish, but I don’t want to lose the garden and flower beds I’ve been cultivating over the years at his grandparent’s house.)

I don’t know what I really expect to gain by taking a vacation away from him – at best, it would give me a break from sex and a chance to take time for myself and try to figure some things out. At worst, I might realize that I’d be happier without him. But I never want to leave him, despite all our sexual problems; I still love him more than anything. I don’t want anyone else.

I won’t lie here – I’ve done some thought experiments recently of what it would be like if I did leave him. I would have to move away to live near/with my aunt and uncle (which also means leaving my awesome job – not an exciting prospect with this economy.) I’d have to hope to meet someone else, someone with a good job and prospects that I could marry and spend my life with. But none of those thoughts actually appeal to me – I just want my husband. I feel guilty for even thinking about leaving. I just wish it could be like it was before, I want to feel like myself, I want to enjoy myself and have a good time, and be able to cum like I used to.

Ugh sorry to post such long rants, but it does help me to organize my thoughts. I still haven’t been able to find any local support groups or therapy I could attend. I wish there was a way for me to get some help that wouldn’t bankrupt me. (I have no insurance.)

Thanks for listening.

I have read your full post Sirensong18. I can only imagine how much frustration you are going through right now.

I know what vaginismus is, but I have never experienced it, so if that is what you are experiencing I do not have any insights to share with you.

However, I completely empathize with how you are feeling when your hubby tries to get you to cum by rubbing your clit. What I worry about is that I am taking too long to reach orgasm when my boyfriend pleasures me with his fingers and this throws me off at times.

Taking a small vacation to your aunt's and uncle's place may turn out to be very helpful for your marriage. My boyfriend and I have been long distance for a few months at a time each time over the past few years we've been dating and it's made the relationship really hard. However, it has also given us space to reflect upon and discuss some important issues.

Thanks for the empathy, it really helps. I totally concur with what you were saying about worrying about taking too long to cum. It's such a nasty mind space to be in, because as you're worrying about not taking too long, it's distracting from the pleasure, and then the pressure to hurry up and cum already makes it that much harder to actually cum. Ugh.

The one time in the last few months that hubby was actually able to get me to cum it was a bit of a nightmare. It took forever, and when I finally did cum it was a bit of a let down, it didn't actually feel very good, nothing like the heights I used to hit. Then I just felt instantly guilty and horrible because he was rubbing his wrist, I'd given him a hand cramp - but he didn't dare stop because he wanted to get me off. So that just made me feel that much more horrible because he clearly hated doing it and it made his hand/wrist cramp up. Just ugh.

Yep, I know what you mean about the hand cramps... my boyfriend's gone through the exact same process at times to get me off. I felt really bad afterwards (and during) as I was aware it wasn't comfortable for him.

Still, the thing that comforts me somewhat about it is that sometimes I get jaw pain from giving him blowjobs for extended periods of time. (He doesn't want to perform oral sex on me in return but that's a WHOLE other story...)

I also understand the lack of orgasms. In fact, I've never had an orgasm with my partner, unless me masturbating while he holds me counts. I've gotten it a handful of times that way, but they were usually insignificant or painful. I think that part of it is it just feels wrong and there's such a fine line for me between not feeling anything and it being painful/uncomfortable and I have no idea how to show him (I masturbate for him and try to guide his hand, but on his own, it still feels wrong).

But I digress…I don't know exactly what the answer is and it may be different for you than it is for me (as I have a hunch that my issue might be due to sensory processing issues since I've always had this problem and you have not). What does need to happen is the pressure to perform (to have an orgasm within a certain amount of time or to have sex at all etc.) really needs to go. And I know I need to be saying this to myself as well. And your husband needs to understand what this is doing to you as well.

And this…this really makes me angry. How dare he guilt-trip you into sex by essentially throwing a tantrum! He can't even go one day?! Yes, you need to take a break so you can take some pressure off yourself and get to know your body again. Set a tentatively time-limit so it doesn't seem like it's going to be indefinite, but then stick to it. If he throws another tantrum, he'll just have to deal with it. You don't give a two year old what they want every time they throw a tantrum right? (I don't have any kids so I'm no expert, but as far as I know that's how it goes…)

-Edit-

I forgot to add earlier that this is what I'm going to try next with my partner:

http://counselling-matters.org.uk/si...nsateFocus.pdf

I'm not sure if it's as relevant to your situation or not or if your husband would be willing to do it, but it's worth looking at.

Sirensong18, I'm really getting concerned for you both. You're pushing so hard that I'm concerned about your anxiety and depression leading to worse problems. You're not broken or defective ... so just forget about that. Women are complex to say the least so your difficulties could be any number of things and it's going to take patience, time and compassion to find out what's happening. But if both you and your husband push too much, it could just make the whole situation worse.

Secondly, it sounds like hubby isn't handling this well at all and sounds like he's REALLY internalizing it. Kinda like he's feeling like he's failing. Again, not healthy at all. Him suggesting the break tells me his head is in the right place, but his attachment immediately triggered him to get all withdrawn and such. His head and heart aren't on the same page.

Ultimately, you both need counseling, together as a couple and individually. (I know you've heard that before, but sorry.) And you need ... well, probably more than one trip to the MD for blood work and such.

As it is, if hubby isn't able to stop internalizing and get his head and heart aligned and you aren't able to stop beating yourself up, things can only get worse.

Can you both come up with a systematic plan for you to get the doctors' help you might need and you both get the psychological help you both need? If you decide on your vacation, I would STRONGLY suggest you both have a plan for how you're going to work on yourselves during that down time and hold each other accountable, just parting ways for a while likely won't help much. (And he needs to work on himself as much or more than you ...)

Thanks for the support everyone. I don't think I'll be taking the vacation... 1. It's too expensive to fly or drive, plus I miss out on income from not working during the time I'm gone. 2. Running away from my problems isn't going to solve them.

Instead, I've decided to drive back to my hometown and go to church tomorrow morning, on what would have been my mom's 64th birthday. (She died 3 years ago.) It'll be nice to see the priest again, and generally catch up with the parish. I've also got a lunch planned with my friend who still lives there, so that will be nice. I'm looking forward to that especially, as I don't get to hang out with friends (the very few I have) very often.

Webgogi - I've done some more searching online, and found a place that will do therapy for $30-$50 a session. It's about an hour and half drive away from me though. Not sure if I could afford it considering the cost of time lost to travel, cost of gas, plus cost of actual sessions. You also have to do a $49 fee to 'sign up' for this reduced cost program. But I suppose it's better than nothing, so I'll do some more investigating.

You're spot on about hubby internalizing all of this. He's a pretty quiet, introverted guy to begin with. I wish there were a way for him to understand that this isn't his fault, that I don't blame him - and also a way for me to quit blaming myself and putting so much pressure on myself too.

I'll just keep trying to talk it out with him. I don't like hiding my feelings from him, but I also don't want to overload him with everything and make him feel like it's his fault, or that all the blame is on him because something is wrong and he can't instantly fix it.

Just want to throw in my two cents and beg you not to beat yourself up about this, and also don't blame yourself about your husband's reaction.
I enjoy sex but there are times your body tells you to take a break even though you don't know why, much less understand.
The best/only thing I can offer is "it's a thing called time".

You will be alright-you just don't know when.