Erratic Orgasms

Okay I am posting this in an effort to assist my significant other of having better and more consistent orgasms. She is healthy without any diagnosed medical conditions. She grew up with the upbringing that sex was dirty and awful, and that masturbation was a sin. A little under a year ago she began seriously questioning that belief and experimenting. She began learning about her body and how it reacted to stimuli, trying to reach orgasm, and after a few months of becoming comfortable with the idea she managed to achieve just that.

Not long after that we started dating, and she is still trying to figure out all the things that please her physically (and I am more than willing to help her discover those things :P ). She masturbates what I would consider an average amount, though currently we are forced into a long distance situation so sex is not happening at the moment. We have had sex, and we keep it spicy and whatnot, but the main problem I've noticed is that her orgasms are inconsistent. Sometimes they'll be great, sometimes lackluster (but hey it's still an orgasm), and other times she can't bring herself over.

It isn't just when she masturbates too, during oral sex I have made her orgasm, and there have also been times I was unable to. Same with manual stimulation and sex toys. I don't have a problem with this, but I would very much like to help her be able to reach orgasm more consistently, and that's where I'm hoping you lot can help.

Now when she fails to orgasm, she tells me that she "lost the spot" or "it went away" (I'm assuming the feeling), and she can't find it again. She still doesn't fully understand her body so understanding exactly what the issue is hard for me (especially since I don't even have the anatomy to understand it completely). I have noticed during oral sex however that as she gets closer to orgasm, her clitoris seems to hide almost. The hood seems to engorge, and it can become difficult to find the clitoris, and the feeling becomes less intense for her. I am wondering if a similar thing happens when she masturbates, and the clit essentially "retreats" inside her body. We've tried pulling back the clitoral hood, and it helps for a time, but again it seems to keep fighting being found until either she orgasms, or she gets frustrated and wants to give up.

Now I haven't had that happen with other partners, so I was a little curious about how normal it was, and if there was anything that could be done to prevent it from happening... or maybe trying to understand if perhaps that isn't at all the issue, and it's something else entirely. My partner and I have great communication, and we are both very open with each other sexually, but it is difficult to improve the situation if both of us don't understand what the issue even is.

Any help is greatly appreciated, and I look forward to what you fine folks think.

Atrophy can occur from a hormonal imbalance, following a hysterectomy or perimenopause/menopause ; the latter of the two can bring about vaginal atrophy, although it can be avoided and/or reversed.
Another thing that could be happening is overstimulation, in which case, give pause to recover.

So, let's see if I understand this, the hood is swollen, but the clitorus retreated, not enlarged?

From what I can tell that seems to be what is going on... yes. Overstimulation is what I thought at first, but she can get a bit carried away when she is aroused and so she wants more and more stimulation, gets close to the point of orgasm and then loses the spot... or sometimes she'll start an orgasm and then lose it.

Welcome to Psych Central. It is troubling to have sexual problems in a relationship and the natural response often is to try something else physical. That is not always the problem.

From what you say your gf grew up in a repressive and possibly abusive environment that could have contributed to a low sense of self esteem and to a physical reaction of shame and guilt when any sexual feelings are experienced. Some kind of psychological damage could have been done then prevents her not only from experiencing orgasm, but also being trusting and physical. Therapy regarding abuse can help with these conditions.

If you want to approach things from a physical standpoint, be next to each other for a half hour forgetting about sex, just be with each other. Establish emotional intimacy. Don't try to do sex. Just be satisfied with that. Then the next time start out with a half hour of being together, hugging and holding and being together, plus some touching or a back rub. Eventually she may feel enough trust to get more sexually intimate, but she is not being willful IMO, she appears to be triggered or set off by sex.

Here is an article that might be helpful to you both.
https://www.google.com/url?q=http://...snXioC-2Gwg3Bg

Spread out - literally and figuratively. Youre not a hound dog chasing a rabbit down a whole. Youre a shark who just happened upon a surfing competition.

I'd written quite a bit. What part seems correct about what's going on? Why write, from what you can tell? You don't start an orgasm, to lose it, per se. You go on the brink of one. Doesn't sound like she's relaxed. What literature have you read up on, on female anatomy?

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