[Patagonia]

Had an argument w/my husband. We've been married 20+ yrs. during the argument he complained that "98.5% of the time" he initiates sex.
He thinks I need to initiate sex. And that when he masturbates that I need to ask to help him.

Why this change all the sudden? What did I do?
I told that him that him initiating sex is what I'm used to after 20 yrs of marriage!

Please help me understand why the role is changing.
Thanks

Not knowing you or your husband and based on your post, could be pent up frustations. He wants to feel desirable and one way to show interest is engaging in a more active role in your sexual relations. But that's just generally speaking. It may also be that a specific even has to do with it. Hard to say with so little information.

[doyoutrustme]

whats the harm in mixing it up a little? the masterbation help request is a little odd sounding. like he just starts jerking off and expects that to be a turn on for you? real life isn't porn.

[JustJenny]

I don't see any problem in neither of the two requests. If that will make him happier - why not? Or do you have any problems with that?

[Patagonia]

I don't have a problem initiating sex, but over the yrs I've become more submissive in the bedroom & usually just....wait. It's what we've always done.
I'm just not sure why this change.

[doyoutrustme]

maybe it took him this long to work up the nerve to ask

[yagr]

Originally Posted by doyoutrustme

maybe it took him this long to work up the nerve to ask

I agree. You said it became an argument. Usually, unless that is the normal way you two communicate, sudden anger is a result of a long held resentment. I suspect he's felt this way for many years.

That doesn't mean that it was okay for him to take his anger out on you; but perhaps understanding why will make it more palatable.

[wiretwister]

I'm an older male , JMO but maybe he no longer feels "sexy" , and wants you to asure him he is still desirable ... new sexy underware and an invite to follow you will .......... well you get the idea ...

[Yismymindblank12]

Originally Posted by mousebear

Not knowing you or your husband and based on your post, could be pent up frustations. He wants to feel desirable and one way to show interest is engaging in a more active role in your sexual relations. But that's just generally speaking. It may also be that a specific even has to do with it. Hard to say with so little information.

I agree with this definitely. Being more active in his sex life he wanted to see it's a form of how much you appreciate him. It's normal, but mixing it up isn't always bad, just let it be known if you're not comfortable with it talk with him figure it out together make compromise or just go with it and hey you might find he's trying to tell you something you're not seeing right in front of you. Just naming more possibilites

[Ocean Swimmer]

It could be his hormones are changing as he grows older.
Plus boredom if that's the way it's always been.
I'm married 20 years too.

[bixkf]

I do have to say that getting older affects both partner's libido and therefore the urge to initiate. Both my wife and I have had health issues which have also hurt our desires. When we first met, my wife was the initiator...she was constantly in need of sexual activity so when she wanted some...well we had it. I, on the other hand, have always been a rather submissive man let others tell me what they want and what to do. Additionally, being gay rather lowered my experience when it came to heterosexual sexual activity.

I know at one point my wife just told me that she was tired of taking the lead and that I needed to be a man. Believe me...I understand her point of view, but that isn't who we are. Even when I'm trying to initiate and talk control...she still controls what I do. She can't let go of the control...and well, it not in my nature for both heterosexual and homosexual activity to be inituate and control.

What I'm trying to say is that it is difficult to just expect the other partner to just switch these roles. Sexual intimacy has to include two people and both have to understand and agree to their roles. This requires some level of teamwork and coordination. Many times our normal roles have been in place for years or decades...they can't be changed overnight with any level of success.

[Webgoji]

Originally Posted by wiretwister

I'm an older male , JMO but maybe he no longer feels "sexy" , and wants you to asure him he is still desirable ... new sexy underware and an invite to follow you will .......... well you get the idea ...

This ^

Even men want to be desired or at least receive attention. If he always has to initiate, it sends the message to him that you don't find him desirable regardless of what you say. Men are action/event oriented in our thinking patterns so he reads your actions more than your words.