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I'm in an emotional wreck now for other things now, but I hate myself because I get off to the thought of someone I liking sex from someone else and just throwing me away like trash for the hell of it.
There I said it, I hate it. I hate being in that position. I'm not at all proud of it or any way accepting of it. I've been degraded a lot in my life so much so. No matter how much success or how much going for me it isn't worth living for because I can't stand to look at myself. I know this is normal I was a rape survivor I even had rape fantasies from it a lot too. I hate relationships period, because of either I get attracted to the person when I don't want to. I won't ever let anyone know or even try to acknowledge I do, I will outright lie to the persons face and outright be so silent about it. It only comes out and blows up in me self harming and not eating at times. I feel horrible right now, and just want to feel appreciated or something like that I don't know. I was always abused in relationships physically and emotionally. I have this bizarre innate feeling to always want to harm myself because I don't feel I'm ever good enough. No one shows the patience to really either have do better for myself or show me they care or I can't recognize it properly one of the two. Relationships and sex have been equally impossible for me to deal with. When I have sex with someone I like, I get butterflies, but at the same time I hate it even more then than just anyone. It feels like I'm just dead on the inside it's not fun anymore and it quickly just feels awful masturbation is just horrible. I hate the feeling afterwards. I want to just have everything stop functioning. I don't want to be a guy and I can't stand everything I have. It feels useless and I feel very ****ed up now. Just always dirty and tainted of myself. I don't judge others ways of things just my own the most. When someone likes me I get a knot in my chest and stomach of not feeling nervous or excited just hurt and scared all the time. Sex even when I'm told I'm amazing it hurts me more, because the people I dated told me how horrible of a human I am, and still would try to screw me more even stalk me for pestering me to have sex with them. It was no different feeling when I was raped and had no control except even if consensual and was give and take. I felt very unhappy and empty and the other person satisfied. I feel like I'm dead and that fetish is an exaggeration of what I'm going through. I hate the suffering that much and I am ashamed of enjoying the pain I'm forced to being used to. It's even drove me wanting suicide a lot. I have a lot of body issues and can't seem to never feel right or feel good enough. I feel like people think I'm a ***** or a toy or someone who is something to be used to get something they want and always hurting me in the process. Relationships are impossible for me, because intimacy is non existent when I feel like everyone is like this to me. Even perceived. I don't know anything, I feel like a joke and that my life was meaningless that my body is a tool to be used for others pleasure and I get none. That my emotions are worth nothing and people blow it off as excuses like they have before. Oh it hurts so much talking about it now. I can't help but cry a lot how much I wish I wasn't here right now and that everytime I'm turned on I am more frustrated than excited. I can't afford therapy and can't get this back together. I was hoping I run into someone who can help me in life, but that's just a wasted effort a feeling of just losing hope for me. I'm in so much pain right now, and I hate looking at myself naked a lot no matter if I'm at 150 lbs at 5 ft 8 tall and don't eat much. I don't care if I consider starving myself as a means to feel beautiful. I can't tell you how good it feels that I'm worth something. Sex has been the one area I felt the least worth even if I do well or feel I'm good. I just want to be a lone forever and not be apart of any of this. I can't do it that's all. |
![]() ladyrevan21, Webgoji
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