[AtreyuFreak]

So I've had a multitude of bad sexual encounters, including but not limited to childhood molestation, rape at 15, and probable date rape at 17 (I don't remember it, a third person was present and told me years later that the whole situation felt very "rapey"). I can think of only a handful of consensual encounters where I didn't have some sort of adverse reaction, ie making him stop or fighting off a panic attack. I've found sex pleasurable/somewhat enjoyable maybe 4 times.

I started dating a really great guy a couple months ago. He knows enough about my history, he agreed we should take it slow and he's okay with me setting the pace. He said he'll wait as long as I need, and I believe him. He's never pressured me to do anything. Thing is, I still don't particularly like sex; in the past, it was done mostly out of obligation or fear of being abandoned. But I'm done with that. I won't do it unless I want it. I don't want this to cause problems in my relationship. I want to be able to have a healthy sexual relationship. But I don't know how. I don't know how to stop being scared. Please help.

[delicate grass]

This literally needs time and support. If you honestly trust your partner and after discussions he said you should do it when you feel you want to, you should trust in this. If you have sex out of obligation, it will lead to resentment and further sexual aversion. Sex can be a beautiful thing but only if it is consensual. Also, I think there are so many other ways to be intimate without having intercourse as such. Just try step by step and not by putting as a goal having sexual intercourse. Try being intimate with him and making him feel wanted as well.

[TishaBuv]

I'm encountering something similar. My thinking is really twisted on this, so I won't say anything that'll make you feel worse. I'm coping with it in a way that's not healthy, but will hopefully give me good results. I had a similar past as you, too.

[AtreyuFreak]

Originally Posted by TishaBuv

I'm encountering something similar. My thinking is really twisted on this, so I won't say anything that'll make you feel worse. I'm coping with it in a way that's not healthy, but will hopefully give me good results. I had a similar past as you, too.

I haven't used any really bad "coping mechanisms" in years (ie cutting or self harm, not eating, etc.) But I do smoke marijuana for medicinal use after a car accident. And when I'm upset and especially if there's flashbacks, I tend to smoke more. I don't necessarily mean to; it's like chain smoking cigarettes when stressed. Replacing bad habits with a drug (albeit legal) is not necessarily a great idea, but to me it's very calming and slows the frequency and intensity of flashbacks.

Disclaimer: I'm not advocating for anyone to self medicate ptsd or anything else with marijuana or anything else. Self medicating isn't a good idea; I do it because I'm a moron. And it was already there.

[TishaBuv]

Yes, self medicating to be able to have sex. And having to fantasize. It's like an out of body experience.

[Big Mama]

I read your thread, and thought DID I WRITE THIS AND NOT REMEMBER IT. I to was raped at 15 and have a history of past early child sexual abuse. I am now 40 and sex is still difficult for me. It is a very personal thing, and you are very vulnerable. But with the right guy I really think that it can be overcome. I was just not with the right guy sexually even in marriage.

A good T can help you with this. My T deals in Traumas, or maybe a sex therapist would be wise.

My advice to you with your bf, is to be VERY clear about what you do and do not do. Be clear about what your reaction may be. I cry during sex sometimes, and it has little to do with my H. But I have learned that telling him this may happen and that it is not him and what to do when I do cry has helped a lot. For me it is solely PTSD related and it is best not to talk to me or ask me "What did I do wrong, or Are you ok" I just can't talk at the moment. I have been known to throw up after sex, and that has nothing to do with my partner either. He knows this now, and that helps so much. It is just a gross quirk he has to deal with if we are going to be having sex. It doesn't happen all the time, just every now and again.

My other advice to you would be to do everything except intercourse it's self first. Start there, take things in baby steps. If kissing doesn't creep you out then great. Move on to breasts, then to private parts. If you have feelings that are uncomfortable, stop what you are doing, and determine why that makes you uncomfortable. It may just be something you can skip and not do, or it may be something that takes some time to gain trust in with your partner before moving on to the next area. I now from experience my H cannot touch my breasts. I have also learned that I can wear a shirt during sex and I can get past that hurdle. Take things one thing at a time, and make sure your bf knows it will likely not end in sex. You can satisify each other mutually if that is something you want, with no intercourse. Or you may change your mind and decide that it is not a bad as you had envisioned and you may want to go all the way. It has to be completely up to you and a decision based on your needs. I'm not trying to say his needs are not important, but at this time your needs are what is being dealt with. There will be time to meet his needs at a later date.

Good luck with this. I wish you all the happiness in the world.