What I've Learned from a Sexless Marriage - Redux

Long story short, many of you know that in October 2014, Mrs Webgoji's libido basically ... disappeared. She's been to both the doctor and her OBGYN and both say everything is normal physically. She hasn't even started perimenopause. She's changed psychologists and has even moved from SSRI's to an atypical antipsychotic. Still nothing. Basically, it seems to be just gone with no rhyme or reason.

Needless to say, I've had plenty of time to think about my role in all of this. And I've come to some conclusions.


The general advice out there doesn't work in my case.

Sex educators say that the partner with this higher libido should masturbate more. But that does nothing for the emotional bonding I'm looking for. It can actually do the opposite.

They say you should be more physical in non-sexual ways. But this leads to increased frustration. The partner with the higher libido will invariably get turned on and now have to deal with rejection.

They say you should talk about and negotiate your sex life. You can't negotiate with a no. My experience is that the partner with the higher libido just comes away from the conversation frustrated and rejected and the other partner ends up feeling terrible.

So I've really been looking at how I need to deal with this and these are the things I've recognized.

• The problem is mine, not her's. Problems are internal and not external and it's my reaction to the situation that's the issue for me. Her needs and wants are being fulfilled, thus Mrs. Webgoji doesn't have a problem.
• Avoid further frustrating myself. Over the past year-plus, I've tried everything from hand-written love letters to romantic evenings to chocolates on the pillow ... you name it. But I'm only serving to further my own frustration. It's better to redirect my emotional energy somewhere else. Like writing or video games.
• The reason we get frustrated and angry is because we expect a situation to be something other than what it is. Our situation is not one of lovers anymore, but ... domestic partners. I have to accept that or else I'm just struggling against reality.

I've got a lot more learning and dealing to do, but it seems to be coming along and my frustration and rejection is slowly dropping off.

Sounds like you have learned a lot.

I'm in a sexless marriage, too. My choice. It has been many years now. I feel guilty but guilt doesn't change the lack of desire. My husband has accepted things the way they are even though he lets me know that he would be interested if I had any interest.

You are not alone in your misery. You sound wise though. Try not to take it personally.

Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk

Stuff like this actually makes me feel better about being single, so thank you!

Honestly I don't know if it's possible to find a woman with a drive as strong as mine, and it seems like masturbation is a touchy subject in a lot of relationships. The idea of her drive dwindling or disappearing like that terrifies me. I don't think I could live without sexual release... Does that make me sound like an addict? I tend to think I'm just a healthy male.

I'm sorry for your situation, Webgoji. At least you have some good conclusions there. Stay strong.

Actually, it doesn't make you sound like an addict at all. Maslow's hierarchy of needs actually lists sex as one of the most basic. So for many people, it's a basic need for happiness.

That said, it's not even just the sex that's a big deal to me, but the emotional bonding and intimacy from it that I'm missing. I'm still figuring out how to deal with the emotional void, but that will take time.

Outstanding. Really. I'm impressed. It's exceedingly rare to have someone look to themselves for the answer in a relationship instead of their partner, and yet, we're the only one we can change.

So, with that said, I think I understand. Though our situations are somewhat difference in cause, I too am in a sexless marriage.

My thoughts verbatim. In fact, I thought you have cut and pasted from my head until I read Mrs. Webgoji instead of Mrs. Yagr. I completely understand the desire for the emotional connection through physical intimacy that you described. It extends beyond sex for me. My wife is taking a nap at the moment, and the dog is curled up with her and they are cuddling. The one hundred forty pound mutt drapes himself over her while she is watching television, eating, sleeping...there is no room for me. This meets her needs for physical intimacy or connection with another living being and keeps her feeling safe. Physical intimacy with another human being has never been safe for her and so, it's uncomfortable.

I get it. Doesn't mean I don't have moments when I don't struggle with misplaced resentment toward the dog.

Might I suggest that the reason for your furthering your own frustrations with these efforts is becomes of the expectation that these efforts might lead somewhere? Lose the expectations and they simply become manifestations and expressions of your love for her. Easier said than done, I know.

*nods* I'm afraid I don't have much to offer but wanted you to know that you are not alone and that it does get easier with time.

So what does the expectation of "domestic partners" entail if in my marriage we are not lovers anymore?
We talk about the kids, the house, schedules, gossip etc. We do what needs to be done before we go to bed & then that's it.
What is my role as domestic partner?

I suppose whatever two people decide works for them is fine, but I don't get this sexless marriage thing.

Partners in life, love have bonded in intimacy, and are supposed to satisfy each other's sexuality, sensuality.

For what reason is one partner refusing? If it's not physical, it's psychological.

I'm not quite in a sexless marriage, but I fear I'm almost there. I'm the Mrs. btw. I used to have a VERY strong libido, very demanding, from what I understand. Well, he's always been more blase about it. In the past year +, I have had severe dyspareunia (pain with intercourse). I have had 3 surgeries, one injection , and the equivalent of a full year of physical therapy. It has helped reduce the pain to a bearable level, but all the medical stuff has destroyed my self-esteem and have so many strangers messing with my most private areas has been indescribably traumatic and dehumanizing.

Now my husband is scared to touch me. When he does it's a five minute (tops) release for him. Then he's asleep. I feel so objectified and hopeless.

I can't have a sexless marriage. I can't thrive that way. But I see no other options that we haven't tried. I feel like it's over between us. There's no passion or intimacy left. Just duty. Domestic partners. I hate it. I just don't understand how a marriage can be happy and complete without it.

Thanks for sharing your observations, though I'm not sure I fully understand them. Maybe I just can't let myself yet, because when I do, then I will feel like all hope really is lost. Still, it's a very interesting discussion. Hope I didn't come off as hijacking it.

This is really insightful, especially with a previous relationship of mine where I lost libido. I found that my ex-partner had a very strong and aggressive libido, while mine was more delicate and sensitive to his more demanding desires. Ultimately I wound up leaving him because he was simply too demanding, and I felt scared and guilty, tying him to someone who would never make him fully happy in the sense that he needed. We had talked it over, and he admitted that he wouldn't be able to be happy in a sexless relationship, that it was a main part of his life, and he couldn't bear to be happy without it.

And now, I'm faced with the same issue, but my current partner is much more understanding and delicate about the situation. He doesn't guilt me intentionally or unintentionally about my sudden drops in moods or my struggles with being touched wrong. He doesn't take it personally (I hope) when I tell him I'm not in the mood. It makes it easier, it makes me feel safer, and it gives me hope that all is not lost between us.

Also, PandorasAquarium, if the issue now is with his stamina, there are ways to help bring that back up! But I'm not sure if the stamina is what you would need, considering the possibility of pain. Definitely look into those options though

I'm struggling with this too. my husband and my sex life has dwindled to next to nothing and it makes me really sad. complicated by co-sleeping arrangements with our kids that have gone well beyond the baby years and he will not have sex anywhere but our bed so it's just about impossible. lately there seems to be an ed issue as well so it seems pretty bleak.

Well we had an interesting update. Turns out that Mrs Webgoji was lying about her depression. Turns out she's been fighting it really badly and hiding it. Ergo, it makes sense that her libido would still be having trouble.

Now the important thing is getting her help, not the libido. So hopefully I've got her convinced to stop lying to her psychiatrist and psychologist and we'll see where things go.

I'm in a sexless marriage too.
I'm the wife.

I don't think I could do it. I am the Mrs. My DH doesn't have a very active libido as it is. He is in his mid 50's, me in my mid 40's. We have been in a dry spell the last couple months due to him and I alternating being sick! I tell you what, I am about to burst! The last couple of nights I have been having very sexual dreams and it making me crazy. I tell you what, tonight, I am having it, I don't know if he is or not, But I am!

Have you considered being allowed to have sex (safely) outside of the marriage?

Do you want sex after a little physical contact, or do you try to seduce her?

I wouldnt put money on that...i have yet to find a guy to keep up with my sex drive!

In answer to both questions; yes.

Now to be honest, I couldn't seduce an android that had been programmed to be seduced by me. But I've done it all; chocolates on the pillow, hand-written love letters, designed a whole evening ... you name it.

And yeah, even after 15 years, her touch excites me.

But all that really isn't the issue any more. She's really fighting depression so that's what we need to focus on. Once that's under control, then we can worry about the intimacy between us again.

That's really nice Webgoji. I wish you the best. You both must have a deep connection with each other.

You sound like a very sweet husband that really loves her, putting your needs aside for her. I have yet to find a man that would do that for me as well...

Try to get some competition into the game. Find a lover Tomane sex with and tell her your are gonna do it and why. It's fair.

Oh, H#$% no! Homey don't play those games. In my opinion that's petty and dishonorable.

No, she's working on her depression and I'm supporting her. She's doing some self help and will address medication correctly at her next appt. Therapy is going to focus less on "us" and more on helping her fight her depression.