Issues with looking at sickening porn as a young adult.

Ive been having a lot of fear and anxiety lately over the past as ive begun to realize I had masturbated to (not fantasized about or wanted to do in person, some heinous and terrible things).

My first experience I can remember with porn was very very far back, and I can remember it because I got in trouble, for some reason as a middle school-er I stumbled upon zoophilia, it has also been something that has followed me into my emerging adult years.

Ive always had a high sex drive and felt this need to always masturbate, which im trying to break, my issue is, is the fact that I began looking at zoophilia, and drawn images that could be considered pedophilia - though those were once or twicly ordeal (as i have realized I am not attracted IN ANY WAY TO CHILDREN and I was disgusted by it) ( it was nothing brutal, the images, or anything that was non consensual, drawn fantasy, and ive always had this fetish to be smaller than who ever i was dating, so that is the only way i think that played into mind and why i even looked at it, it came up on a image board place where it was just random ones one after the other, then i looked at it once more in a forum for it) (I am really scared, Im not attracted to children but does this make me a monster?)

When I am in a horny mood my only thoughts are on the man I am with or a man, but somehow if in my moods I turn to porn I end up on these things. I am terrified of it and to think that i could be labeled a pedophile because of it or a sicko because of the zoophilia.

I dont have fantasies of doing things with any of those topics, but somehow got off to it while watching porn. It scares me to death, as I am religious and I dont want to be this way at all, Ive wanted a husband and a family with the man I am with but because of these realizations im scared to death that i could be a hazard regardless of my non attractions to these things, just the fact that i looked at them and used them. Ive been having panic attacks over it. I dont want to be attached to these things at all, as ive stopped masturbating what so ever and the times in the past where ive slipped up i haven't looked at porn or anything, only thought about the man im with. I am scared I can never shake these things or that I am some kind of monster. I dont know what to do anymore. I just want to be normal, have a husband and a family. Im scared I cant ever have that now because of all of this and me maybe being a monster.

How old are you?
How long have you been married?

You're NOT a monster! Geez. You're very normal, relax & breathe.

Not married, not yet, 21. And I am religious and my faith has been growing in the past year or so, so this has been a big deal. Something I want completely gone from my life.

Sexuality can't instantly be banished from your life. It's part of who you are. I would talk to a therapist about how you feel regarding this, and as Patagonia has suggested, just relax and breathe. There is nothing remotely monstrous about you.

So you're not even 21. You don't let yourself masturbate & you want your sexuality completely gone from your life.

You joining a religious order?

You're a normal person with a unique set of interests + fantasies, don't beat yourself up so much (I know, easier said than done a lot of the time). I don't share any of what you mentioned, but I have my fair share of things that I don't understand but I've kind of looked past that - it's there, a part of me - we all have something different going on in our lives; that doesn't mean we can't live a normal life. Do you have some hobbies that you could maybe focus more on? You are not a monster whatsoever.

I think you're on the right track by being open about something that is obviously causing you distress.

You may find comfort in the knowledge that you aren't alone. This episode of This American Life may be of help...

I suspect that you may just need to find other outlets for your sexuality. It might help to focus on the type of person you want to be, instead of beating yourself up when you make mistakes.

I can relate to you.

If you do not like what you have come to be aroused by, try to invite something different in and redefine what you enjoy sexually. Trying to ban sexuality wont fix it or change what you have come to be aroused by. I started watching couples porn that was very romantically intense and that replaced violent porn for me because it still contained a lot of emotion... For example.