Obsessive approach towards love and sex

I'm a 21 year old attractive female who never been in a relationship and my approach towards love and sex often makes me feel like a creep.

So, I was raised in a highly dysfunctional family, also with some sexual paraphilias going on from one side. I wasn't directly sexually abused, at least not that I remember of such thing. I was also a very lonely, neglected child who was doing whatever I wanted and my bad social skills and family troubles led me to live a life on my own, mostly in the world of daydreams. I have a tendency to obsess about things, just like some others AS traits and my lack of social skills and discomfort among people often makes me wanna find just a one simple road of acting and being (for example, when I mimick people or "pick a personality" to imitate). One of such things I was always wanting to know all about was sex and intimacy and love. I was a child who matured very fastly due to severe hormonal disorders, struggled with high testosterone and anger just like boys do.
I was also living in one room with my parents for 15 years so as a small child I was often there when they were having sex or when there was some TV playing with films featuring sexual scenes or had an access to my mother's books where there also was sex. I kind of picked up on this subject. My father was also working in a huge night club for many years, so I was often hearing stories about the dancers etc etc and maybe then somehow found out "the importance" of looking good and being sexy (They also exposed me to other things very early, such as possibility of violence, crime, people being nasty and other topics. They had no filter of what is appropriate for a child. Like, for example, my father having a gun in the past while it was legal and playing with it often).
I got my period very early, maybe when I was 8 or 9 and I always wanted to know about everything, so that kind of woke up my interest and I begun getting knowledge about masturbation and for many years (not now anymore) it became my way of dealing with stress and anxiety that bullying and lack of social skills gave me. Especially that my parents and other family members were kind of absent or hopeless. I was doing it a lot at that time, especially that I was all alone after coming back from school.
I also had an Internet access so I would read erotica stories, play games and even talk with people on erotic chats (but I was clever and never shared pictures or my name or address).
I also didn't have in mind to actually try any sexual acts with someone, but I kept daydreaming about how great it will be when I'll turn around 16 or 17.
Later on, these fantasies were more about getting intimate with someone, having relationship, than sex per se.

I had a friend in primary school who would always start making up some erotic stories about one girl, we talked about sex a lot and generally - as I matured as the first girl among them - there were lot of questions and I felt kinda big and clever.

When I moved out to another country and was attending a school with girls only my thoughts with being bisexual or even lesbian started. My daydreaming fantasies kept going on, especially that I was more isolated than ever.
In the middle school, I was very fat and had hirsutism and terrible acne all over my body.
You wouldn't say that now, as I'm pretty underweight at the moment and generally attractive, but I fought a lot for it and it was such a despair. I hated myself and others picked me up for it too. Then my daydreaming fantasies turned into those of being attractive and desired.

For a few years, I had these circle of Internet friends, women in their 30 mostly and they were joking about sex and fantasizing about it a lot. I took all their words for granted and I think that's where the idea of my "high school self" came in. I didn't understand why they cut me off when I started doing stuff they were writing about so often. I scared them away.

In high school, my looks begun to change, I started loosing weight, cut my hair. I also had troubles with frustration due to higher standards and still struggled with social skills, so - while I was getting a lot of Xanax and Zoloft making me more furious and less inhibited - I developed an idea of myself as a butch lesbian who can do anything. I met people who were at that time in the middle of this huge gay bohema from the biggest cities, there were clubs etc. We were also partying a lot in our town. I thought that being seen as "crazy" and disinhibited will make people like me. And it kinda did, just that I was left with guilt and the sense of not being truth to myself. I had a romance with a girl from my class, did a lot of embarassing stuff, literally wanted to know everything and treated the whole sex idea as some school subject. I wanted to kiss everyone and try everything. But that wasn't true, and there was still this part of me lacking for something intimate and honest. I was very clingy, talked about my deeds with everyone and that memory makes me feel so creepy. I was so naive in all of this.

I seemed to fall in love with everyone who likes me a bit and was generally too much into people. I had a friend to whom I had to drive like 300 km and we still saw each other often, but I was always sad and grumpy because the only thing I was thinking about was "having him" physically, which I called love.

I also had a lot of things happening with a boy from my town, one of the guys in my friends group (also told him I love him) and we did a lot of crazy things during parties etc, partially because he is a bit like me in these matters. Just that I can now control myself more, and he still doesn't. I was also obsessing about him in the past, and kind of due to some point until this day. We did a lot of kissing, showering together, sleeping together. But when it came to something, I actually cut it off and was pretty nasty and laugh him off.

Yeah, I'm 21 and still didn't have "proper" sex.

Now, I don't think about it much when I'm socially isolated, but it seems a lot of trouble when I go back to my circle of friends (which are, despite the activities we participated in in the past, very intelligent, socially able, people who have their lives together, people who study the most difficult subjects and are very popular and adored). It's that I cannot really keep a friendship or maintain a stable relationship. I always have this need to just get it straight ahead to something "concrete" and it makes me ashamed, that I keep daydreaming so often about getting intimate with those people, like there is nothing in between. I already know which one of them doesn't want to be sexually or romantically involved with me, so I should give up these thoughts, as I did some time ago, but now I'm stressed and overwhelmed by my life situation and daydreaming and developing these damn delusions is just something I do.

What scares me the most is that I don't treat them like people, rather than an objects. I also have many friends that I don't have these desires about and I don't feel anything about them, because I have troubles gaining anything from relationships like that. I don't feel connected to people. Or maybe I just judge them by their level of attractiveness. When I'm calm and comfortable, I try to maintain a lot of boundaries and keep it all clean, but it haunts me from time to time. Mostly because I have this daydreaming tendency. I am so lonely and isolated inside, but at the same time I know that I have no enough skills to build a relationship. Because on a theoretical level, I understand how it works and it's just not me. Apart from obsessive tendencies, I don't have much to offer to another person at this particular moment of my life.

I also suffer from many OCD related sexual thoughts. The "usual" ones as well sexual intrusive thoughts about strangers.

Is this addiction? I feel like - with those sexual approach and this obsessive care for my attractiveness - I compensated for my lack of social skills.

A lot of people on ADD forums have same experience, one girl put it very well:

I want to first let you know that I have no background in psychology or therapy and what I am sharing with you are totally just my personal reactions and are not meant in any way to be seen as any sort of professional advice (because I am clearly not a mental health professional).

So, when I read your story, I was at first very saddened that you had such a difficult childhood experience. But I was also really amazed (and impressed) with the overall tone of your story. Even though you describe some pretty horrific things that a child should never have to experience, you don't seem to be fostering anger or resentment toward your parents. Your insights seem to recognize that your parents were "incapable" of raising a young child effectively. I think this is a great realization on your part, because it sounds as if both of your parents were likely mentally ill (again, just my reaction, and definitely not a professional opinion).
Also, I think your assessment of yourself and where you have come from and where you are currently seems really introspective to me. You mention the possibility of AS, but I have to say, I have encountered MANY people with AS and I have never seen any hint of that level of self-analysis and/or reflection in any way, shape or form in ANY of the AS people I've known over the past 20+ years. That's not to say you don't exhibit some other characteristics that might be associated with AS, but could also be related to another possible diagnosis? (the thing that came to my mind was was 'dissociative', but I don't have enough experience or knowledge about that, so maybe I am completely off base on that one). Anyway, if you do exhibit some dissociative tendencies, given your childhood, you would certainly have every right to do so, in my opinion, and you may have resorted to that in order to cope with your traumatic childhood.
Are you currently seeing a mental health professional (psychiatrist or therapist) on a regular basis? I noticed you listed your current diagnoses and your meds, but I am unfamiliar with the meds you are taking. I have ADHD and am Dyslexic and have struggled with anxiety (situationally, in the past, but it can sneak back in at times). I know I'd not be able to live any type of a normal life without my medication and I also know that sometimes I need med changes or med levels adjusted in order to live a productive life. Also, if I had not had a therapist help me work through some of my issues in college, I would not have learned how to address several of the problems I had growing up and I wouldn't have developed many of the coping strategies that I use to help me work through my "stuff" on a regular basis, even to this day. Also, if I didn't have God in my life, I'd be an absolute wreck. That's all I'll say about that, unless you would like more info. about that and you could Private Message me.
Overall, you seem like you are in a place where you are really ready to receive help. So I would say take your time to find a good mental health professional to help you through the process of healing and moving forward with your life.
You are 21 and you have been through a great deal. But you are still young and you seem eager to change and grow and I believe that will really help you in your journey.
Welcome to PC and I hope you will explore many of the forums here but also use them to seek professional help. Because this thing called "life" is not meant to be done alone and sometimes we need help from professionals to move forward and there's nothing wrong with that

Thank you for your reply! Generally, my mother is an adult child of the alcoholics and my father was raised by a very hostile man with autistic tendencies and obsessive compulsive disorder that took over his life and still does. My father is himself pretty immature, responsibility avoiding and has a low tolerance for frustration, which makes him quite ADHD like.
Despite English not being my first language, I have very high verbal abilities, but it doesn't always make me that bright in real life (I struggle with speech, for example). When it comes to my parents, I have a lot of understanding, but I still feel very hurt and angry from time to time, I just realize I cannot show it the way I did while being a teenager. Yesterday I had a meltdown due to not passing my university entry exam from Maths for the third year and was so frustrated I almost broke my own hand. My father had made some annoying comment about it and I told him to **** off, so it's not like I'm the most calm person on Earth. Now he's giving me silent treatment.
And despite my generalized anxiety disorder, panic disorder and ocd, I always felt like there is something more to that. I have an amazing long term memory so I remember exactly how I was as a child with great detail. I have many AS and ADD traits, such as troubles with motor skills, short term memory, I've been very opposite defiant as a kid and teenager, still have problems with authorities, my visual skills are almost non existent (I have difficulty with driving and Maths and dancing and all that kind of stuff, everything non verbal), I have meltdowns and troubles with regulating my emotions (which makes me pretty bipolar but I try to avoid that diagnosis, as it's pretty misunderstood and overdiagnosed), I'm an underachiever, I'm impulsive (I never know how enough is enough), my gait, body posture and eye contact are poor, I'm very sensitive to stimuli and possess many other traits that I think fall either under ADD or Asperger's diagnosis. I wouldn't have so much to say if I weren't obsessed with neuropsychology and self evaluation. I do it since I was a teen.
I had around 4 psychiatrists in the past, I had to ask for it each time (quit after my bad journey with SSRI meds), one psychologist that didn't help me much and also had a speech therapist for a short amount of time. I was at a one meeting with family therapist but my parents just pretended to be nice and then said they won't do it.
Now, I'm undergoing some neurological tests from my own money and would love to visit someone specializing in neurodevelopmental disorders to check my suspicions, but that requires more money and a trip to another town. And I do not have a stable job right now because it's really hard to find in such a small town as mine. There is that lady who takes care of kids with ADD and AS but she can also check for adults.

And no, I'm not taking any psychiatric meds since around 4 years. I just take some for my pituitary gland/thyroid disfunction and some supplements. And beta blokers from time to time.

You really seem to understand yourself and where you are right now and where you'd like to be, which is great. Sensory issues, learning problems and eye contact are not always attributable to AS and Asperger's, but they certainly can be,as you mentioned.
I think it is a good idea to get that evaluation whenever you can afford it or perhaps try to connect with people at a local University Psych department and see if they offer an free services or clinical trials that you might be interested and feel might benefit you, soo.
I do love research about this stuff and part of me when I read almost anything can see a little bit of myself in almost every diagnosis I read eventually, if I look hard enough. But I just focus on the main 2 challenges that i KNOW affect my life the most: MY ADHD and Dyslexia. I have meds and plans in place to work on those on an ongoing basis.

It's okay to be angry and frustrated, but overall, your tone is pretty positive, too, which is AWESOME! I think if you can even meet with someone to help you identify two main areas (ie. diagnoses and/or challenges) that you would like to work on (say for the next 6 months or a year) and create a plan (that may or may not include certain meds and strategies etc.), then you will make really good progress.

In my opinion, it seems like you might want to focus on: 1. developing meaningful and safe friendships with others (that could eventually lead to intimacy in the future) 2. Developing skills and strategies to not only pass your University entrance exam, but also to be successful at University (and you WILL need others' help to do so and please NEVER feel bad about that, many people do!!!) 3. Processing some of the abuse and neglect you suffered in your child to help you learn to "release" the hold this has on you in your adulthood (to the best of your ability) 4. Develop some strategies and coping skills for managing compulsions, emotions and frustrations etc. more appropriately and 5. Finding some passions and interests to explore and develop (and possibly to pursue at University) so you can develop some skills and abilities to find employment in the future.

I am sure there are many more things you'd like to work on and address, but perhaps these might be some of the ones you could choose to focus on and work through over the next several years??? These are big goals and you need time and support to work on them (and, again, please don't feel bad about that, we ALL have stuff we need to work on).

I think if you can connect with a therapist and/or agency to help get you started, you seem bright and aware enough to develop and implement (and even tweak and revise) plans to work on these things…One area and one step at a time.

It's a day by day thing and you are on the right track. You have MANY things going for you. Keep reaching out and keep moving forward to actively engage in your journey. Maybe keep a journal or notebook of your progress. If you choose an area to target, make a plan and then meet that goal and move on to the next…over time you will see great results (even if they seem like SMALL great results).

You can do this! Best of luck to you!

Your reply means so much to me! Thank you for your time! And, may I ask, how does your ADHD manifests itself?

I believe I can take any diagnosis, apart from schizophrenia (which I rather don't have, it would probably be seen in my EEG results) and the "real" bipolar disorder (the one with severe, psychotic mania). I don't know why, but it really creeps me out. I don't think I could take it. Perhaps I'm so afraid of losing myself because there is no one to take care of me and help me at the moment. I even have this schiz ocd, I must admit and constantly watch my mind for too much excitement and aggression, which is tough, because my emotions are pretty strong in general.

I've been discussing it with a friend recently. It's really important, which I haven't seen in the past because I was always taught to be on my own and take care of everything by myself.

Sounds like you are on the right track…and that you've found a goal you would like to work on. Developing skills for friendship and building a friendship with someone is such an excellent goal and a good place to start, especially BECAUSE you have always had to rely on and do things yourself. That shows you really desire to connect effectively with someone else. Seek to build friendships right now, with NO EXPECTATION of intimacy for awhile and once you are progressing with that, you can go from there.
Since you already seem to have made peace with the diagnoses of "Generalized Anxiety"/"Panic Disorder", "OCD" and "PTSD", maybe you can try to find a new therapist or counselor who specializes in these areas that can help you begin to work on a plan for this goal to get started?? (and possibly be open to medication if the recommendation were to be given somewhere in the process)?
With your many years that you lacked guidance and effective parenting growing up, you likely will need some outside help to make a plan to move forward with this goal and there's not only no shame in this, it's a really good thing you're looking into it.
You seem very capable of and willing to take this on and I wish you the very best of luck moving forward

Now to answer your question about my ADHD. I take meds daily and then in the 11th hour of my 12 hour meds, I take another "buffer" medicine that lasts a few more hours and so I am fairly well controlled for most of the day. However, when I am not medicated (nightly) I can sometimes not handle emotions (irritation, frustration, fatigue, anger etc.) very well and my emotions seem to be very elevated (especially if my adrenaline is triggered by these heightened emotions). In addition, I struggle with excessive energy (currently I am experiencing heightened/hyper sexual desires, but in the past the heightened behavior might be hyper focusing on something else that I put excessive energy into). Some examples include: looking into buying a vacation house (that I could never afford but got fascinated with (I didn't buy it, just spent tons of time researching it) reading books, watching television shows or surfing online with no awareness of time) and also some things like compulsive spending problems (buying books, clothing etc. at night that I really don't need etc.). On days when I occasionally forget my meds, I feel so scattered and jittery and I just can't concentrate/focus on anything and I worry all day that someone will notice and so I tend to watch the clock all day and just can't wait to go home and get away from everything that seems to be over stimulating me. Since I have struggled with this, I now always carry an extra pill in my purse, just in case and it is usually with the first hour of my day that I can tell I haven't taken my meds and then I go and take it immediately. Even on meds, I really have to watch things sometimes. I talk. A LOT! In truth, I "think aloud" (even on meds). And sometimes, even on meds, if my adrenaline is triggered by emotions, it can "override" my medicine, in a way, and I still say things aloud or act impulsively and then feel badly and need to apologize to people afterward. it's a struggle at times, but that is why I feel I REALLY need meds and they help me so much, because I can't even see this stuff and create a plan to work through these challenges and actually use strategies I have to address my challenges and difficulties when I don't have my meds.
Many people don't believe in medications for illnesses like ADHD, but I can truly say I'd be really SO MUCH LESS FUNCTIONAL/SUCCESSFUL and PRODUCTIVE without them. And there's NO WAY I would be doing as well as I am without my meds. I still have many things to work on, but I CAN see what I need to work on and make plans and accept advice while on my meds. Sometimes, in the evening without meds, I am much more easily offended and bothered by things that I don't even seem to notice during the day, too and that affects me negatively in relationships at times.

SO… I hope that helps. You've shared a great deal about you and I hope this helps you understand me just a little better, too.

Feel free to send me a Private Message any time. I am a parent and my adult children are not too far from your age. Thanks to people (and meds) helping me, I feel I've been (and still am) a pretty good mom. My son also has ADHD (medicated) and my daughter struggles with anxiety/depression at times (just like her dad, my ex did, but he refused to acknowledge and get help or try meds).

I think you really will benefit from working with a therapist (and I hope you will) but I am happy to provide you with some practical "mom" advice (if I can) from time to time, too!

Good luck keep moving forward!