why do people pretend porn isn't the problem?

Why do so many people think porn is acceptable when it is so easy to fall into a addiction which is directly detrimental to relationships ?

I have 2 cases in my direct circle of friends. Two female friends of mine are considering breaking up a relationship because their boyfriends watch porn regularly.

My boyfriend lied about watching porn. To me, the main issue isn't even the 'cheating' factor. It is the fact that porn will put unnatural fantasies into his head and I know that when we are intimate he will be fantasizing about those instead of focusing on the present. Worst case, he will bring them up and want to try them and even thinking about it throws me in a fit of anger and sadness. Even worse, he will think that me, as a woman, enjoys being mistreated like actresses in these X-rated videos.
Yet everyone pretends that it is totally possible to keep fantasy separated from reality.

I have watched my fair share of these awful videos myself as a teen compulsively, because I thought it would be a mean to fix my aversion to sex.

I'm now talking from a female perspective but one of these 2 friends I mentioned stopped wanting to have sex with her boyfriend because she cannot stand the fact that he uses porn. This lead them to have an almost non-existent sex life, him to complain that their sex life is dead and resorting to use porn as a means of escape. It is a vicious circle, heavily influenced by the use of these videos.

The worst thing to me is that it is often the partner of the porn user who is blamed. The partner is told to get over it and just accept that their boyfriend/girlfriend watches porn. Then of course, the stereotypical advice that follows is 'why don't you just watch it together ? it is so much fun !'

My opinion is : These x-rated videos have created a lot of problems in our society, but people keep denying it. They are not educational, they don't bring a couple closer together. They merely destroy bonds in the long run.

What do you guys think ?

I think I will go watch some porn. Then tell my husband about it via text msg while he's at work.

It's a personal choice and shaming or judging and asking for support well idk seems fantastical to me.

I'd rather have my husband watch porn beside me in bed doing his thing then him out doing his thing with another woman.

He'd rather the same for me. Oh and exploring fantasy KNOWING its fantasy helps me do the things I want in my head and not go seeking it elsewhere.

Grrrr this topic pisses me off everytime it comes up.

Shame on you and your judgmental self. You have no right! As for your friends. Mind your damn business. Let them work it out for themselves. That's what adults do.

/rant

You're just like everyone. "Get over it, it's better than cheating." I get hurt in both cases. So I'm supposed to go for the less bad one ?

Your response isn't like an adult's at all, by the way. Telling my "I'm going to watch some porn." because I have a problem with it and you know it is like a teenager trying to piss off his mother with his tantrum.
And you are being judgemental, judging me for having a problem with it.

And if it pisses you off, why did you even bother replying ?

Wow....just wow....

Just one question. Why does a complete stranger watching porn in the privacy of their own home, or what have you, bother you so much? What is it to you what I do behind closed doors when it doesn't harm anyone?

Sex is a basic and essential need. It also releases endorphins and bonds two people closely, and on a very deep level. When a person has no one to connect with on this deeply intimate level, they require the use of self love to meet that need. When they practice the art of self love, they sometimes need a bit of visual stimulation to complete the task. That is my case. I don't require more than one or two sessions every 4 or 5 days to satisfy this need. Besides, it's been clinically proven that regular orgasms are beneficial to a woman's overall health. It not only releases endorphins and dopamine to stimulate the pleasure centers of our brains, but it is also good for cardio vascular health as well. I assume male orgasms are on the same level of this beneficiary health factor.

You seem to be harboring a lot of resentment towards porn and bottled up sexual repression. Perhaps something happened in your life that triggered you to feel and act this way. May I suggest you seek out a T to work out this resentment and bottled up repression your exhibiting?

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It's a very difficult topic to talk about, especially since there's so many people like Shawkat2009 who so kindly demonstrated how NOT to reply to someone who has seen people suffer.

However, I do believe that people use porn primarily as a high to numb their own suffering rather than because they don't love their partner. Of course, that triggers a vicious cycle because in the long run regular porn use can easily lead to more pain, which in turn leads to more porn. I speak from experience. I struggle with porn, and the cycle is not fun for me.

I'd talk with your friends about this and let them know how you feel, but try not to force them to change. That's like trying to stop a train speeding at 100mph. It doesn't work.

Good luck to you.

Love to know more of your struggles with this ?

I agree with all you said but how to change the desire for porn when stressed, anxious, lonely , frustrated ??

LOVE ME SOME PORN!!!

nomnomnomnom

I was thinking about starting a thread about porn myself, and then I came across this one.

I'm nearly 50 years old. I was sexually molested once when I was about 10. I experimented with porn off and on over the years (my use has been of the vanilla variety- I don't even like kinky stuff. I kinda like the sex that both people are obviously enjoying). I admit kinda like it, and I'm not so sure it's wrong in and of itself. Sex is natural and beautiful, and the human body is natural and beautiful, as far as I'm concerned. I have a good relationship w/ my wife. I honestly think I've used porn because I'm in control sexually, as opposed to being molested, so it's satisfying in that way- it's like I'm taking sex and making it mine, instead of being mistreated sexually.

But, I have to admit to looking at women in real life in ways that probably made them feel uncomfortable, and I'm not proud of that. I have 2 sisters that I love dearly, and I'm not sure I'd want them knowing about what I look at, and the thoughts I have.... But, then again I wouldn't want them watching my wife and I when we're having sex, either, lol.

Sex is such a personal thing. I suspect it's hard for all of us to express just how we think of sex, even when it's with legitimate partners we needn't feel shameful about.

So, is porn an issue? I don't know for sure. I'd like to get to the point where I don't look at it at all. And when I do live without it, I don't miss it all that much.

You think I haven't seen suffering? Wow. I was raped at 13, molested at 8, cheated on countless times once while ip. Beaten emotionally and physically and unable to work for seven years as I learn to rebuild myself.

My current husband thankfully has the patience of a saint and a heart of gold so if my opinion is that of better porn than cheating I think I have a valid point.

I am an adult btw with grown children. My ex husband made mincemeat of my self esteem I was left or rather I had to leave my home with my teenage son, no place to live and no job.

I responded because it appears you think you have the right to tell others what is right or wrong. I'm tired of people condemning others because they watch porn. It's a personal choice and shouldn't be up for debate especially since you are referring to other people who aren't here nor able to give both sides of the story friends or not.

Haters will hate I choose LOVE and minding my own business when it comes to my friends sexual habits.

Take care, enjoy your life. Mocking you may not have been the best way to respond but I had a point to make. C'est la vie!

Peace

Sure, if you are an adult, you have the right to watch all the porn you want. But here is why it can quickly become an addiction and be so destructive. Porn makes you confuse fantasy with reality. What happens in a video is fantasy. Watch too much of it and you expect real life to be like that fantasy. That you are a mega-stud and gorgeous women will do anything to have sex with you. When you find your reality is NOT that, you retreat to more porn. The addiction, I think comes from loneliness of one sort or another. You are not making the human connections you need, loneliness sets in and porn fills the void. Confuse the fantasy with reality and that leads to destroying relationships, squandering time and money, losing your job and sometimes, even worse. This idea that porn is no big deal is bullish I t.

Sorry to chime in here...but perhaps people watch porn because they are not satisfied with their real life sex-life? We have way too many hangups and social anxieties about intimacy in the West. People like us; daily life is not all peaches and cream...a little porn is a good distraction and I'd be damned to give it up. This is not a religious forum, is it?
TimTheEnchanter formerly known as KinkyGuy

Doesn't it seem like the main question is, "is porn unethical?" If it's just wrong, then it's wrong. If it's not inherently wrong, then it's possible to just communicate with one's partner.

If someone likes porn, and their partner just thinks it's wrong to view it, then that can cause real issues. Should the porn watcher convince the other partner that it's no big deal? Or should the porn watcher respect the other partner's opinion?

Well, I can see a conflict arising between partners, but the main issue is; does anyone have the right to impose something like this on others? If the person is considering it cheating than the question is; is it? Is watching something like porn, cheating? If not, why meddle into someone's private affair? Insecurity? I am not making a judgment call here, I watch porn, I am married and there is no conflict for us.

I do think if one partner is into porn and the other isn't, then it's something that needs to be talked about.

The OP seems to me be suggesting that only men like porn, but there are women who also like porn. I think it's too simplistic to just make a blanket statement and say "porn is bad".

I'm not pretending. I honestly don't know if there is enough evidence that suggests that porn is a problem. Would the OP like to make a better case?

Firmly planted in reality.
Has had fantasy turn into reality. Being bisexual.
Porn not necessary to myself or husband but I still would rather it to cheating. MY opinion that works in MY life.
Truly madly deeply in love with my husband.
Know that movies mainstream, porn, what have you, unless based on a true story, fiction or fantasy not reality.
One chooses what they believe. I know no one who has a porn addiction but I do know a lot of people who enjoy porn once in awhile. That doesn't mean it doesn't exist for some.
Everything in moderation.

I'm done with this thread. Take care!

I don't understand the big deal. Its kind of like watching a movie to me. If a character jumps in a forest, it doesn't mean I'm going to do that right now. Even if I did, its ok to dream. That's what life is all about.

I think people are the problem, not porn, and I'm not pretending.


Just like how some people can drink and never become alcoholics and others just can't avoid it.


Doesn't mean alcohol in and of itself is bad.


Some folks are predisposed to addictive / obsessive behaviors, others not.


Blaming porn itself?


Well we can do that till the cows come home, but its a booming industry and its going nowhere, whether we like it or not..


Generalizing and making blanket statements will just rub most people up the wrong way and then you receive the opposite of what you were hoping for when posting...


The way I see it, it comes down to this: If you know you can't handle your drink, stay away from the bar, if you can't separate fantasy from reality, stay away from the porn and the video games for that matter.


It's up to each individual to monitor and govern themselves.

I like to watch porn.

Here's my particular take on (soft) porn:

I think it probably interferes with a real adult relationship.

However, I was brought up in a very sexually repressive atmosphere, and porn was a relief to me to be able to think about sex at all.

I think of porn the way I think of movies or TV: there are all sorts of different stories, genres, settings and messages. Just because there are a lot of movies and TV shows that are sexist and degrading doesn't mean that we should BAN all movies and TV entirely, and never have any entertainment or fantasy.

Have you seen feminist porn? Amateur porn? I'm a woman who watches porn, and I NEVER watch any of that mainstream cheesy scripted crap that everyone else talks about. It disgusts me more than it could ever arouse me. Porn is a vast medium just like non-porn movies.

Can porn be abused? Yes, absolutely, but like Trippin said, so can alcohol.

Do cave paintings and erotic sculptures also destroy relationships and your brain? I think not.