sick sexual fantasy involving my sister - am I normal?

Hi all,
I'm new to this forum and would appreciate some feedback regarding a sexual fantasy I replay in my mind every time I masturbate, that I'm very uncomfortable with.
I'm an 18 year old virgin male. I have been with girls but before only ever kissed them.I have a very high sex drive and I am very curious and nervous about having sex.
Masturbation for now gets me off until the proper time comes along.

I guess I masturbate about twice or tree times a week. Up until a few months ago I used to jerk off to regular porn on the internet. That all changed the day I saw my older sister in a pair of very sexy panties. My sister Sarah is 4 years older than me and she now lives away from home and only calls around at weekends.

It happened a few months ago when myself and Sarah were at home alone one Saturday evening. Sarah was going out that evening and in a hurry getting ready. I was watching TV in the Den room not passing any remarks on her at all. All of a sudden she comes into the room wearing a tee shirt and panties. She came in looking for the clothes iron and started to look around the different presses in the room. The tee shirt was long enough to cover her panties but as she moved around the room and looked up in tall presses I could see her sexy panties in full view for most of the time. She was in a hurry and I dont think she realized I could see as much as I did. I was immediately turned on. Sarah is tall and slim. A lot of my friends think she is hot.
Up until this moment I never thought of her in any other way other than she is my sister. Never before did I think of her sexually. Now I cant get the image of her in sexy panties out of my head.
A half hour later she went out for the night and I was home alone. I was still very sexually charged. As soon as she went out I went into her bedroom and opened up her panties drawer. This was the first time I ever did this in all my years growing up. I could not believe all the sexy panties she kept. I had such a huge urge to try on her panties and masturbate. and I did. The orgasm was so much better than the regular porn orgasms I have. Afterwards I felt guilty and dirty. She was my sister after all. It was very strange because II have no incestuous feelings for Sarah.
It was all about her sexy panties.
This now continued every time I had the desire to masturbate. When ever the house is empty (not very often) and I get the chance i will try on her panties and masturbate. I am always careful and I never cum on her stuff. When I cant jerk off with her panties I find myself imagining Sarah wearing her sexy lingerie. I imagine her getting dressed and walking around in her bedroom in her underwear. I also imagine her reaction if I walk in on her by accident. How would she react to me seeing her in her sexy lingerie?

Its like I cant think of anyone else now when I masturbate. I feel so bad for going through her stuff for one and also that she is in my mind when I jerk off. Surely this is not normal?
I would be so embarrassed if she or anyone else ever knew. The thoughts of having sex with my sister makes me feel gross.

In the last few weeks while jerking off I now have a fantasy where Sarah catches me stealing her panties and as a result locks me in one of the storage cells in our basement as punishment.
In this fantasy she makes me wear her panties as she locks me in the cage and warns me not to jerk off. In my fantasy she tells me that if I jerk off in her panties she will leave me locked in the basement cage for 24 hours. If I dont jerk off she will let me out in two hours. I always fail and end up jerking off in her panties right in front of her. I can vividly picture her looking at me in disgust as I masturbate in front of her. She then leaves me overnight as her prisoner.
I have never experienced orgasms like the ones when I'm wearing her panties for real and imagining her looking at me in disgust through cage bars. Porn was never this good.

So, am I normal? Do guys my age have ****ed up fantasy's about masturbating in their older sisters panties while being locked up as her prisoner?
I feel its having an effect on me as I feel dirty and awkward when I'm around her for real. She has no idea what goes on in my head and I think I a little screwed up because of this.
I wish I never saw her in her panties that Saturday night. I didn't come looking for this.

Am I a freak?

Stefen

Hello stefen22: I don't know as I have a lot to offer here. The one thing I have come to realize, as a result of reading numerous posts similar to yours here on PC, is that there are all sorts of sex-related fantasies, fetishes, & compulsions people develop. No, you're not a freak! Young men, as a rule, have extremely high sex drives. And young men have been masturbating to various forms of pornography... probably for as long as there have been young men. Years ago, masturbation was done to magazines. Nowadays it's internet porn.

The fact is that everyone has sex-related fantasies of one sort or another. You're no exception. You've simply become unwittingly caught up in a sex-related fantasy that carries with it a lot of morality-related landmines, so to speak, in that it involves your sister. It is possible, I suppose that your use of internet porn sort-of set you up to be susceptible to this kind of compulsion. Perhaps it is also an indication that you have something of an addictive personality. But I don't know any of this for a fact. These are just thoughts that occur to me.

The fact that you're reacting to this situation the way you are has, from my perspective, both positive & negative aspects to it. It's positive because you have an awareness of what you're struggling with, & you understand the social / moral implications of it. You want to let it go. But it's negative because of the distress, shame & disgust it is causing you. From my perspective, this is where the real danger lies here. This kind of inward-directed shame can be corrosive. So, if you find you simply cannot let this go, you may want to consider seeking the services of a mental health therapist with whom you can talk through (over a period of time) what you are struggling with... ideally a therapist who has experience working with individuals who have sex-related concerns.

I see this is your first post here on PC. So... welcome to PsychCentral… from the Skeezyks! I hope you find the time you spend here to be of benefit.

PsychCentral is a great place to get information as well as support for mental health issues. There are many knowledgeable & caring members here. The more you post, & reply to other members’ posts, the more a part of the community you will become. Plus there are social groups you can join & chat rooms where you’ll be able to connect with other PC members in real time (once your first 5 posts have been reviewed & approved.) Lots of great stuff! So please keep posting!

Hi there.

Currently it seems to me you just have a fetish on her underwear, and that is not that bad as it sounds. I've heard quite a lot of men have a turn-on for sexy clothes.

I would try start dating a girl and then later imagine her in the same underwear and in the same "prisoner fantasy". Maybe your subconscious is overly active at this age, and it gets overly sensitive. If you start dating someone attractive it might change things for you.

No hon...you are just fine. You are a young budding man and females are females regardless of the relations. Besides, you weren't eyeballing your sister, the way it reads....it was the girl parts....your sister shouldn't be running around in her panties like that anyways....she's not 6 anymore....next time tell her to go put a towel on.

Just let it go and shrug it off.

I too think that you're fine and completely normal! I also agree that if you start dating and find a nice girl you'll probably start having fantasies about her and the ones about your sister will subside. Teen aged boys have very high sex drives and we ALL Have fantasies that we can't explain. A therapist could help you with that if you can't stop obsessing about it, but I think that you're going to be fine.

Hi all,
Thank you all for your replies and the reassurance to me that I'm somewhat normal. It means a lot.
I totally get what you're saying about the panties turning me on. I don't think it's because they're my sisters panties but it's because their sexy panties. They could belong to anyone.
I know if it came down to it I would never want to have sex with her for real.

I'm still not sure why I imagine Sarah locking me up and punishing me. Since my fantasy evolved to this level the orgasms are so good.
I have developed such a vivid and elaborate sequence of events in the fantasy that it almost feels like its real when I go there and close my eyes.
When I'm home alone and have the chance I will go down to the basement and play out my fantasy with her panties in one of the storage cages. All thats missing is Sarah looking in at me in disgust. At one time I "locked" myself in, wore only her panties and played the role of her prisoner for over an hour before I finally allowed myself to climax.

I almost want her to catch me in her panties down there for real. Will she react the way I imagine. Dangerous territory here I know.
Sorry for being so graphic here but its whats going on with me right now.
Thanks for reading.