[sebastianmonroe529]

Hi -

When i'm with my girlfriend, I can get an erection pretty easily when we kiss or make out. But the second our thoughts turn to the bedroom and we intend to have sex, I go completely limp. And I can never get it back.

I don't think this is a simple case of ED. Although I've 100% always wanted a girlfriend and have liked no one other than girls, I've never really been into sex; growing up I was actually much more sexually stimulated by certain BDSM fetishes than I was normal "porn" (in fact, I find normal porn gross). So although I very much love my girlfriend and am sexually attracted to her, I just don't seem to have the sexual drive necessary to please her in the 'normal' fashion.

Am I completely screwed? Would an ED medication help?

[Submax]

The Ed med may help,you also need to think about the fetish that turns you on while you are with your girlfriend. I don't know what your fetish is but maybe the girlfriend wouldn't mind it and do it with you. Look,I don't know your age or if your indulging the fetish with a Dominatrix or just looking at porn. If you are just looking at porn try stopping for a couple months and focus on relaxing with your girlfriend.

[Mike_J]

Xanax (actually Alprazolam) helps me with not to stress too much about sexual performance. It can be a vicious circle, you have an issue one time, then you worry about it the next time and that worry causes problems. So for me this is the little blue pill that really helps, but I'm sure an ED medication wouldn't hurt anything, might go a long way to replacing some/most of your worries with confidence.

[Bill3]

Have you thought about speaking with a sex therapist?

[sebastianmonroe529]

Originally Posted by Bill3

Have you thought about speaking with a sex therapist?

This might sound like a dumb question but what exactly would a sex therapist do? I'm not saying that to be a **** i'm genuinely asking, because I've gone to therapy for other completely non-related issues and found it to be a complete waste of time.

[Bill3]

Well a good sex therapist will know how to investigate the causes of loss of erection and will be completely comfortable and knowledgeable in speaking to you about it. They will have ideas about where the problem came from, how to solve it, and they will make suggestions for you to try.

I suspect that you will find that your losses of erection are not medically related (they will consider that and possibly have you go to a doctor) but rather are somehow related to your background, thoughts and experiences about sex, and/or your relationship with your girlfriend. A good sex therapist will help you figure that out and get past it.

It does concern me that you found your previous therapy to be a waste of time. It is important that you have a basic belief that a therapist can help you; complete skepticism about therapy works against the success of treatment. On the other hand, though, I am certain that you want to resolve the problem and in my mind at least a good sex therapist is the logical person to help you do that. This is what they do for a living.

So here is what I suggest: Find a sex therapist by going to one or both of these websites:

www.aasect.org (American Association of Sex Educators, Counselors, and Therapists)

Home - Society for Sex Therapy and Research (SSTAR) (Society for Sex Therapy and Research)

Only use someone who is a member of one or both of these organizations.

Once you have a person or two or three in mind, contact them for an introductory meeting. Tell them about losing erections and see what they have to say, and if they have experience working on loss of erection. I expect that they will. If, after meeting with them, you find someone who you have confidence in, then work with that person for a while and see what sort of results you get. I think that they can help you.

[PerryJeffJoeJimBob]

My personal situation sounds nearly identical to yours. Including the BDSM fetish, and I also went to the limp noodle state upon penetration. My therapist was unable to address my issues, and admitted her sex therapy training was limited. As Bill3 described above, I began seeing an aaesect trained sex therapist. We have explored my emotional, physical, and performance issues. With the help of Cialis and sex therapist things have improved. While I haven't orgasmed during intercourse, I have from hand or oral stimulation. I was even able to give my girlfriend an orgasm during intercourse. I am optimistic my intercourse orgasm is going to occur soon. Without the sex therapist this may never have happened. Thank goodness for the Cialis, but thank god for the sex therapist.

[sebastianmonroe529]

Thank you everyone; I appreciate the help