[KamaKrazeeKevoooooo]

Hey I'm a first time poster on this site, and I'm having issues that I just don't know what to do about so I figured I'd just post on here and make an *** out of myself.

So first I'll post some stats to try and help get the big picture, I'm a male I'm 25 years old about five foot 8 and around 120-130 pounds depending on the time of year and if I'm working out/ busy with work a lot, I have brown hair that I shave bald because I have a thin spot on the top and I genuinely like the look of a shaved head, I am an athiest and I'm half Spanish on my mothers side and I try to get as much sun as possible because it helps with lots of issues and makes me feel better, I have ADD that I take medicine for (Vyvanse, Effexor) Ive been called ugly quite a lot in my life and it's something I've accepted, I'm ok with being ugly because it's part of who I am, I've also had body issues since I was a teen which I don't mind too much because it keeps me taking care of myself, my parents are divorced and I have three younger siblings one of which has cut himself off from our family. So that's about it for some basic details.

A big part of my issue I fight daily is I am a virgin, I've never had a long relationship, girls do not like me at all, and on the rare chance they do either I'm not attracted to them Or some other factor gets in the way, I dread marriage and I don't like or want kids, I don't want my life to become routine and mediocre because I've seen what it does to people, they start to resent each other and they start to resent life. I won't become religious, I'm also Straight Edge which means I don't drink do drugs or have casual sex, but I'm also a male and my sex drive has always been very high, which I'm managed to control even though I've made mistakes and stumbled a couple of times, I've had a few different times where I've had to opportunity to have sex but every time I've realized I truly felt nothing for the person and declined or rejected the offer, the farthest I've gone is oral sex with a few different girls and even then I end up hating my lack of control over myself, I used to masturbate frequently to help get rid of the urges and drives but I always felt hollow and empty and exhausted and depressed afterward so for the past month I've abstained from masturbating as well, it's made my aggression go up but it's also given me a fire to work out more and to be more of myself, so I'm kinda happy with that, I also have a love hate relationship with phone sex and sending nudes to girls who are interested in me it gets me going at the time but some times I regret it and think of myself as being a slut or man***** and I've always disliked people like that because I feel they have no control and to be easy like that shows they aren't something special or rare which I end up angry at myself for.

I have no friends and I am not a fan of getting close to people, at one point in my life I think the opposite was true I wanted to find a girl who loved me and who I could love back and get close to but it never happened and over the years I've grown to be angrier more cynical much much less social less patient and less willing to give people a chance, to the point of considering myself to be a misanthrope. I am told I'm ugly to the point of being hideous but I still try to put myself out there, although that is become more and more rare, I sign up for social networking/dating sites but it follows the same trend of I'm not good enough for most girls and the ones I'm good enough for usually don't interest me at all, I don't know if I'm being too picky but I can't lie to myself and somebody else just because "settling" is ok. I am not shy in real life I try to put myself out there but the most I usually get are stares that I can see the disgust/dislike in and so like an animal in a cage I'll strike first and make it clear not to mess with me, whenever I like a girl and find out she isn't a virgin I immediately like her a lot less I think of all the people she could have been with and instantly I lose a lot of interest in her it may be stupid pride but hey pride can be good. If I find out a girl is promiscuous I instantly lose all interest in her and feel white hot pride/jealousy/disgust and move on same if she has a kid, I see lots of people my age starting to settle down especially in Utah where lots of people start families or get married very young and I feel equal parts pity, disgust and jealousy.

I'm getting older but I still feel young sometimes younger than I realize and have to be reminded when an 18 year old calls me old or something like that which I don't blame them for. I think about my own death all the time I want to go out in my prime as the person I truly am I want to be remembered in that moment I don't want to get to old age and die in a bed I want my death to be fast glorious maybe even violent the whole going out with a bang idea. I don't remember my dreams often but the good ones are about violence and my death or something similar and the dreams I wake up in a cold sweat are dreams of a normal life of settling down of a wife and kids in some house in the suburbs and I wake up horrified and wanting to puke, whenever I see a girl I was interested in get married the first thought in my head is "dodged a bullet there"

I can't stand people my age and I hate that I'm a "millenial" because they are everything I hate and can't stand, I avoid social situations like the plague and I'm better with animals than with people, I can't stand trends and I hate when something I like becomes popular, maybe I'm being a contrarian but I just refuse to be a mindless sheep. I try not to judge people on their choices but if I don't like their choices I make it clear and make it very clear I won't make their choices myself but I'll usually say "hey if that's what makes you happy" to let them know I don't hold it against them unless it's something big.

Anyway all that was just rambling probably from an unwell mind, long story short I'm torn on sex and on people part of me wants it part of me would rather watch it all burn, part of me understands why I'm not good enough for people and wishes it was and part of me wants to kick heads in to keep people far far away. Part of me hates being a 25 year old virgin, part of me sees it as a badge of self control and honor. Part of me wants sex and closeness part of me fears settling down and doubts I'll ever find someone who fits with my weird *** piece and feels disgusted at the touch of others and hates hugs and hates signs of affection and many other things.

So I don't know what I'm looking for here I don't know if I need answers or if I even have a question, if you want to ask a question I'll answer as truthfully as possible, sorry for the life story though.

[WinterStorm]

I would say to focus on the things that make you happy. Ugly is subjective, so don't think of yourself that way. People worth having in you life will be attracted to your spirit. And if you don't like yourself, then others won't. I think you feel the way you do due to a low self esteem. And instead of dealing with you issues, you seem to internalize them which gives you those violent thoughts. Learn to enjoy your own company. Don't be afraid to explore life and your interests, travel (if possible). As I've gotten older I've also had trouble connecting with people. My son is the same way and these are the things I say to him. Be happy. Love yourself. Stay positive.

[Skeezyks]

Hello KamaKrazeeKevoooooo: Since this is your first post eere on PC, welcome to PsychCentral… from the Skeezyks! I hope you find the time you spend here to be of benefit.