[Thaine]

Background info: I have always known myself to be a polyamorous person. When I first met my husband, he believed he was too. However, two years ago I had a partner that was abusive and manipulative, and by the time I figured it out and broke it off, it had done lasting damage to my husband and I's relationship. Since then, we have become monogamous because he gets severe jealousy issues. I have bipolar disorder and along with it comes a lot of hyper-sexuality and oxytocin-related urges for cuddling and new partners. The past two years have been a huge struggle. I don't think I'm capable of staying monogamous for another year, let alone a lifetime. But I cannot stand life with my husband when he gets jealous because frankly he goes between acting like an asshole and a kicked puppy. I feel like I'm stuck between a rock and a hard place and it will never get better. I really need some advice here.

My immediate thoughts are to work on your relationship with your husband before considering building secondary relationships. But I don't even begin to understand such a thing. It doesn't cause me feelings of considering it wrong though, I just don't get it. But I don't gett a lot of things.

The two of you got into this relationship with an understanding. That has changed for one party. To me that is a breakdown of the relationship. If he is unwilling to respect your original agreement he is not fullfilling his bargain. Obviously you have two choices; stay and be forced to live what may be a lie, or move on. You don't need permission from anyone to do the latter.

Outline your expectations to him and ask that he do the same for you. Is there an overlap at all? This may provide the answer to your dilemna.

By the way, I am wondering about the agreement you and he had in the first place. Did you speak about conditions?

[Thaine]

The problem is that he wants to fulfill what we previously discussed, he wants to be comfortable in a non-monogamous relationship. And I can tell he does try, but inevitably his emotions get the better of him and that isn't something either of us can really deal with. Its less a matter of him refusing to accommodate my needs, and more that he really is unable to accommodate my needs with his current mental state.

If I stay and live a lie, I will be miserable. If I leave and have to live without him, I will also be miserable. Its a lose lose situation. I feel like I'm trapped.

[Submax]

I don't know if it would help you guys,but I briefly saw a sex therapist at my wifes request for my sexual masochism. I only went three times and quit , but the therapist was skilled in poly relationships her site said. Maybe you guys could find one in your area that deals with that.

[Thaine]

That's not a bad idea, I hadn't thought about that. About how much does that cost? I doubt its something insurance would cover, lol.

[Submax]

Originally Posted by Thaine

That's not a bad idea, I hadn't thought about that. About how much does that cost? I doubt its something insurance would cover, lol.

Well,they didn't take insurance at the one I went through,but it was a sliding scale. I was paying $150 per session and that was the high end based on my salary. Funny thing about it was after I told the girl I wasn't coming back they offered to do it for free. Apparently getting beaten to the point I like is not something they see every day. I know the girl was working on her PHD so that may have had something to do with it. In any case I declined and I'm seeing the Dominatrix behind my wifes back again. Here's hoping your experience is better. Lol.

[Bill3]

Its less a matter of him refusing to accommodate my needs, and more that he really is unable to accommodate my needs with his current mental state.

To me, this situation calls for him to seek individual therapy. He wants to do X but finds that he is emotionally unable to do it. Perhaps he will become able to do X with the assistance of a regular therapist (not a sex therapist).

[Thaine]

Unfortunately, with our insurance he has been on a waitlist for 5 months to see a therapist.

[Patagonia]

Polyamorous & jealous does not go together. Does he wanto be poly or monogamous....although I have read about being mono- poly where the partners involved are fluid bonded.
Is he worried that you will get hurt again? That he will get hurt again? Or is there another feeling there.

[Thaine]

Patagonia, actually almost everybody in polyamorous relationship experiences jealousy, it is a natural human emotion and pretending it is a bad thing to feel is dangerous. What is important is how you deal with the jealousy.

Anyways, a lot of **** has happened in the few days since I posted this. One of my best friends who I've been in love with for four years came on to me. I had a three hour conversation with my husband about my needs and our options. He ended up deciding that he does not want to be monogamous, even if it is easier, and that he wants to start putting in the work so that we can open our relationship. He is scared, because it is a risk, but I guess he finally thinks it is worth it. Since then, we opened our relationship to a set of close friends and things have gone decently thus far. I'm just really hoping it stays this way and he keeps processing things positively.

[Patagonia]

I only know 2 people that are poly & what I see the most in them,compared to monogamous people, is their ability to be extremely open. Especially regarding jealousy. It's a huge emotion & can be deadly. Most don't like to discuss but, but I do understand their ability to take the emotion, pull it a part & exam it openly. I can see that as being key to a poly relationship & for me, trying to emulate that ability to talk so openly.
One has explained the feeling of compersion to me which I've been trying to understand & study more.
I'm sure you're scared too, but you know communication is key & keep going with it!!

[Thaine]

Communication has definitely been our focus and I really think we had a breakthrough with it.

I definitely get compersion, I feel it far more strongly than jealousy personally.