[moonkid]

hi,

i'm very sure about my orientation: aromantic and homosexual.
but i am still battling some issues and hope you can help me figure these things out.
i am very sexually attracted to guys, i fantasise about having sex with a guy, i watch gay porn. but at the same time i never try to get to know anyone or to have sex.
i'm not interested in dating or a relationship but i assume it would be easy to find someone to just have casual sex with.
but for me that's a line that i'm scared of crossing.
i don't know why.
it would be no problem for me to hook up with someone online or in a club and just have sex with them. i often fantasise about doing it.
in the end i never go that far and i don't know if it's because i'm shy or insecure or if i have underlying issues with my sexuality without realising.
or whatever other reason there might be.
it happens a lot that i imagine having sex with a guy and masturbate and it feels good.
but then afterwards i feel disgusted.
i don't know why.

can you help me figure this out?

[justxholdon]

I'm going to preface this with I don't know you and I honestly do not mean to offend but the only way I can think to reply to this is by offering some rhetoric questions to think about, if that's ok.

You use the words line and 'scared of crossing' - so the obvious question here is what are you scared of? If you can quantify that fear, you may open some doors that will help guide you to an answer.

Here's where it gets sensitive and by no means answer this here, ok?
What's your self-worth like? Do you see yourself as deserving of someone else's time - if only for a night? Are you afraid of being vulnerable to someone else? Are you afraid of showing your body to someone else? Are you afraid of not knowing what you're doing - of coming off as inexperienced?

There's dozens of reasons why you might freeze and retreat, but I hope this gave you some things to think about.

[moonkid]

you're not offending me at all.
thank you for your input!

i just had a kinda interesting reaction when i read your questions.
because i immediately thought "i'm not scared, just unsure" but at the same time i realised that i was tensing up.

intimacy does scare me, i guess?

being touched in an intimate way is already scary.
actual intercourse takes that to a complete new level.

[justxholdon]

You're quite welcome!

So my second batch of questions would be:

- Does it have to be so black and white?
- Would you be open to befriending a couple people you are attracted to - I'm not saying date or romance but find some kind of common ground to connect over to help both of you ease into the physical stuff?

Maybe don't focus on the end goal if it psychs you out. Perhaps start with smaller goals and build your way up. Like meet someone. Talk online. Eventually meet in person and reevaluate your comfort levels. Stuff like that?

[SgtRock]

My best advise would be to publicly meet someone and get to know/trust them a bit. Then if you connect, give sex a try. The trust goes a long way in enjoying the experience. And here's the biggie, safe sex only!

[Erebos]

As an Ace, I often fantasize about intimacy,getting close sex even. To complicate matters I am a sub. That's not really relevant except to let you know my fantasies can be extreme.
However I have no interest in sex as a function,as in the act itself. In fact these thoughts exists quite happily in my head and are often not something that interests me when the actual opportunity arises.

I put this down to my stimulation being about 90% mental and only 10% physical.
I understand you have a different issue
I am wondering if you have considered how much is the mental verses the physical.

It sounds very much like the natural apprehension of allowing another person to be there at your most exposed and in some sense vulnerable,coupled with some underlyingshame surrounding sex/sexuality,etc. Probably subconsciously drummed into you as a kid.
Can you pin point, what it is you feel ashamed or/dirty about?

I do hope someone can shed some light, apologies for wittering on.

[SgtRock]

moonkid, there is no reason to feel disgusted. none. Are there any LGBT centers near you? If so, you would be able to network. You could meet others. The centers aren't a place to hookup. They are places to meet people and you can also make friends and find some support. That's how I got support when I came out so many years ago.