Genetic Sexual Attraction and my long lost Sister

This situation is both confusing and upsetting. I just don't know how to proceed in regards to my sister "Jen"

I guess I should start at the beginning, which I have been told is a good place to start, go figure..

A quick background blurb abut me. I am the youngest out of 3 (counting me) siblings who i GREW up with on my mothers side. My sister and brother have a different father than I but we all lived with our mother and stepdad...

My Father left my Mom (or Mom left him) two years after I was born and we moved pretty far away so I did not have any type of relationship what so ever with my dad at all. When I got around the age of 10, I started asking questions about my dad (it was a crazy insane relationship between mom and dad, but I never knew till YEARS later how bad it was..Mom never told me and never said anything bad about him-she wanted me to make up my own mind about him...)
So mom tracked him down and they decided that in the summer I would go and meet him and stay with him for a few weeks. The summer came and I stayed with my father and his family (wife and HER two sons from an early relationship) while I was there dad told me about a son and a daughter he also has that he has lost track of, a son who is older than me by 3 years and a daughter who is 5 years younger than I. The daughter was from a quick relationship and the son was from a women he dated before he met my mom. The son lived somewhere in California and my sister lived in Michigan the last time he knew. He did not pay child support to any of his children except for me.

My step mom and I did not get along later in life and the last time I talked to my dad i was 13. 12-13 years later my sister tracks my father down and reconnects with his side of the the family. His sister(My Aunt Tammy) who I am still in contact with got in touch with us(mom and I) telling me that she wanted to meet me (we still have never meet my half brother to this day)
We started to chat with each other via Phone and IM and we instantly "clicked" and had so much in common. We were both part of the same type of extreme music scene had the same taste in movies and dressed alike (crusty punk scene) held the same political beliefs and we are both HARDLINE Atheist's.... so on and so on, just trying to fill each other in on our lives as fast as we could, I guess trying to make up for the years we were apart. She was happy to be a sister since she was raised as an only child and before she started to talk to me, she tried to find our other sibling to no avail....anyway...

We would stay up talking to each other for hours and laugh at each others stupid jokes and we seemed to understand what each other was thinking, we just really connected. when she found out that she got accepted to the State University I lived by (I am a 20 minute WALK from campus)
we were both very happy.

After she moved into town we started to hang out all the time, and became very close and affectionate to each other, even sleeping in the same bed when she stayed over. This went on for about a year, doing everything together, calling each other up when one of us had a bad day, we really relied on each others love and compassion, it was nice and it felt great. One night we were cuddling on the couch watching a movie while she had me "tickling" her back (lightly move one or two fingers around her mid/lower back, its NON-SEXUAL trust me...)
As we laid there talking, like we have done a million times before somehow, out of the blue, we were making out. I stopped and just froze. All of these feelings hit me at the same time, I was shaking because my body responded like it should be when you're kissing someone you're very attracted to for the first time, but I was also filled with such guilt and repulsion but something else was pulling me towards her. All I could think of was her, how I wanted to be with her in every way a human can be with another person.

I was horrified at how I felt. I just sat there speechless, and Jen just started opening up and told me about how she had feelings for me and how she has never connected like this with any other guy and never felt so intense about another person, it felt like she was going a million miles a minute. I felt the same way but I blocked it all out for so long that when it did bubble up to the surface it was too much for me to handle, facing the truth anyway and now her she was telling me the exact same way of how I feel...It was too much and I felt sick.
I couldn't tell her that I felt the same way, I was afraid that doing so would only make maters worse. The thing is I have been feeling like this towards her for awhile now, it's like this heavy dark force has come over me and all I could think of is her and the attraction is very intense but I refused to think about it like that, so I buried it to the point of self deception because I figured it was a one way feeling and that it is completely wrong to even feel this way.

Anyway after she poured her heart out to me, I felt that there is no way I should tell her the truth about my feelings and how I am going thru the exact same thing because doing this would have only made things worse and it would have given us both a validation and it very well could have crossed the line. It was bad enough how far we got when we were making out on the couch, doing things that I should not have allowed to go as far as it did.

I ended up leaving her place and walked home, feeling so many emotions wrapped up in a ball of confusion and guilt. I knew I had feelings for her, and I truly desired her in ways I have never felt before, but because of feelings this way I would be filled with guilt and shame.

I hid in my Apt for a few days afterwards with jen calling me and texting me and me feeling too guilty and shameful to answer. It got to the point that she had to come over just to get me to talk with her.
I told her that I was too confused and that we shouldn't hang out with each other anymore(When she came over and I saw her, I was filled with a weird excitement along with this intense desire to be intimate with her, I felt that it was better off that I kept those feelings to myself) or we would regret it and that what we are doing is wrong. She cried and i felt my heart break but I just could not trust myself. The desire and the attraction stronger than anything I have ever felt with before and I know that if this went on unchecked we would cross a line that we both could not come back from.

I ended up blocking her from social media while telling her that it's not her fault and that I will always love her, I don't want her to think she freaked me out and I am disgusted with her, tho this is how she feels because she does not understand why I felt the need to just cut her off.
I want her in my life but we both act like we are madly in love with each other, tho she does not know how I feel towards her (she prolly has some inkling because of what went down between us that night) and I do not want to act out these urges because this is what is bound to happen. I cannot explain how intense these feelings are, but trust me when I tell you that I am afraid of giving in, it feels like I am powerless. She is all I can think about and when ever we do talk, she tells me the same and the more she tells me, the more I feel like I need to be with her.
Anyway I told her I nneeded my space and she has granted me that but I had to block her from FB because she kept PM me trying to get me to talk to her before that...
It feels like I lost my best friend and I miss HER SO MUCH, but yet I am obsessed with her and have had sexual dreams which makes me feel even worse with shame...

I just don't know what I should do at this point. I dare not TELL ANYONE what I am going through but I also know that I cannot keep myself away from her much longer, I miss her deeply and I do crave her companionship so much I'm just afraid of things going too far..
Should I tell her I feel the same way and hope that we can talk thru it and come to an understanding? I don't want her to think she messed up or that I feel disgusted with her or that it's all her fault (things she has said to me before) amd that's why I cut her off. Should I be honest at least?

I know this is prolly going to make a few people disgusted and I understand that, but please try to keep those comments to yourself and try to understand and put yourself in my shoes..

I am very confused and I know she is suffering as well...am I being selfish?

I don't know what to do....

Curious to see how the community responds to this. I'm going through a similar situation with a half-sister. In our case we didn't break off the relationship -- we moved forward which has created its own set of challenges.

My own feeling is that counseling for this issue is kind of a crapshoot for the simple reason that clinical awareness of GSA is severely lacking. Medical studies are few and far between. Generally speaking, mental health professionals aren't trained to deal with this. Some will attempt to force the square peg into the round hole by applying a well-established standard of care for abusive incest to adult/mutual situations like yours and mine which are most definitely not the same thing.

I'm truly interested to see all the responses here. Good luck.

Hello Amebix: Thanks so much for sharing your story. I have to admit that reading it brought more than one tear to my eyes. I'll just mention, for reference, that I'm an older man who has struggled all of his life with gender identity disorder. This is not relevant except that having struggled with this my entire life has I think (or perhaps hope) given me a certain degree of compassion for people who struggle with other issues that are, how can I phrase it, "out of the mainstream", so to speak.

One of the things I thought about while I was reading your post was a program I watched recently on our local public television station. It was about twins who were raised apart & yet how much alike they end up being. I know you & your sister are not twins. But you share a fair amount of genetic material still & it sounds like the two of you just have perhaps a lot more in common than non-twin siblings typically do. This may be somewhat unique. But considering what is known about twins, I don't know as it's all that big a stretch to imagine that two non-twin siblings could conceivably share characteristics similarly. At least that is my sorry attempt at a quasi-scientific explanation for what you & your sister are experiencing.

You know... if you continue to read through relationships posts, here on PC, over time you'll come to realize how rare (& challenging) true love relationships are. Finding one's true "soul-mate" in this world is something special. And, from what you wrote, it sounds as though there is at least the possibility that you & Jen are "the real deal." Perhaps it's too soon to know that for certain. But the potential seems to be there. I personally don't see anything wrong with this. And I believe if you went back in history, you'd probably find lots of examples of siblings who loved one another & lived quietly together their entire lives... "under the radar", so to speak...

There are only two main problems with this to my way of thinking. One is the two of you, of course, can't have children of your own for genetic reasons, although there are certainly ways around this nowadays... adoption, sperm banks, etc. You also may not be able to be legally married due to restrictions written into marriage laws. (I'm not really sure about that one.)

The other problem... & the more convoluted one I suppose... is how the two of you feel about all of this. Can the two of you get past the feelings you perhaps have that somehow your relationship is "wrong" or "dirty". I know something about living with those kinds of feelings because it's the way I felt for many years about my gender identity struggles. But the fact is (at least I consider it to be a "fact") the feeling that somehow yours & Jen's potential relation is somehow "wrong" is just an opinion... a prejudice... based on artificial morals dreamt up by society & religion. There's no objective reality to any of it. It's simply a bunch of thoughts in peoples' minds.

Still social mores can have a powerful influence on people. There's no getting around it. So the question is, can you & Jen "unfetter" yourselves from these social mores enough to be together & not be so weighted down with guilt & shame that, over time, it corrodes your relationship. If the two of you can get past that, then perhaps you have a chance. But if, realistically, the weight of society's expectations is going to overwhelm either or both of you, then better to end this relationship now... hopefully in such a way that you can both move on feeling okay with it. And if that is to be the way it is going to be, then perhaps some counseling / therapy services of some sort or another could be helpful as a means of bringing your relationship to a successful conclusion. My personal opinion, for what it's worth, is that simply blocking Jen on Facebook is not the way to bring this to a conclusion.

I see this is your first post here on PC. So... to PsychCentral… from the Skeezyks! May the time you spend here be of benefit.

PsychCentral is a great place to get information as well as support for mental health issues. The more you post, & reply to other members’ posts, the more a part of the community you will become. Plus there are social groups you can join & chat rooms where you’ll be able to connect with other PC members in real time (once your first 5 posts have been reviewed & approved.) Lots of great stuff! So please keep posting!

Hello Archer: I see this is your first post here on PC too. So welcome to PsychCentral to you as well! I hope you find the time you spend here to be of benefit.

Hi Amebix,
I do understand I had feelings for my cousin he is a first cousin and he didn't have a clue or feel the same way,I know sister and brother is way different,some cultures condone cousins together but none sisters and brothers or half sister,half brother in your case.

I agree with Skeezyks you can't just block her on Facebook and end it without explaining to Jen.It's not air to her leaving her thinking the feelings are just on her part and like you say that you are disgusted.You have to at least tell her you feel the same but don't want to go there.

If you discuss this there will probably be an either or conclusion.You either both agree you don't want to go there and agree to limit your connection and contact each other less and find other partners,or you will ignore the societal norms and explore what is going on and take this into relationship mode without the guilt and shame,or with guilt and shame.

With guilt and shame you could end up destroying each,guilt and shame leads to self hatred and eventually you will hate her and blame her for that.And you will hate yourself and be consumed with all of the negativity of it all.Other possibilities you get the sex together out of your systems and it turns out to be just lust which burns out and you can then go back to being brother and sister,kind of a familiarity breeds contempt scenario but maybe in your case you can become friends and go back to being just half brother and sister.

I am afraid if you just block her and refuse to see her you will build a tension around this that will be unbearable for life and unresolved for the both of you .

So you have to follow this path and see where it takes you and her.I am sorry it is so hard and I have loved people that were a taboo in my culture,I took the coward's way out that you are thinking of taking,that way lies an equal amount of pain and regret as if you just go ahead and allow the feelings and intimacy,at least allowing it might help it to dissipate and fade to zero.

It is your decision I hoped I have helped a bit to make you come to a decision and see what the options are.
I wish you both well.Whatever the decision I think the guilt and shame are unnecessary,you can't help the way you feel and your body reacts,it is true that the genetic factor makes it much more intense,but don't fight what you can't control unless of course it is your choice 100% not to go there and you feel you can control that without either of you getting hurt.I wish you all the best with it.

To the original poster: If you do decide to re-engage this relative and resume the relationship, PM me and I can direct you to a couple of resources where you can find others in similar relationships. It helps tremendously to learn that you're not alone and that others have faced the same dilemma. Part of the reason why consanguine romance can be devastating is the fact that you can't realistically talk it over with a close friend or loved one. This kind of relationship puts us down at the level of pedophilia and bestiality in many people's eyes. They want to see us locked up rather than provide emotional support.

Regarding the poster above, I agree that you need to unblock your new relative and at least give them closure or an explanation. They are HURTING right now and at a minimum they need to know what's going on.

Thanks for responding and keeping a very open mind to this rather odd situation.
Yeah, I agree that blocking her on facebook was a total **** move and because I DO care about her with all of my heart and do not want hurt her anymore than i've already have, I've decided to text her and ask her if she would like to come over this friday and chill for the weekend so we can talk. I am completely free from Friday up until tuesday afternoon and I have a feeling this will be an emotional taxing ride and these few days I have free will be great if I need them to recover.

I am going to tell her EVERYTHING, why on earth did I ever think it was a good idea to pretty much make her feel like she's alone in this? From what I can gather with the little interaction we have had since that night. she is doing this alone and she feels like SHE is the one who ruined everything and that I am disgusted with her, which my actions (or lack there of) is making her think otherwise...and she has every right to think that.
The thing about giving in is this: Yes, the lust factor is at the max, but so is my emotional longing. It's like....when we are in each others arms with our faces buried into each others necks and our chest's are resting in with each others, I feel her heartbeat and it makes me feel like I just want her and her heart to be a complete part of me and vise versa. So its beyond lust. Also I have had my share of partners in the past (a number that I am not proud of, live in a collage town, was in a band, fit the "bad boy" mold etc etc) so it's not like I do not have experience in love/lust or sex. ANother thing is if what I feel is 100% real, that this closeness and this love that is borderline obsessive is genuine? Or what if it's just GSA syndrome(regardless, from what I've read it feels the same, if not WAY MORE stronger than just falling in love and it does not fade away over time) and I act out and give in, would that not be unhealthy? She is all I think about...
Regardless, first thinks first...I am going to tell her how I feel at least....she should not suffer because I am being a coward, she would never do this to me and I should respect that.

Thanks everyone! I will keep posting and give updates till EVERYTHING gets resolved...

which me(us?) luck!

I wish you the best of luck Amebix....just go where this takes you and don't worry!

It must be very hard when your love is considered taboo. You have my sympathies.

Your not alone, this is just another side effect of children scattered to winds. It's more normal than we would care to believe to be attracted to our own.
My heart breaks for your future. My late 30's hasn't left me any wiser to advise you here.
My situation stAnds that eventually we went our separate ways, we wanted families of our own.
But every now and then he still turns up in the middle of the night with that sheepish look upon his face.

Talk to her, don't lock each other out, just be careful.
If you want to PM me feel free, even if it's just for someone to hear you out.