[TranswithImposterSy]

I feel very feminine. I am drawn to physical femininity too. If I see the face of a normal guy, I would never want to look like that, even if he is handsome. When I see very feminine looking cis men who could pass as girls I feel envious of their physical femininity. Same with certain girls. I feel envious of their face and posture.
I have always had a strange feeling towards my penis. In my imagination it is never there. I just don't like it. I don't terribly hate it. I even masturbate. I just don't want it to be touched and I would want to cover it up in a relationship. I intensely hate facial and body hair, dislike my rather manly shoulders and my large masc feet. I wish I would have girly little feet and narrow fem shoulders. I love having a feminine voice and feel very pleased when I'm gendered female on the phone. I would rather want soft facial features than sharp facial features.
I recognise everything trans people experience. It all clicks when I read what other trans people mentally went through.
I feel a strong urge to feminize my body and face.
On days that I feel masculine I want to puke. I hate feeling like a man. On days that I feel girly I'm relaxed and comfortable.
I have no desire to be with a man as a man. Not out of disguest or something like that, it just doesn't feel like me when I imagine my male face and body having sex with a man's body. In my sexual imagination I always imagine myself as a woman with a man.
I feel a strong envy towards trans women, not towards trans men. I feel envious that she gets to look like she looks.
I hate everything masculine because it doesn't feel like me. I love feminine things. Everything feminine.
There is a voice in my head that tells me that maybe I should just live as a feminine gay cis man. When I try to think about that it doesn't feel right because I would be with a partner who expects me to be a man and who would treat me like a man. A gay relationship doesn't appeal to me because that would mean that I still have to be a man in the relationship. There is a very girly gay guy who looks so feminine that I envy his appearence. There is one thing that I don't envy and that is his facial hair. Facial hair makes me depressed and grosses me out. He looks like a girl with short hair and I want his soft features and his tiny feminine body.
I want to be with a partner who treats me like a girl. When I think about pushing a button and being reborn as a woman I don't think I would push that button. I would want the body of that woman but not be viewed by society as a woman. I wish I could have a female body and enjoy male privilege. My desire to have the body of a female is not driven by a sexual force. In fact, I don't relate to crossdressers at all. I'm not aroused by being a woman and I am not focussed on women clothes. It's more a feeling of a woman's body matching with how I feel inside.
When I think about being a woman in society I hate being treated by men as weaker, I would hate not having a big career and I hate never being able to have the status men have. In a perfectly equal world I would push the button to become a woman in every aspect but not in this world.
I had counseling for more than a year and didn't come home any wiser.
From doing my own research I feel a strong connection to trans women living non-op and to very feminine gender non-conforming men with a feminine body, face and mind with almost no male characteristics in their appearence. The desire to have a feminine body and face is very strong and unexplainable. Picturing myself with a very male body makes me extremely depressed and angsty.
Picturing a situation where society sees me as a cis woman feels wrong. Picturing a situation where I can live as a woman while being seen by society as a transitioning individual that is not strictly male or strictly female but more in the middle feels exactly right.
I have this voice in my head telling me that I'm just an effeminate gay men with internalized homophobia. It doesn't ring true though. I experience intense gender dysphoria, hate being seen as male and hate looking male. It also wouldn't feel right if a man saw me as a man. I just don't want to be seen as a man by my partner.
I wish that it was possible to find a balance between male and female. Female body, gender neutral presentation and social status.
I don't know what my future will look like or if I will ever have a partner. I have thought about living as a gender non conforming man and while that could work on the short term it would give me more dysphoria once I will start becoming more manly and age like a man. The route of a fully transitioned post-op trans woman doesn't appeal either. I want to be a person with a feminine body who is not strictly male or female. I just don't know how I can accomplish that.
The route of a non-op trans woman minus her binary gender expression sounds more or less right.
Sometimes I wonder if there are other people like me on the trans spectrum. Who deal with transgender feelings, sometimes think that they are just really gay despite knowing that a complete life in their birth gender doesn't feel right either and who don't want to restrict themselves to just male or female but want to live in the middle and have a body with equal amounts of sex characteristics of both male and female.
Am I really the only one?

[BrokeTech]

I think this is a great post. You touched on several things I have thought about from time to time.

When I think about pushing a button and being reborn as a woman I don't think I would push that button. I would want the body of that woman but not be viewed by society as a woman. I wish I could have a female body and enjoy male privilege.

When I think about being a woman in society I hate being treated by men as weaker, I would hate not having a big career and I hate never being able to have the status men have. In a perfectly equal world I would push the button to become a woman in every aspect but not in this world.

This is honestly the biggest question I have about why a man would go through with transitioning. I understand intellectually how trans MTF feel they really are and how they should have been born. I just don't understand...how they weigh pros and cons, so to speak, of transitioning and come to the conclusion that it would be better than how they're living prior to transitioning...and the way women are treated in the world is my top reason for not understanding, with how they are treated once it is known that they transitioned or are presenting as a woman but were born physically male being a close second. I suspect that just not fully knowing what bio/cis-women go through is part of it. Being from several underprivileged identity groups, I can't really understand "choosing" to not have a privilege after you've had it. I really thank you for bringing this up, because it's something that's hard to talk about without offending someone, i.e. I can't talk about it with a trans person.

I have never thought of myself as having gender dysphoria, and I'm definitely not trans, though I have questioned being genderqueer. But I really, really both do and don't relate to your post. I don't relate to it in the sense that I'm a female who is more so on the opposite side of what you're describing. I don't think I have ever liked being a woman. I am not into girly or feminine things. I am very attracted to femininity in other women, physically. But I don't understand why anyone would want the things you want and feel like you feel, in the sense that it's about femininity...I can understand it if you were talking about masculinity. So, it's similar, but flipped. I even look more feminine than masculine, though I could look masculine if I wanted to. But I have very definite feminine features, especially facially.

Being a member of a racial minority group, the thoughts you expressed about male privilege and the negative things about being a woman are thoughts I've had for myself when I've thought about preferring to be a man with regards to race. Basically, becoming a man of my race is what would keep me from pulling the trigger, if I wanted to transition or if I wanted to present as more masculine. If I could become a white man, it'd be different. I don't like to say what race I am on these forums, but basically...men in my race seem to have experiences in society that are opposite extremes, i.e. they seem to either be really liked/accepted and sometimes even idolized or really hated/feared/violently targeted (most men of my race experience both all throughout their lives, at least in the US) whereas the women seem to be treated with a lot more consistency, and that consistency is basically being ignored or spoken poorly of/treated poorly and of little worth, less worth than the average woman even. There can be hatred/violence experienced, but that seems to partially depend on the woman's choices and the hatred/violence mainly comes from within our own race and not society as a whole, ironically. So, it's like choosing the lesser of two bad situations, but, to me, this is one of the rare times being a woman is a little bit better overall...though it'd be nice to be liked/accepted sometimes on the kind of widescale basis the men of my race experience, especially when it comes to dating/relationships/marriage.

Anyway, have you ever looked into identifying as and/or living as genderqueer, androgynous or agendered? This other forum I used to participate on seemed to have a lot of users who were agendered and/or refused to identify in a traditional or binary sense, or in a transgender sense. I also read your post and thought that you might want to look into getting on hormones, which might help with becoming more physically feminine.

[-jimi-]

As a demiguy I relate somewhat. Although I come from the so called opposite gender.

I dislike that my body is so feminine. Why wasn't I born more androgynous? Sigh.

I think you are more female than I am male, you sound like you are transsexual or at least almost. If I could do my life over, I'd rather be born male. But as I have this body, even if it has parts I hate, it is still mine and I would never want to start cutting into it. If it has to happen, it is through magic, LOL.

I have realized I am not a man. I'm definitely not a woman. I guess I am a trans person and that is its own gender.

I'm OK with that thought. I know people see me as a girl and that is icky as hell, but what can I do? I'm not a full transsexual so I don't have options. I don't particularly feel like dressing a certain way either. Luckily I'm not interested in romance and sex so I don't have to deal with that part.