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Old Sep 28, 2017, 03:07 PM
PaintMarker PaintMarker is offline
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Member Since: Sep 2017
Location: Ohio
Posts: 5
New here, sorry if this is not the best place for this post.

Recently I was browsing the internet and came across a blog/ journal entry of a woman explaining how she came to the realization of her fetishes. In which she described memories of herself as a 5 year old child 'masturbating'.
Now, the reason I was even in this part of the internet was because I shared the fetishes and turn ons this woman was describing. And as I read I myself grew aroused at what she had written.
Everything was just about up my ally except for the fact this was all involving a child. And that's where I broke shortly after completing her blog post.
I felt very ashamed and felt as though I had violated a child when all I had done was read a collection of memories someone willingly shared for all to see.
Stranger still I have the urge to go back to the journal entry read it again and see if I still get aroused from it. As if to prove something to myself.
I know in my heart of hearts that I am not sexually attracted to children. I may have problems but that's not on the list.
I cannot shake the feeling that this is the beginning of a path I do not wish to walk.

Thanks.

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  #2  
Old Oct 07, 2017, 06:43 PM
PaintMarker PaintMarker is offline
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Member Since: Sep 2017
Location: Ohio
Posts: 5
Quick update.

It's been a month now since I first ran across the aforementioned story and my situation has changed little.

For months even before this I had numerous bouts of OCD/ panic attacks while browsing the internet for porn. Fearing constantly that what I had viewed was potentially illegal or contained an underage actor or something similar even though the persons all appeared to be adults.

After some recent research I found out apparently what I'm suffering from is POCD. Apparently people stress out about potentially being a pedophile / child molester.

And now with this most recent problem I'm in a seemingly endless cycle of reassurance and reasoning with myself that despite reading this woman's memories of herself developing her fetish as a child, that I still am not the sort of person who wants to abuse children.

And there doesn't really seem to be a way out. I can't unread what I've read. I can't undo what I've done or what I think I've done. It's like a part of me is unable to be reasoned with. I can't move on.

Perhaps this is my conscience telling me that enough is enough; that I need to break away from the endless hours of browsing for porn and do something else with my free time.

I need some help.
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