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#1
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New here, sorry if this is not the best place for this post.
Recently I was browsing the internet and came across a blog/ journal entry of a woman explaining how she came to the realization of her fetishes. In which she described memories of herself as a 5 year old child 'masturbating'. Now, the reason I was even in this part of the internet was because I shared the fetishes and turn ons this woman was describing. And as I read I myself grew aroused at what she had written. Everything was just about up my ally except for the fact this was all involving a child. And that's where I broke shortly after completing her blog post. I felt very ashamed and felt as though I had violated a child when all I had done was read a collection of memories someone willingly shared for all to see. Stranger still I have the urge to go back to the journal entry read it again and see if I still get aroused from it. As if to prove something to myself. I know in my heart of hearts that I am not sexually attracted to children. I may have problems but that's not on the list. ![]() I cannot shake the feeling that this is the beginning of a path I do not wish to walk. Thanks. |
#2
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Quick update.
It's been a month now since I first ran across the aforementioned story and my situation has changed little. For months even before this I had numerous bouts of OCD/ panic attacks while browsing the internet for porn. Fearing constantly that what I had viewed was potentially illegal or contained an underage actor or something similar even though the persons all appeared to be adults. After some recent research I found out apparently what I'm suffering from is POCD. Apparently people stress out about potentially being a pedophile / child molester. And now with this most recent problem I'm in a seemingly endless cycle of reassurance and reasoning with myself that despite reading this woman's memories of herself developing her fetish as a child, that I still am not the sort of person who wants to abuse children. And there doesn't really seem to be a way out. I can't unread what I've read. I can't undo what I've done or what I think I've done. It's like a part of me is unable to be reasoned with. I can't move on. Perhaps this is my conscience telling me that enough is enough; that I need to break away from the endless hours of browsing for porn and do something else with my free time. I need some help. |
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