[Patagonia]

I read an article from CNN this morning about what to do when you & your partner have mismatched libidos.
First issue I found is that they state a new statistic about it...yet I can't find the source of where this information came from.
When I read about "the latest study" I'd like to know EXACTLY who these people are.

This is a quote from the article,

"Sometimes, we have to make a conscious effort to be intimate with our partner. If we sit around and wait to be suddenly in the mood, it may never happen," sex therapist Rachel Needle explained. "Take a chance, even if you aren't in the mood. Chances are you'll enjoy yourself once you get started."
Sex therapist Michael A. Vigorito agrees. "It can help to schedule weekly sex," he said. "Knowing that sex will occur may help the low-desire partner to turn themselves on in preparation, like they probably did when they were dating. It may also help reduce the high-desire partner's anxiety about the next time they will have sex."

I feel this advice is once again, "fake till you make it," even if you don't feel like doing it....just do it. This is something my Mom would say!
I don't agree.
And I feel that scheduling a time could work, but could also lead to frustration...& even dread!
The vital key of communication is not really touched.

If you watch the video attached to the story Sunny Hoisin, one of the women on the panel, I feel makes an absolute *** of herself, by saying "if he wants to do it, you just do it" & then explains that there's others things in a marriage that you just have to do. Her facial expressions & body language is priceless if you really watch her.
And the video panel consisted of 4 women! Anyone else see a bias here?

I found NOTHING empowering for women in the article or interview. I feel bad for my own female species.

[Shazerac]

Holy crap on a cracker! I don't even want to know. I'll take your word for it.

My husband and I tried the just do it even if you don't feel like it. My body generated enough lubrication to make the act physically possible. My husband achieved an erection...sort of.

We both thought the whole experience was kind of gross, and ended up laughing about. We don't keep that in our arsenal.

[Patagonia]

It was deeply disappointing especially coming from CNN & then an all woman panel....again another smack to women in general!

[winter loneliness]

See, now I am more apt to agree with CNN.

I have no BF, but if I did, I would have sex with him everyday, even if I didn't feel like it. If it was something he wanted.

However, I would only do this with someone I cared for.

[Patagonia]

Originally Posted by winter loneliness

See, now I am more apt to agree with CNN.

I have no BF, but if I did, I would have sex with him everyday, even if I didn't feel like it. If it was something he wanted.

However, I would only do this with someone I cared for.

Why would you have sex with someone if you didn't want to? Unless this is the power dynamic that is already in place in the relationship.
Is it out of "obligation?"

[Shazerac]

I'm with Patagonia on this one. No way would I have sex if I didn't feel like it. And I certainly wouldn't want to have sex with a person who didn't feel like it either.

[Patagonia]

Funny I can talk the talk, but not walk the walk

[winter loneliness]

Not out of obligation, out of love. I have a high sex drive and If I loved someone, I can't imagine saying no.

Pretend I am a man. Can you imagine many men who don't feel like sex? Unless they were very mad or sad with partner. Same for me.

[Patagonia]

I know several men that don't have a high sex drive. Things change. It's the only thing constant in our lives.
Maybe it's an age thing.

[RubyRae]

For many years I had sex with my husband even if I didn't really want to.I felt it was my obligation to since we are married.And plus,women can even if they don't want to or aren't in the mood,it's not the same as men that have to have an erection,we can just use lots of lube.

But then one day I asked myself why do I do this?What am I getting out of this?It makes me feel used so why do I do it?It's not my obligation.I have been having sex since I was a toddler because it's what's been expected of me,this is my body and if I don't want to have sex then I don't have to.

I started saying no after that.I now only have sex when I want to,not when someone else wants me to.

[winter loneliness]

I respect that. I do not have sex when I don't want to. I am just commenting in response to the article. I think that both partners should discuss and compromise.

I use sex as a way to express my love for my partner. It is not the only way.

[LOVENOTSEX]

Originally Posted by winter loneliness

Not out of obligation, out of love. I have a high sex drive and If I loved someone, I can't imagine saying no.

Pretend I am a man. Can you imagine many men who don't feel like sex? Unless they were very mad or sad with partner. Same for me.

In my situation I never pushed my self on another woman. I masturbated and fantasized which may have made her uncomfortable. But I never forced myself on anyone

[LOVENOTSEX]

Originally Posted by winter loneliness

I respect that. I do not have sex when I don't want to. I am just commenting in response to the article. I think that both partners should discuss and compromise.

I use sex as a way to express my love for my partner. It is not the only way.

I couldn't agree more. Its the passion of climbing into one another psyche and finding level of communication between our body chemistry and accommodating the other to achieve satisfying your mate, There is a lot more to that like security, trust, and romance.

[emgreen]

I remember when my ex-wife & I were trying to get pregnant. We'd try to calculate the monthly cycle, take her temperature & all kinds of crap to make sure sperm would meet egg "real scientific like." Wow! Talk about unromantic! It often felt similar to a household task, like taking out the trash, or something!

[Shazerac]

Originally Posted by winter loneliness

Not out of obligation, out of love. I have a high sex drive and If I loved someone, I can't imagine saying no.

Pretend I am a man. Can you imagine many men who don't feel like sex? Unless they were very mad or sad with partner. Same for me.

Ok if out of love and you have a high libido guess that would work.....

That's not true for everyone or even most people.

[Patagonia]

Originally Posted by emgreen

I remember when my ex-wife & I were trying to get pregnant. We'd try to calculate the monthly cycle, take her temperature & all kinds of crap to make sure sperm would meet egg "real scientific like." Wow! Talk about unromantic! It often felt similar to a household task, like taking out the trash, or something!

Omg I remember that too when I took fertility drugs. My SO saying it felt like he had to "perform." Very unromantic indeed.

[Carmina]

Originally Posted by Patagonia

"It can help to schedule weekly sex," he said. "Knowing that sex will occur may help the low-desire partner to turn themselves on in preparation, like they probably did when they were dating. It may also help reduce the high-desire partner's anxiety about the next time they will have sex."

I can't think of much worse, how to take the joy out of sex in one go.

For me I just think people get too hung up on sex as some sort of thing separate from just relating to one another in many different ways, physical and emotional. We create these stupid artificial distinctions between foreplay and sex, as if sex is about the end point and not the process, and as if sex has to be one complete act rather than maybe lots of little things at different times depending on feeling. It makes it all about 'having sex' rather than sustaining the intimacy, mutual pleasure and joy in a relationship - no wonder there's so much guilt involved, it's all so compartmentalised.

[Patagonia]

I feel the article is angled towards couples that have been together for a significant amount of time.
I feel most relationships might?? start out hot & heavy.....& enter the then what stage. What happens when you're in the throws of life & sex is pushed to the sidelines.
"Take a chance, even if you're not in the mood," is angled towards putting pressure on the person that has the lower sex drive. This philosophy I feel, turns into an obligation. Sex can then be seen in a longer standing relationship as an obligation to keep the relationship going.
"Knowing that sex WILL occur may help the low desire partner to 'turn themselves on' in preparation..." is another obligation.

I do agree that it is not the only way to show love for a partner, but when it comes down to the nitty gritty my SO wants sex, even if I don't. Even when permission is given to find another, I'm still obligated to having sex for another persons satisfaction. I know that is certainly not how every long term relationship grows, but it's where I find myself.

[LOVENOTSEX]

[QUOTE=emgreen;5843590]I remember when my ex-wife & I were trying to get pregnant. We'd try to calculate the monthly cycle, take her temperature & all kinds of crap to make sure sperm would meet egg "real scientific like." Wow! Talk about unromantic! It often felt similar to a household task, like taking out the trash, or something! [/QU

IDK if taking out the trash is the best analogy or comparison but I get your drift. LOL