Help! Never had erection in company of a woman

Hi,
I am new to this forum, and will try to break this into easy to read paragraphs for you.

I really need help!

I find that I am now well past 40 and have never really been able to overcome the problem of never being able to have an erection while with a woman. I assume that this is sexual anxiety. At least, it what it seems to feel like.

Fortunately, by the grace of God - I am not a virgin.
How is this possible? - Around the age of 20 or 21, I met an older woman at a party. I was chatting to her and was getting on pretty well.

She ended up taking me to a bedroom in the party house. I was feeling anxious and my penis was cold and flacid (no erection). - However, she grabbed my penis and inserted it into her vagina.

She was laying on her back. While rubbing her legs across mine, and rocking her body back and forth, causing my penis to rock back and forth inside her, I gained an erection. Apparently (according to her) my performance was very good - I seemed able to last a long time

The trouble is, I have never really experienced an erection in the company of a woman since. It would seem that the only way to do it would be to repeat the type of sex I'd had before.
- I expect you can now see the problem. Can't exactly put on a condom prior to penetration, because I can't get hard before I put it inside.

I have already tried the following:
• Psychosexual counselling (helped me a lot, but didn't fix problem)
• EMDR (helped me a lot, but didn't fix problem)
• Spiritual Healing / Alt medicine (helped me a lot, but didn't fix problem)
• Cosmetic Surgery to 'try to' improve my facial appearance (an attempt to become more attractive to better looking women. No real change.)
• Jelqing / Penis Exercises, designed to increase penis size and improve hardness and sensitivity of penis (this actually works, but didn't fix problem)
• PC Exercises (or Kegels), designed to improve chance of gaining erection, and causes explosive ejaculations (this actually works, but didn't fix problem)

What I can do:
• Maintain an intelligent conversation with women, make them laugh, they seem like my personality
• I can get an erection in bed - and masturbate, ending with ejaculation
• I can masturbate to porn (but I have stopped using it since watching Philip Zimbardo TED Talk "The demise of guys". Look on blog 'yourbrainonporn')
• I am fit, exercise, and am in good physical shape. My penis is not small - in fact it's at the larger end of average.

What I am considering:
1. Seeking help from a 'Sex Surrogate'
2. Seeking help from an 'Escort / Prostitute'
3. Go travelling in a country where it's very easy to get laid, like Thailand or Philippines, etc.
4. Buying a Fleshlight STU (Stamina Training Unit) (a male vibrator)
5. Buying ebook by Will Freeman "How to ***** Women Properly" (revolutionarylifestyledesign com), because of the words "How to destroy sexual anxiety" on his product landing page.

I feel my situation is very depressing - I'm aware that the clock is ticking and I want to have a normal sexual life.

Any advice would be greatly appreciated.

Have you considered a prescription like Viagra or cialis? Just a little boost until you gain confidence?

Maybe watching porn while you have sex, unless that is an absolute no go for you.

Maybe getting your partner to talk dirty to you or start you off with her mouth to get you going.

And finally I am going to ask you, please don't take offense: are you attracted to women?

I don't know if any of this helps, but I wish you luck.

I am Hetro... no offence taken

I have never had a girlfriend, so there isn't anyone to talk dirty to.
However, I have pulled women on the dance floor, when I was younger and used to go out.

These one night encounters did not consist of penetrative sex. Just kissing, me going down on her, or fingering their vaginas to get them off.

I think at the time, my explanation for the lack of an erection, was that I was with a woman that I didn't find sexually attractive 'enough' to get me hard. -
- So, I just became obsessed with Cosmetic Surgery, thinking that this would solve the problem. I guess you could say I had body dysmorphia, and may still have it.

I am still saving up for even more surgery... but this time, my thoughts are more objective and realistic. I would never choose to have some of the surgical procedures I wanted when I was younger.

I have just watched a vid where a guy recommends a drug called Phenibut. It is supposed to melt away any depression or anxiety while you are on it. - This might do the trick.

Over 10 years ago, I got friendly with a girl but started to worry about my performance, so saw my GP. I asked about Viagra (or Cialis), but the GP didn't think this was a good idea, and recommended Psycho-sexual counselling instead. I think the GP also mentioned that PC exercises had proven to be at least as effective as Viagra etc. So... I've still never taken it.

At the moment, my game plan is "see a sex surrogate" which could be very expensive, and prepare for it first by using PC Exercises, Fleshlight training and - here's one I forgot about, L-Arganine, which is an amino acid that oxygenates the blood helping with erections (see the site: truelibido com).

So, I guess I still need to try Phenibut, L-Arganine and Viagra (or Cialis).

The trouble is, I can only know if I can 'do it' if I actually try getting hard in front of a woman - which comes back to Surrogate or Escort/Prostitute.

- I have no desire to form a relationship, and then get to the point where I ask her to bare with me as I'm having trouble getting hard. This would mean I'd probably end up asking her to allow me to enter her flacid (& presumably without a condom). Back to square 1!

With a Surrogate, failure to get hard wouldn't feel like failure, because in my mind I would just be training / having therapy. I would 'hopefully' keep doing it until it worked. A Prostitute may not have enough going on between her ears to be patient or understand the problem and what was required. With a Surrogate, it's her job as a therapist.

Thanks for replying - much appreciated

Hello Ethan: I'm sorry I cannot be of assistance with regard to your concerns. However I noticed this is your first post here on PC. So... welcome to PsychCentral! I hope you find the time you spend here to be of benefit. May I suggest you introduce yourself over on PC's New Member Introductions forum? Here's a link:

https://forums.psychcentral.com/new-...introductions/

There's a lot of support that can be available here on PC. The more you post, & reply to other members' posts, the more a part of the community you will become. Plus there are the chat rooms where you'll be able to interact with other PC members in real time (once your first 5 posts have been reviewed & approved.) So please keep posting!

Thanks Skeezyks,

I did try to reply to TheSadGirl above, but my post wasn't published. Shall I try and post it again - or is it still waiting in the production line?

What did psychosexual counseling involve?

I can see where you are coming from. Working on yourself confidence/body image issues definitely won't hurt. I've never heard of a sex surrogate, but that sounds like a really good option. Hopefully its not too expensive and you get to have some fun!

Why is it easier to get laid in the Philippines or Thailand?

In the most part, it just seemed like relationship counselling for the single man. The therapist seemed to want to explore my relationship with my parents, rather than really exploring school bullying.

I told her I had hadn't seem my family in years, nor did I want to. The idea is completely repellant to me.

One thing she did was ask me to complete a Genogram. It's basically a family tree, but you note down the various personal / psychological attributes of your family members and their relationships. I think the idea of this was to identify a pattern of behaviour that seemed to repeat through the generations.

Another technique was to write a letter to my parents, telling them what I thought of them. This wasn't meant to be actually posted - just an exercise.

Sidenote:
I recommend trying EMDR, it's one of the two most powerful things I've ever tried - incredible!

Also, try types of Applied Kinesiology.

@TheSadGirl - thanks

From what I can tell, the lines are more blurred between prostitution and regular sex. Or, prostitution is so completely normal over there, it comes across as a cultural norm.

Also, apparently the S.E.Asian girls really rate Western guys, and the Western guys really rate the S.E.Asian girls.
... for more info on this look at YouTubers: Angel-tour net, Bangkok 112, Dead Farang.

I haven't been over there, just researching.

I have recently been looking into Herbal remedies. Many of these boost testosterone and some also lower Cortisol and the female hormones. I have heard of things like 'erection tea'

Does anyone know any more about this?

As for dissolving Anxiety, cannabis oil consisting of a high % of CBD and low % of THC could really help.
- Apparently the THC just gets you really high and can actually undermine the positives of the CBD, which is the good stuff.

CBD has been reported to cure a vast number of completely different medical ailments, both physical and psychological. I suspect this is why so many American states have now legalised medical cannabis products.

I have a prescription for marijuana. Cbd oil does wonders for my anxiety and it doesn't get you high. I can function on it no problem.

I also take a THC oil for sleep. Cannabis is not for everyone, but its amazing for me.

How about trying something for your anxiety Xanax works well for me.

Does the CBD Oil also increase your libido?

I have often heard people talk about weed giving them the horn.

Thanks Mike.
My anxiety is not very acute. It is more like an 'under the radar' thing, that effects my sense of self, and most importantly - needing an erection when with a woman, and not having one.

Does Xanax help you get erections more easily?

There is something I forgot to mention in my last post which could be very important.

I don't think I have EVER had morning wood (morning erection)! – even when I was 17 etc, despite now being way past 40.
... is this a sign of psychological impotence (mind), or physical impotence (body)?

I found a blog post by therapist Mark Tyrrell on his 'UNK' site 'Treating psychological impotence':

"We know that during REM (Rapid Eye Movement) sleep, men without physiological impotence experience erections as they sleep and that ‘morning wood’ often occurs because the minutes before awakening tend to contain more REM-rich dream sleep than other parts of the sleep cycle."

If my morning impotence (and intimacy impotence, as I can't get hard in front of a woman) is at least in some part Physical, surely I should be seeing a Urologist (physical specialist)!?

... but if I saw a Urologist, what do they actually do to fix this type of problem?

I noticed that you mentioned spiritual healing. Have you considered prayer and are you a person of faith if I may ask?

My husband had a short bout of struggling with ED a year ago. He's in his forties. We tried Cialis and such, but it was expensive and I was worried about regular use of those. So he bought a bunch of herbal supplements and they have worked really well. No problems whatsoever either getting or sustaining an erection in the past year, even with drinking, which used to always be an issue for him. I think he takes L-arginine.

I have a faith, though I haven't tried conventional prayers for this.
I have witnessed extraordinary things that can only be described as the power of the unseen.

The only prayers I can think of that might work for this are 'pray rain' (Native American) or 'ho'oponopono' (Hawaiian). I will try both.

Both are definitely worth looking up!

Thanks for your suggestion

Thanks for replying.

You say he takes L-arginine. Was this the herbal suppl. or was that something else?

It helps me not worry about getting/keeping one, and when I worry about that it either doesn't happen or goes away.

I have seen a Surrogate Partner (new term for Sex Surrogate). It did wonders for me. I was too nervous and shy with women at the beginning. If you still refer back to your post here I can help with any questions.

And note, if you go this route you must also be seeing a therapist or other professional. If a surrogate sees you without one it is prostitution and illegal. And don't think it is an easy to to pay way for sex, because you will likely be screened out at the beginning. And an escort or similar would be MUCH cheaper.

The Sessions is a film about a disabled man’s decision to hire a sex surrogate.

Many thanks for posting.

Did your therapist have to be in the same room when you had sex with your surrogate?

Also, have you also used Escorts - and if so, were they helpful?