Sexual Problem

Ok. So I have a problem. I don't climax that easily with a man, most especially in the beginning of a relationship and especially with intercourse, and it's frustrating my new guy.

I could tell he was frustrated this morning, and it sucked. I have yet to climax whenever we have fooled around, which hasn't really been that many times yet -- maybe just a handful.

Today he said he has tried all his tricks, that I am a big challenge and that there's no breaking through the barrier. UGH!

I told him that it takes me a while to become comfortable sexually with someone and to open myself up in this way. I also reassured him that I am enjoying myself immensely, regardless. I think that helped somewhat, but I feel SO guilty and awful for having this problem!

It always takes me a while before I can allow myself to climax with someone new. I think it's a vulnerability thing?!? I think that I feel like if I allow myself to climax, then I have shared all of myself with someone, and that as a result, I will feel much closer to them emotionally and that much more vulnerable. I am not sure really, but I have an emotional block. He said he can tell that I am holding back or that I am a bit reserved. UGH. It left me feeling absolutely horrible this morning.

I am making myself vulnerable by even talking about this openly because it is SO deeply personal, but I need some support around this.

As an FYI: I will be going out of town on Sunday until Monday, so I will not be able to reply during that time if there are replies.

Thank you all in advance for being compassionate and gentle around this topic. It is a highly sensitive one for me.

I don't have a lot of advice, but I feel this is totally normal. The more pressure you put on yourself, the harder it will be. You can have a lot of fun without a climax, keep reminding him of that. The more comfortable you get with each other in bed, the easier it gets. Just have a lot of fun and try not to be upset.

I think it’s very common I had the same issues with someone new.

I think reassuring him and not being hard on yourself is the best approach.

Good for you to be open and talking about it , lots of people could not do this

Thank you both!! I will follow your suggestions!! It is easy to get down on myself about it. Yes, not easy to talk about, but it's gotta be addressed. I want to overcome this issue.

Hi Eve. Good on you for being so open. Yes, it's definitely normal. But something women don't really talk about amongst themselves. Wonder why?

If you didn't care about this man, you would probably find it easier to relax and be selfish. So, it's a compliment to him really.

Good luck.

Thanks, Purple! Maybe we don't talk about it because women feel ashamed of it? I know I feel ashamed and awful for having this problem. We should be more open about it. And some men don't know how to be good lovers either!!

I'll tell him just that! That's it's a compliment to him, in all reality. Never thought of it that way, but you're right. I DO care about him and like him very much.

No need to feel ashamed! It's just anatomy. The harder you try, the less... erm... happy you'll be.

Practical suggestion: spend a whole afternoon or even day in bed. Not doing anything much. Eating. Drinking. Laughing. Playing music. (Together, I mean ).

He might find that this is what constitutes being 'a good lover'.

Infinite patience!

That's great advice! We will I am sure someday do that.... maybe I'll suggest it!!! And yes, patience is needed here. I'll try not to feel ashamed. :/

I have the same challenge. I know why I am this way. I cannot get physical with someone before I get emotional connection and until I feel somewhat emotionally safe about him and the relationship.
Do you feel emotionally safe with him? More importantly, do you feel emotionally safe with the relationship and the state of the relationship? Please let me clarify, I am not asking if you are having a great time and having fun. That, i hope is the case. What I am asking is the emotional connection. May be it is different for you but i need to feel at least a little emotional connection and safety in order to get physical.
Please do not feel guilty. You do not have a problem. I would actually think that he needs to understand your situation. Besides, once it happens, it will continue to happen.
It might be a red flag if he is getting upset over this.

That's a good question! I am starting to open up more to him and to share more about myself with him, slowly. I don't feel emotionally close to him yet -- we got physical before closeness occurred. We've mainly been having fun together. But yeah, maybe I need the emotional part too.... something for me to think about. I don't think he got upset -- he was more frustrated.

TY!

Men are sometimes a bit ignorant about women’s ability to cum easily. Only small percentage of women climax during just intercourse. It doesn’t mean that there are no other methods. I don’t climax during intercourse but my husband is excellent at oral and hand job (but at oral he is the best), it never ever fails. So he does that first so I climax and he immediately proceed to intercourse. He feels satisfied seeing me climaxing and is ok with me not getting there during jntercourse. Maybe your guy can satisfy you before intercourse.

If you don't mind a guys point of view, it can be a real ego crusher. My wife and I enjoyed many years of s happy sexual life. Unless She was faking it, it was mutually enjoyable. Then came the change of life for her and she could no longer climax through intercourse. This made me feel like less of a man. Her libido also took a nose dive which didn't help my ego either. It took awhile for me to understand what had happened.
I was not ready to give up this part of our life so through talking and experimenting things got better again. It takes me longer to get her motor running and I please her in other ways, one bring orally. She will usually have multiple orgasms then procede to satisfy me any way she desires. It's just become s lot more work for me.

Women do fake it because of how frustrated men get if she doesn’t climax during the intercourse. Kind of sad

Thanks Divine!

Yes, some men are ignorant of this. And, yes, I believe I will try this (ie climax before intercourse). I can climax with intercourse, but really with this one position. Otherwise it's really hard, though I have before a few times without this position. Argh. It's frustrating. i am glad you and your hubbie have worked this out though.

TY for this!

I figured it would be an ego crusher, for sure. That is why it makes it so hard in addition to how I already feel about it. I don't want him to take it personally or feel like it's all his fault. Then again, he is a lot larger than most and it's a bit uncomfortable a lot of the time, so that adds to the challenge.

It's great that you and your wife worked this out -- albeit, even if it's a bit more work.

I've done this, I fully admit. More than once. I do it so that the guy feels like he's doing his job and doesn't suffer because of my problem.

Personally I think it’s probably much more upsetting for a guy to find out that woman lied the whole time. If you lie once, you’ll need to keep lying then. Ouch. Just my opinion of course.

Probably true. I haven't done this often.

I find that (for me) being on top is the best way to climax...it isn't what the man does/doesnt....we (women) find the way that works best....also oral sex wrks for me.

I've only climaxed on top once in my life. Argh. I agree though. It's the way that we can find which works best for us. I found one position at least that works for me... not every time, it depends, but much of the time.

I have this problem as well. Psych drugs make it very hard for me, even when masturbating.

Then with a partner I need to feel a strong level of trust. It is hard for me to be that intimate with just anyone.

Damn psych drugs. I hate that they can have this side effect. I am sorry you experience the same. I've been on meds for so long I don't remember if they make it worse for me or not. I've asked my P doc to give me meds without sexual side effects though. As far as I recall, I've always had trouble. Maybe I am pent up.... maybe it's an emotional problem. I really don't know. I, too, need to feel trust with a partner, emotionally. It's early on still in my relationship (six weeks). So hopefully this will improve in time. Otherwise, I may need to bring toys into the mix, lol.

Bring on the toys!

Boys and toys.

Tantra is your friend