I met someone recently, and I can't make sense of him

With regards to your parents, I'm sure they know you'll want to be in a relationship at some point in your life.. and are aware about your need for privacy, particularly in the beginning of a courtship. I get you live under their roof but that should hold no restrictions about who you hang out with. There's nothing wrong with staying overnight at a friend's house.

Are you unable to stay the night because of your parents? Are you worried if you do, they'll ask you a hundred questions? If so, it's a boundary you'll need to set with them. Parents will always worry about their kids, even their grown kids. They don't get to pry, though, when that kid is in their 30s. I question the relationship you have with them and if they're hindering your development.

As for this guy, no, you don't need to tell your parents you have a boyfriend in order to sleep over at his house. He's looking at this from a selfish standpoint. He's closeted but in order for him to have you stay, YOU must put yourself out of your comfort zone and disclose a part of you you're not ready for. I don't like the double standard, coming from a closeted 60+ year old.

I'm a 31 year old with mental health issues, however, and I've demonstrated some pretty severe impulsive behavior recently.

All of my therapists have said my development has been hindered by my continuing to live and depend on them. One more or less accused my father of having Munchhausen by Proxy syndrome.


The reason my current therapist is in favor of exploring my sexuality is because he feels it would give me some autonomy. I agree. I've at least 'felt' more adult since my experience with the first guy.

I am annoyed that he's pushing me to out myself. He lives by himself, in an isolated area with few neighbors, with his son--the only family member he still has any relationship with--living in Florida (we're in Illinois...). It's much easier for him to do this.

Are you able to give examples of this, just to understand you better?

I have a 20yr old son with special needs. In terms of maturity, he functions at a younger age, too.. maybe 14-16, depending on the day. So when you mentioned you're at a young teen's maturity level, I wondered if you had special needs, too. You don't text in that way, though.. and surely your guy would have questioned it, too. So it makes me wonder why you're stuck at that age. What happened to you when you were that age (did you say 12?)

Munchausen syndrome.. yes, I've geard of that, and definitely concerning. Something sounds off to me.

You say you suffer from depression and are impulsive. I'm not sure what other health issues you're referring to that prevents you from leading an independent life apart from your parents. Do you pay them rent? Are they benefiting from you staying there?

I totally agree!! There's nothing to be ashamed of. Maybe it's time you explore other parts of you, too.

He lives with his son but is closeted and wants you to spend the nights? Does his son know? I don't live in the states so I'm not sure how far that is from each other..?

The guy and I live in the Mid West. His son lives way down south in Florida. They don't live together. He's also described his son as 'a big homophobe', so obviously he can't know anything about this.

I forgot to mention that he said I could pretend to be his 'nephew or something' if any neighbors come snooping around if I were to live with him....I could tell my dad he is 'just some guy I met' whose renting me a room....


I don't want to get into what's been happening lately as far as my mental health in this thread. It's not good, though.


I've been diagnosed with major depression and social anxiety disorder. I was tested as being on the autism spectrum when I was 24 by a specialist, but not one therapist or psychiatrist I have seen in the 7 years since then has agreed with that diagnoses.


My former psychologist thought maybe my dad was coddling me out of his own fear of being alone. He and my mother, for as long as I've known them, have lived as roommates who don't particularly care for each other. He thought my dad needs me to think of me as being mentally ill in order to justify keeping me around.

Autism Spectrum disorder was my guess, too. The maturity level, anxiety, impulsivities, limited social circle and understanding, the depression which could stem from having ASD.. it's such a wide spectrum. It could very well be the case. I've known adults with this disorder that you wouldn't think had it.

Are you able to tap into ASD resources and Community Living supports? Are you receiving financial disability income? This may help you build independence while receiving support outside of the family.. build autonomy even more so, without your parent's influence.

I wouldn't have a problem being on the autism spectrum (although it's not like I would have a choice), but in my opinion the diagnoses never quite seemed to fit me. Part of this has to do with the fact that I went to school with an autistic kid when I was in my early teens. I don't have most of the traits he exhibited. The one that sticks out to me most was his habit of rambling to absolutely anyone about computers, which was his obsession. I don't know if he was 'high' functioning, 'low' functioning, or something in between.


I think I likely have a personality disorder of some kind. I've considered that I may have dependent or borderline personality disorder. BPD occurs mostly in women I believe, and involves a lot of sex and drug use. I've never used recreational drugs, and I've only had these few recent sexual experiences.


Based on my placement on the autism spectrum, I have worked with job placement programs for the disabled. I am currently working with an employment agency now.


I have been told I don't qualify for financial disability income, due to my ability to find and hold down jobs in the past (although not always for long periods of time).


One other kicker is that I've recently got a job at a grocery store located 10 minutes away from this guy. And he knows.

Why aren't you able to hold down jobs for very long? You may have a case to appeal for financial support. How long has your longest job been?

ASD is such a wide spectrum. I'm not sure I agree about BPD being mainly for women. I'm sure there's an overlap. Do people with personality disorders have trouble holding down jobs?

How ironic about your new job.. or was it planned to be closer to this guy?

I've had difficulty holding down a job due to both social anxiety and impulsivity. I walked out on my last two jobs.


The job I held the longest, almost 4 years at a clothing store, I left abruptly after shouting at an irritable customer. I had never done anything remotely like that before. I'd always been quiet and timid. That was 2 years ago. Ever since then my tolerance for rude strangers has completely evaporated. I've had a bad temper since I was a little kid, but it has gotten worse because now I have difficulty suppressing it in public.


Most of the time, I self harm as a way to express my rage towards other people.


I don't know much about personality disorders, but I would guess that they very well could make it difficult for a person to hold down a job, especially if they involve impulsivity.


I had an interview with the grocery store the very day that I first met the guy. It's an unfortunate coincidence that it is located in his town.


I didn't think I got the job at first, and I was relieved, because I didn't want to be stuck working someplace that put me within this guy's reach.


I did tell him about it, because I figured he'd see me there sooner or later anyway. If things are to end with this guy, I want it to be on good terms if we are going to be bumping into each other.

I was bullied a lot as a kid, from the time I was 8 until about 16. I think that might have arrested my development. I didn't grow up socializing with my 'peers'. I think it also has made me prejudiced against people my own age, therefore I'd rather be with an older man.

So, we met again, after his four week long vacation in Florida.

It was a bit of a disaster. We had all these things planned sexually that neither of us could quite accomplish. Out of my lack of experience, and some difficulty he has due to an enlarged prostate. I was there 5 hours, and we fumbled through one failed experiment after another.


I wasn't able to reach an orgasm. I wasn't able to with the first guy, either. I think I am too nervous to when I'm doing the real thing. Thankfully I got him to, which is all I wanted.


I know he felt inadequate because he couldn't do the same for me, but I truly didn't care at all whether I came or not. It was worth it to make him cum.

I've come to the conclusion that this guy doesn't mean to do me any harm. As I had thought, he's extremely lonely, and I think that has clouded his judgement.


He wanted to know if I would want to do yard work for him, or to help him in his auto shop in his barn, just to have someone around. He's been considering different ways I could explain to my parents how I met him, and what my relationship with him is. They are all pretty silly ideas.


He admitted to me that he is a little older than he let on. I didn't ask about his age. He freely admitted it.


He also agreed, although begrudgingly, to use a condom. He was very much looking forward to doing without one, as he is under the impression that I am a virgin, and would therefore be no risk. It ended up not mattering anyhow.

So anyway, those are two more points in his favor.

He hasn't emailed or messaged me since I left his house. I hope for his sake he comes to his senses and realizes I am not right for him.


I like him. I think he's hot and sexy. I empathize with him. Theoretically, it would be nice to have some sort of friendship with him. I'm not mature enough to be in any kind relationship with him, though. I've got to leave this guy alone.

I'm sorry things didn't go according to plan. It does sound like he's just lonely. It's good that you know your life isn't at risk.

I'm not sure about one thing. If you are interested in a friendship and to maintain a sexual relationship, isn't that a relationship? I get if you're wanting "friends with benefits" but I'm wondering if you're depriving yourself. Maybe you're "too immature" right now. But maturity grows with experience. One day your parents are not going to be around. What are you going to do then?

Is he older than your parents?

Is it possible to just enjoy each other's company and figure out this sexual piece together, without any expectations?

If you're not afraid of him and you're attracted to him, can you not do the work around his farm and earn some money?

I'm inclined to think you could both benefit from each other, pending that he not force a living arrangement or a serious commitment, at this time. Take it easy and set these boundaries with him. Take that job near his place and get to know him as a friend.. again, if he'll respect your boundaries and is willing to go slow for you.

This isn't just about his needs. Maybe something beautiful will come of this if you're both mindful of each other.

I also want to add..

Make a decision about him and stick to it. I would really hate for him to be led on by you if your intentions don't jive with his. I know you've been clear with him but I'm wondering if you're giving him false hopes, too.

I think it's worthy to have another conversation with him about all this, and decide together whether or not to proceed. Yes or no and under what specific guidelines?

He's younger than both my parents.


My mind is going around and around in circles over this guy, and I realize I've been repeating myself a lot, and will continue to.


A friends with benefits type of relationship might interest me.



We've had countless conversations about what exactly he is expecting from all this, and what kind of relationship I am comfortable with. Every time it seems we have come to an agreement, he starts talking about traveling and vacations again.


I'm not willing to lose my therapist over him, though. I already violated our agreement big time by going to his home again. That is ground for terminating me.


I think this guy would be much better off with someone more well-adjusted and independent than I am, anyway Someone who isn't living with and still has to answer to their parents at age 31. Who is free to travel and vacation with him, or at least sleep over at his house.


A young man who will wear makeup and stockings and panties and perfume for him, which is his 'thing'. He needs to see men feminized in order not to feel some lingering guilt over sleeping with another man (he grew up in a very Catholic household). I don't judge him for that, and I understand the logic.


He shaved off all my pubic hair, a process that was a big turn on for him, but has left me feeling completely neutered and asexual. I have a bit of an attachment to my body hair.


Our tastes couldn't be any more different. I like hairy, bearded, masculine men, or good looking older gentlemen (he's essentially both). He's into young men who are effeminate and prepubescent-looking (I somewhat fit that description). It would seem we are close to a perfect fit.


He's into all kinds of kinky things. I'm strictly into 'the basics'. Bells and whistles turn me off. All I want is to simply admire a man's natural beauty.


So, we're not exactly sexually compatible.


Anyway, what this all comes down to is that he could find someone much better suited and more available to him, and I don't want to lose a therapist.

Ok. It sounds like you've come to a decision. Are you going to tell him it's over?

Here's the latest on that guy.

It's officially over.

I saw him on the very night of my last post. We were supposed to meet again tonight.


I was let go from my job on Friday. They cited 'performance concerns', and bad feedback from previous employers--although they told me I had successfully passed a background check 5 weeks ago when I was hired. It so happens that my 'representative' from an employment agency for the disabled asked my manager in person if I could take a leave of absence for this stupid ******* therapy program my therapist and psychiatrist have pressed me into going through. Two hours later, I got the call that I was being terminated.


This request happened to coincide with the end of my 'probation period' (the first three weeks in which they decide whether to officially employ you or not).

So anyway, I tell this gentleman not to expect to see me there any longer.

Last night, he asks me if I would consider making porn for money. He says 'some kid' he knew was paid $1,000 to masturbate on camera by 'some rich guy' in California. $5,000 to have sex with someone else on camera. This 'kid' was someone who supposedly worked on his property doing something or other. He claims the most he was involved in all this was dropping the kid off at the airport.


He says the kid was driven around in a limo, taken to 5 star restaurants, slept in the 'rich guy's' mansion, blah blah.


I ask what makes me worth $1,000 dollars. Is it because I'm underage looking?


He says yes.

I ask if they have a website. He says they don't. They're 'probably just some sleezy (sic) company'.


It's all 'Just some' this. 'Just some' that....

Here is another odd little moment.


I tell 'Jeffrey' that I'll think about it (he introduced himself as Jeff, and I'm not really considering it at all. I know it's over by this point).

He asks me to 'plz' not call him that (he seems to be deliberately making himself sound dumber).


He asks me how I know his name (I know the guy as Jeff....Jeff, Jeffrey....).

He asks if I've been 'checking up on him'. I must have been to know that he might be known as Jeffrey...

I sent him a goodbye e-mail today. It was short and non accusatory. It was essentially 'it's me, not you' in nature.


I have dirt on him. I don't want him to come after me. So, I thought it best to make it seem as if I were the problem.

I've re-blocked him on my phone, deleted the e-mail address he had.

I wonder if he was in California the four weeks he was supposedly in Florida visiting his son. It happens he is supposed to be returning in a week.

Did you give this "rep" permission to speak with your manager? If not, that's in breach of confidentiality. Where I live, they can't just do something like that without permission.

Also, if your employer knows about your disability, it's illegal for them to fire you if your disability affects your job performance. I believe they're required to train you in an area you'll be successful in. It sounds like you were discriminated against.

Hm, not surprised unless you're making all this up. How coincidental he happened to already have a "kid" working around his farm, doing the exact thing he was wanting you to. Maybe that was the hook. I bet this guy would get a % of it, too. Not so lonely, afterall.. seemingly.

I didn't understand the story about "Jeff".. ?

I have no reason to make anything up about this guy.

I considered that he may have completely made up this pornographer he spoke of. For what reason, I can't imagine. So much about this guy makes little sense.


Either he made all this up, or he knew far more about this pornographer and his dealings than he was letting on.


In any case, the story he gave me was pretty stupid. This guy must be extremely naive himself to believe anyone would buy that, or he thinks that I'm a complete idiot.

I was also considering that the entire reason he pursued me was to recruit me for this underground pornographer.

Jeff is the name of the gentlemen I've been speaking of. He was rattled by the fact that I called him 'Jeffrey'.


He assumed that I would have had to have done a background search on him to guessed that he might be known as Jeffrey (Jeff being short for Jeffrey). What was he afraid I had found out?


As far as having had other young men around to have sex with, I wouldn't be surprised.


This guy claimed he hadn't had sex in 5 years. I found it very hard to believe someone as hyper sexual as him would let himself go that long without sex. This guy has an encyclopedic knowledge of everything having to do with sex. He spoke like an anatomist.


He certainly didn't act like someone who'd been without sex for that long either, and had some kid he was supposedly extremely horny for coming to his house that first night with him. He was completely non-nonchalant about it all, and even rude.

________________________________________


My employers were not aware of the fact that I am considered to be disabled. I wasn't employed by them through the agency.


They must be aware now that I am, but they weren't at the time they hired me.


I was pressured to ask for a medical leave by the two agents I'm working with. They insisted that I must take a leave to focus all of my attention on this lousy program.


On the morning the rep was to speak to management, I asked her to instead request a leave of absence--not demand one, or resign on my behalf if they refused. I said if the management weren't keen on the idea to allow me to continue to work.


She again reiterated that all my time and attention must be devoted to my health...


I was initially told by her that they would allow me to reapply for a position when I was available again, but that it wasn't guaranteed that I would be rehired. I might not even be interviewed for the same position.



I called the manger and explained that I didn't want to resign, and that I would like to continue to work. She said she would speak to the produce manger about it (I was a produce cleark).


Two hours later, I got the call from the store director that they decided to completely axe me.

I'm sorry to hear about your job. I think it's probably a good idea that you're not working in the same area as this guy, anyway. So maybe it was a good thing it didn't work out?

I'd bet my money on it. There was always a hint of something in the gut.. gotta listen to your instincts.

The Jeff/Jeffrey sounds off, too.

I HOPE you've concluded now and will not be bothered with him again. Chalk it up as a story you lived through and survived from.. and hopefully learned from, too. No more Craigslist!

Are you going to take that course you're expected to take? Do you even have a choice?

I would never go running back to him now that I've said goodbye. I was sort of looking for an excuse to get rid of the guy. He handed me a pretty good one. I wasn't right for him if he genuinely wanted a lover, and I certainly didn't want to fall for a predator.

I am expected to take the course, but it turns I do have a choice. However, my therapist and my psychiatrist might drop me for being non compliant if I didn't go.

I thought I had no choice in the matter at all. It's an 'outpatient' program. You are essentially going to one therapy group after another for 3-6 hours, the same as if you were in hospitalized in a psychiatric ward. I thought whether I was there or not would be entirely in the hands of the organization, the same as if I had been hospitalized inpatient.

Well, it sounds like you really value your therapist and if he strongly feels this will be helpful for you, embrace it with an open mind. Whatever is going on in your life is not working out. I'm not sure what that is, as you haven't disclosed that piece, but I do believe things happen for a reason. Such an irritating "cliche", I know.

Stay strong and keep your focus. I'm glad this guy is out of your head now.

I did something reckless, and this program is essentially a penalty. It's more or less a kind of school that teaches dialectical behavioral therapy through playing kindergarten children's games.


I will never forget that guy, and I'm comfortable with that. He is a mystery. I think that is partly what attracted me to him.

Interesting! My partner is working through the DBT workbook. Do you mind explaining what the theory is behind the "children's games"? Or maybe provide a link?

As for this guy, ya, it definitely got my attention.. although your story originally creeped me out which is why I wanted to say my 2cents worth about it LOL

I think they believe that teaching DBT techniques through silly games makes the experience of being in this kind of program less intimidating or 'boring'. I would rather be bored than be made to play these stupid games.


An example of one game we played involved getting into groups, and stacking Styrofoam cups into pyramids by grabbing onto them using rubber bands.

I can't explain it properly, but it was all 'metaphorical' for something or other.



It's the Linden Oaks program. They are located in both Naperville and Mokena Illinois. I can't find any websites that describe the program in any detail.


Thank you for all your input as far this Jeffrey gentleman. I will probably never know what to make of him, and what he really wanted and why. I am currently of the opinion that he made the pornographer up. Again, I can't come up with a satisfactory idea of why. It's the kind of thing a compulsive liar would come up with for no apparent reason.

Ah, ok. Sounds like team building or something. Thanks, anyway.

And you're welcome. It was interesting talking with you about all this. I don't doubt pornography was in his plan all along.. but at this point, it doesn't really matter.

Keep safe and stay out of trouble!

...He says he's worried about me.

He managed to message me somehow last night though the 'Messages' application on my Mac. I thought if someone was blocked on your iPhone, they were blocked on messages as well.


A chill ran down my spine when I read it, and I made sure all my doors were locked.

Unfortunately not. I think it depends on the service provider. I once had a provider that allowed me to block a caller but not their text messages. My current plan allows me to do both. By default, you can block someone but still send outgoing texts to them.

I can understand why he's "worried" about you. One, you recently lost that job, and two, he presented you with an unfavorable idea and is now concerned over your silence?

Did you respond back? I wouldn't if you're really wanting to cut him out. It's possible he's after you over his own sexual and financial gains.. and perhaps he's wanting to sexually "train" you for the "job".. pure speculation, of course.