[Gfofaddict]

I discovered my bf has been making photoshop porn of 2 of his female friends without their knowledge for over 15 years.

I am torn as to whether I let them know they are being used and violated this way. I feel if I keep silent I am allowing an abuser to continue on with his activity and I’m protecting his secrets, typical sex abuser methodology.He won’t stop at my request, I’ve tried.

He obviously spends lots of time on the images as they look so realistic and it just feels so creepy and wrong to me. Feels almost like he’s a peeping Tom, secretly viewing these women naked etc

I’m not friends with the gals and they don’t “like” me so it’s not like I could have a friendly chat with them about this so would have to figure that part out. but I just feel they should have the right to know what he’s doing with their images, getting aroused and satisfying himself to them. If they’re ok with it then fine it won’t matter to them, but if they’re not then they can decide if they’re comfortable with it or not and if they’re comfortable with their relationship . Right now they’re just going along totally Innocent with no idea how he’s looking at them when they’re together etc

I thought he had stopped doing this five years ago after I discovered it but recently found out it never stopped and he’s still actively spending hours upon hours in this “activity”

All thoughts and views welcome . I’m just torn as to whether I stay silent and let him perpetuate this secret violation or I let them know so they can decide what to do.
Thanks

[Yaowen]

That sounds like a very thorny problem. I wish I had a solution. Perhaps it might help to seek advice from a professional psychotherapist before embarking on any course of action. What do you think?

[Purple,Violet,Blue]

It's wrong in so many ways...

I'm trying to stay neutral, and helpful, but...

Why are you with this man? He does this in front of you? How horrible.

This is not about having a fetish, or being narrow or broad-minded. It's not about how good or bad your sex life is (in case he gives that as an excuse). Nor is it something he needs to do in order to express some essential part of himself.

It's creepy and victimising. He's forcing those girls to take off their clothes. He's making them do doing things they'd never in a million years want to do with him.

I've been stalked, several times, and honestly this is what it's like.

How do i deal with stalkers now? I publicly embarrass them. Shout at them. Ask them what they're staring at. They love getting one over on the woman they're following, in my experience. But that drains away pretty quickly if everyone on the train or in a cafe is staring at them.

That guy must be a real creep, everyone thinks, to have made her react like that.

Stalker shrivels up and scurries away and does not bother me again.

Sorry for the rant.

As you might guess, I'm unfortunately experienced in how men like that operate.

I strongly advise you to find some way to publicly humiliate this man, who has refused repeated requests for him to stop.

If you aren't able to do it for your own pride, do it for the girls.

[Skeezyks]

Well... honestly I can't suggest to you what you should do regarding this situation. I think one question here would be why are you in a relationship with a man who has been doing something like this for 15 years? You apparently knew about this 5 years ago. You thought he had stopped. But at that point he had already been doing it for 10 years. Now it's been another 5 years, you learn he's still doing it & yet he's still your boyfriend?

Another consideration it seems to me is, based on what you wrote, it sounds as though you believe he's just doing this for his own amusement. But is there a possibility he's sharing this stuff with others... or even selling it? I would suspect, given what you've shared here, there may be a likelihood he is. I don't know if doing something like that could be considered criminal. But it's certainly not something I would think you would want to continue to be associated with even if it's just by virtue of your relationship with this man.

As far as you telling the women he's doing this to about what he's doing, assuming they don't know what's been happening (which I would suspect is a strong likelihood), if you tell them they are in all probability going to retaliate in whatever way possible against your bf. And I would presume he's going to be able to figure out where the women learned of his practice. I obviously don't know what type of temper your bf has. But I would think one thing you need to take into consideration here is your own safety.

If you're comfortable with the potential consequences of letting these women know what's been going on, my personal opinion would be that letting them know could be a compassionate thing to do. I don't know if I would do so in person. Perhaps an anonymous letter to each woman would be one way to go? (Of course even done so anonymously it's likely everyone involved will know what the source was.) You could, of course, send a text or an e-mail. Presumably they're going to know those came from you which I guess is fine if you're comfortable with the potential "blow-back". But I do think you need to be careful here. You're potentially sticking your head into a hornets' nest, so to speak, regardless of whether or not these women know what's been going on. If you should decide this is something you want to do, you need to go into it with your eyes open & be prepared for the fallout. At least these are my thoughts with regard to your post. My best wishes to you.

[Gfofaddict]

To respond to the replies above;
First I haven’t been with him for 15 years, when I discovered it I found photo date stamps from what is now 15 years, 2005-2006.

And no he doesn’t do this in front of me, i found out unintentionally

And no he does not distribute or upload this content. I’m a trained federal criminal investigator so I know how to check that.

I’m not going to publicly shame him that’s not my style. This is about protecting the women and giving them information so they are informed and can make decisions for themselves as to what they feel comfortable with as far as their relationship with him going forward.

So with that said if we can get off the “ why am I with him” train of thought it would be helpful as that is not what I’m dealing with at the moment.
So Back to my original question - the one thought I have is if you knew someone was peeping into someone’s windows it seems no one would hesitate to tell the woman about it. this seems a lot Like that as it is non consensual sexual activity but we all (including me) seem to have problems with the disclosure and problems coming back on me for doing so. I just think that is interesting and something to ponder.

[Gfofaddict]

Oh and Purple Violet Blue - I don’t think in this situation his actions Could be construed as stalking under any type of definition that I know of.
To me it is more of a form of sexual abuse. These two women and him are very close friends , theres no outward harassment, unwanted communication, contact etc. hope that clarifies it some

[Purple,Violet,Blue]

Yep. It sounds like you've never been stalked.

Sometimes, that matters.

If you don't understand why people like myself are having a strong reaction to your post, the wise thing to do would be to listen.

I wish I could go back to not having been stalked, but I don't have that choice. I'll always be sensitised to men who decide they'll get a kick out of sexualising me against my will. A close friend some years ago had a similar experience, and I promise you that she was never the same again.

Bear in mind, your boyfriend is about to turn these girls into women like me.

Perhaps the worst thing is that - to the rest of the world - NOTHING is happening. It seems like no big deal (at first, anyway). The instigator knows this, of course. One was openly smug about it. They know they can retreat behind, But I was just... I was only...

My stalkers would have been delighted with the way you're downplaying it.

These women have been sexualised without their permission.

BTW being a Peeping Tom is also NOT OK.

[Gfofaddict]

I am sorry you are taking my response as I’m downplaying it, I’m not. And I have been violated when my ex distributed sexual images of me without my consent on porn sites.
I am not downplaying being stalked or sexually violated, exploited or abused. I was merely addressing the term and definition of your use and the meaning of the word stalked. What this guy is doing to these women is abusive, etc etc but it is not “ stalking”, that was my point.

[Gfofaddict]

I also am Not saying YOU weren’t stalked, I have no idea of the facts of your situation

[Gfofaddict]

This is the legal definition I am referring to, and what he is doing in this case does not meet any of that criteria. As a matter of fact without distribution he is not violating any laws currently on the books in any state in The US or in other countries.

At tHis point in time it is a moral violation for sure and does cause great mental and emotional harm, all I am saying is it is not currently a violation of any civil or criminal laws that could be prosecuted.

“The crime of stalking can be simply described as the unwanted pursuit of another person. Examples of this type of behavior includes following a person, appearing at a person's home or place of business, making harassing phone calls, leaving written messages or objects, or vandalizing a person's property.”

[sarahsweets]

I think its terrible and by you not saying or doing anything you are complicit.

[Gfofaddict]

That’s the internal
Feeling I have. But on the other hand since this isn’t a crime (yet) there would be no way to substantiate my claims for instance they couldn’t seize his computer for proof etc and he would obviously deny everything to them. Because if that I’m not sure if I would just be opening a whole huge problem and drama for many people. These gals do not like me so I am certain they would think I was just trying to get them away from him. The silly thing is we are in our 50’s and 60’s. But trust me the jr high drama still can exist!

Originally Posted by Gfofaddict

But on the other hand since this isn’t a crime (yet) there would be no way to substantiate my claims for instance they couldn’t seize his computer for proof etc and he would obviously deny everything to them.

The law isn't your only option. You must've seen the photos if you know of their existence, so I'd assume you'd be able to get access to them again. Collect evidence of them yourself and show them to these women. Keep records to use as leverage in case he tries to retaliate.

Or take a more hands off approach and simply refer him to a decent therapist.

[~Christina]

Well you walked yourself into a corner .. you have no intention of leaving but if you tell them they are going to go off on you and your bf, will your relationship survive?

Personally I think they deserve to know .... wouldn’t you want to know if someone was doing that to you ?

[Gfofaddict]

Originally Posted by ~Christina

Well you walked yourself into a corner .. you have no intention of leaving but if you tell them they are going to go off on you and your bf, will your relationship survive?

Personally I think they deserve to know .... wouldn’t you want to know if someone was doing that to you ?

Thanks for your response. But I never mentioned what I’m doing with the relationship since that’s not the issue I’m dealing with here in this post 🙂 whether we survive or not isn’t the issue for me right now. But thanks for your concern

[Gfofaddict]

Originally Posted by theoretical

The law isn't your only option. You must've seen the photos if you know of their existence, so I'd assume you'd be able to get access to them again. Collect evidence of them yourself and show them to these women. Keep records to use as leverage in case he tries to retaliate.

Or take a more hands off approach and simply refer him to a decent therapist.

Thanks for your response. But no I actually don’t have access at this point. I do have some
If the photos I saved when I first found out and confronted him. I’m afraid if its me who tells these women they will just accuse me of something like making them up myself to where them to be mad at him, not be friends with him. Etc etc. girl stuff 🙄.
And I have asked him to go to therapy to no Avail. If I were to decide to tell them it would be anonymous and done in a way neither he nor them could figure out or came from me

[Job 30 26]

gfofaddict,
Instead of trying to publicly shame him... confront him, and if it goes nowhere, (instead of publicly shaming him) help him find therapy, preferably a male who will understand male stuff.

Also, calling him an addict, I'm perplexed why you would label him such. There might be underlying issues such as hypersexuality, and defining that is thorny as well.

Confront him, then maybe follow up with therapy. Try the nice way before you go guns-a-blazing.

[Purple,Violet,Blue]

I can see that yours is a sensible suggestion, Job. And I'm glad that cooler heads than mine are getting involved in the discussion.

It depends whether you want to be nice, or do something that works.

I wish I was there. I would stop him, honestly I would.

I'm on the victim's side, seeing as they've done absolutely nothing to deserve this...

Gfo, you don't know what the after-effects will be. I presume these women are younger, as you call them gals? This sort of thing can really freak a person out. I should think it will be cold comfort to know that you're 'fairly sure' the images haven't been shared.

It seems unlikely that a man who's put so much work into these images wouldn't be tempted to let another man take a peek. You've no idea what he's been texting, emailing or sharing in group chats. Just one person, one, has to take a screenshot of the image on their phone, and it could be all over the Internet. They might spend the rest of their lives trying to track these images down.

I realise I sound a bit hysterical, the way I keep going on about this. But it's because I've lived through it and can give some idea of not just what is happening right now, but how things might pan out long term.

[Gfofaddict]

Originally Posted by Job 30 26

gfofaddict,
Instead of trying to publicly shame him... confront him, and if it goes nowhere, (instead of publicly shaming him) help him find therapy, preferably a male who will understand male stuff.

Also, calling him an addict, I'm perplexed why you would label him such. There might be underlying issues such as hypersexuality, and defining that is thorny as well.

Confront him, then maybe follow up with therapy. Try the nice way before you go guns-a-blazing.

I have tried to talk to him with no productive result ie counseling. He is a person who also suffers from anxiety so won’t even go to the de fir physical ailments, dentist, therapy or medical help for anxiety, won’t take any kind of medicine etc so I know he’s not going to go talk to someone about something as private as sexual issues, especially when he personally doesn’t have a problem with it.
And I don’t really think I’ve said anything about going in with guns blazing, I’ve thought about this for a long time and am only trying to figure out if and how I should let the women know

No guns blazing here lol

[Gfofaddict]

Oh and I call him a porn addict because that’s what someone is when they can’t or don’t stop porn activity even when it does things like threatens relationships etc. doesn’t matter if he’s “ hyper sexual” porn addiction starts for many reasons but that’s not part of the diagnosis or criteria to be an addict

[Job 30 26]

Sounds like you have issues with how you think and feel about porn. I recommend that you both read Sex at Dawn. Women and men are so far apart when it comes to drives and impulses. Let me put this in a gentle way: if you ever have a son, and he comesbacross the internet, and randomly comea to enjoy a certain kink--because sex is the most complicated and varied thing about humankind--would you publicly shame your own son, and have that stain on him for the rest of his life? All it takes to start the public shaming is for you to knock over the first domino and a field of fire will burn like a scourge, all because you feel and think differently aboit something as menial as what was going on in tje privacy, that went no further than him with computed screen.

[Purple,Violet,Blue]

I'm not sure if you were meaning me, but I'm definitely not a prude. Everyone (almost) looks at porn.

A google of this subject took me to an Australian support site, where a woman had a similar experience:

My husband's pornography addiction is destroying me

In her case, the images she and her sister were photoshopped onto were sometimes violent, so that's different to the OP's situation.

But the shock and horror comes through.

This is not about boys being boys imo, Job. This mature man is doing something horrible to his two female friends. And they have no idea. The image, once made, can get out into the world at any moment.

In England, we have passed laws around 'revenge porn' (I don't like that phrase, myself).

I see that Georgia has a law on their books which treats this sort of thing as being a similar offence to slander:

"to provide that a person commits defamation when he or she causes an unknowing person wrongfully to be identified as the person in an obscene depiction"

It's a complicated topic, no doubt. But let's call it what it is. A form of sex abuse.

[Gfofaddict]

Originally Posted by Job 30 26

Sounds like you have issues with how you think and feel about porn. I recommend that you both read Sex at Dawn. Women and men are so far apart when it comes to drives and impulses. Let me put this in a gentle way: if you ever have a son, and he comesbacross the internet, and randomly comea to enjoy a certain kink--because sex is the most complicated and varied thing about humankind--would you publicly shame your own son, and have that stain on him for the rest of his life? All it takes to start the public shaming is for you to knock over the first domino and a field of fire will burn like a scourge, all because you feel and think differently aboit something as menial as what was going on in tje privacy, that went no further than him with computed screen.

Job I’m not sure who you’re talking to about issues with porn. If you look at the dsmv about sex addiction and the criteria you may have a better understanding of the mental health definitions of that issue. It doesn’t sound like you have been educated on the subject. And you know nothing about myself or anyone else or how they personally feel about porn. I am speaking about the actual criteria of porn or sex addiction, which I AM professionally trained in.

As for his activities being private and not anythung beyond a computer screen. There is a HUGE difference between looking at women who have agreed to having sexual images of them portrayed for other people’s sexual gratification and women who are unknowingly being undressed and images created that are as real looking on the screen as ones taken of actual women doing those acts willingly WITHOUT THEIR KNOWLEDGE OR CONSENT.

It is voyeurism , looking at a woman with out her consent and not knowing Someone is looking at you that way. If you think that is harmless then you perhaps suffer from the same male attitudes that make you believe these things are ok , to violate women, exploit them and all without their knowledge or consent for a mans own selfish sexual gratification needs. That is not ok, there’s plenty of legitimate porn out there with women who are doing so willingly that one does not need to put a friends image on a screen and undress her. I’m sorry you perhaps can’t understand. The difference or why that’s a personal violation of her.

[Gfofaddict]

And also you have no idea what any of us women on here or anyone for that matter have as sexual impulses and drives. The difference is that some people can manage their impulses and respect other individuals to not violate them to satisfy their needs and impulses.

[Gfofaddict]

Since I’m the original poster. I wonder if I would have got more direct answers regarding my actual question if I had merely said I know of someone, vs saying my bf? Seems things got really sidetracked with focusing on why I’m with him, my views of sex and porn etc etc. Crazy but that was a good learning lesson for me when posting questions.