Haven't been laid in months

and in response to your other post.... no... having a baby NEVER fixes a relationship. and like pinksoil eluded to, neither does sex. it really sounds like youre just skimming the surface, finding a superficial fix and then getting mad when it doesnt work. it looks like youre just grabbing things out of thin air and going "could this help?" instead of sitting down with your husband and truly giving it effort. quick fixes never work.

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youOme said:
I think deep down although I'm not getting laid, I'm relieved. Before when sex was at a normal pace (feels long long long ago) I felt disgusted when my husband touched me and he never turned me on in anyway.

What should I do?????

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heres your problem in my opinion

maybe this is also your reason for lack of motivation to lose the weight you complain about, also

on another note:
maybe you should just turn the lights out tonight and get in bed instead of the couch, and saddle up,

Thanks for the responses everybody, they are insightful, supportive, and realistic and I take them each individually.

salukigirl : It's exactly what I've been looking for, a quick fix. I think he is guilty for doing this as well. It's at the bottom of desperation for us....but I am grateful that I am at least aware of this behavior and plan on bringing it up when the time is right....maybe when he's in one of his philosophical moments. Thanks for pointing that out.

AAAA : I didn't calculate right and odviously my half *** mistake was all ambushed as some lie or exaggeration. I never even thought to count my ONS. People some how get stuck on that small stuff when I'm like hardly grasping the big stuff. *sighs*...I don't know. What is WBTM?? I'm guessing it's either before my time or I just don't get out much..heh. So far I've got a plan to bring up a fragile situation on a light mood... he's like a baby and has to be swooned towards conversation. Maybe if I start out talking about WWII machine guns he'll listen.

Pinksoil: I agree, the emotion would have to be there in the beginning to have that connection during sex. If it's absent it's compared to having sex with a stranger.

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heyjoe said:
if you are going to throw something out there, you have to expect questions to clarify if a person doesnt understand.

If i was going to be shallow id much rather marry for money than looks.



Gypsyeyes said:
Thank you my dear Joe for undertanding where i was coming from..must be our NY connection

Must be my NY intinct to question the whole thread and i was confused about the whole thing......but oh well doesnt matter...shame on me for posting again to a specific poster.

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I don't understand what ya'll are saying...might be a West Virginian thing *shrugs*...

coralproper: haha...he might think I'm a robber or possibly a naughty dream and not to wake up..haha

Salukigirl

I completely agree with you

And as far as i can say - IF you don`t taek a deep breath and DECIDE you want to *get waht you want* no 1 else will get it for you.
Thank means - if you don`t talk about it...chances are you are saing with your behavior "i am okay with what`s going on - and so - he can`t really know that somehting is wrong from you POV....

I would really consider an open talk. otherwise, simple as it is......can anyhting BE CHANGED?

I know it sounds obvious..but sometimes we forget what we are and what we can do due to frustraiton, despair, etc.

youOme - I looked at your myspace page thats in your sig. You don't even say youre married on there. Theres nothing about your husband. There is 1 picture out of probably 40 with him even in it and he's in the back of everyone else. To me, that looks like you really don't even like him. Not like you want to fix things, but you don't like being with him. I would think that if you truly wanted to fix things you would give off the impression that you have a husband and your page doesnt do that. I see that as a reflection of how you view him. Maybe he is a jerk to you because youre cold to him? If someone knows that you don't like them, why would they ever be attracted to you? He might feel that you have no interest in him at all and thats why he doesn't want you. If you do have interest in him, then show it. and show it A LOT! loving someone is a 2 way street. If you show him love, he (hopefully) will return it if your relationship isnt totally dead. But if you are a jerk to him, he's going to be a jerk to you. And sleeping with your best friend's husband is not showing that you care about him, whether he knows it or not. And I wonder how many of the times where he is an *** is provoked. Why don't you step up and be the bigger person and show him love even when he doesnt? It may suprise him and you could get a very good response.

salukigirl: It may seem like I'm the bad guy, but I'm not. I've been working on my end of the marriage for a few years and not recieving equal work from his end. I've been lovingly devoted to this man since I was 16-17 years old. To this day I love him, chersih the wisdom he has given me, and respect everything he has done for both the children and I. He took me out of a %#@&#! up home and introduced me to an entire different world. He gave me hope in myself and encouraged me to continue my education. I was an freshmen drop out when he met me and very niave to the ways of the world. In a way he's been my protector and my guide...sometimes when I look back I think in a way he was more my father then my equal other half....complicated to explain.

I feared people would judge me harshly surrounding the circumstances of my ONS and failures in my marriage. Although my husband has done these things for me he is still cruel, controlling, and an alcoholic. he just recently put his hands on me for the last time (few monhs ago), but whether it returns or not is unpredictable.

My close friends who know of my situation think my actions were completely justified and this is coming from happily married women who wouldn't fear %#@&#! of reaction...straight up type of gals. Then again, they know my husband.

My husband is also shy and hates his picture being taken. I have very few.

As far as the relationship status thing...well, I changed that along time ago when I was majoraly pissed off and thinking of divorces his ***, and never got around to changing it back.

It's all very in depth and complicated and I should have looked from the outside in and saw how it would appear, especially to married folks. It doesn't look good, then again..it isn't. My intentions weren't to pretty in pink it neither, I'm being honest.

People have care free "no strings" attached sex all the time with no emotion involved

Maybe I'm "old" but you know what princess? As long as you treat sex like this, it won't mean anything. . .ever. And if you treat it like it means nothing, then why are you whining about him not putting out?

You say you love your husband, but there's very little love demonstrated on your myspace page.

Teenage boys like girls who are "hott" and can roll language off their tongues like. . .well, you can fill in the blank here I'm sure. MEN however, are a different matter.

It appears to me that you guys both need to do some growing up and stop playing house. Get your butt to a therapist. . .or I promise you, your kids will need one before it's over.

you think months is bad? I haven't been laid in almost 3 years!

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Robb90640 said:
you think months is bad? I haven't been laid in almost 3 years!

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Wow!! How come?

3 years....ooh, ouch.

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you think months is bad? I haven't been laid in almost 3 years!

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It will be 9 years for me on April 28th, my 47th BD...

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Wow!! How come?

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<font color="purple">A long twisted story in case someone wants to know why, and perhaps may be one of the reasons I came to Psych Central, not knowing there would be a forum on this topic, but boy oh boy am I grateful... it is time I stop running from life, I am tired and want to help myself feel better, instead of helping others all the time.

This is my very first posting, by the way, aside from the intro. I am hoping to make a few friends too, so if you'd like to have a nice, caring, very spiritual, un-conditional loving and supporting friend, who knows how to listen, never give advice, only share experiences and offer just his hand in friendship... I would love to meet you here, and share some life experience(s) with you...

Thanks for listening...
Leon-rowynn from depression and lonliness... </font>

Well..so that`s waht heppend?

From what i understand. You were 17, fell in love (?)
He was a sort of a savior...and now that you have been "his girl" for such a long time he is controlling.. there are people who think it`s o.k ad that they can do whatever and their partner will tolerate it...

Is it the case?

I didn't love him instantly, it was something I told myself I would learn to do. I'll admit, I did fall for him and I do still love him but he's not realizing I'm not the young, dumb, and niave girl he'd first met. Now that I've grown and am much more wiser, meaning I've changed as a person...maybe I've changed into a woman he doesn't find attractive...personality wise. IDK??

then i dont understand why youre still in it? people change constantly. the beautiful thing about having someone you love is that they understand that and grow with you. but it sounds like instead of growing together and encouraging that in each other, youre butting heads and resisting it. it doesnt even sound like you want it fixed. it sounds like youre fine with the passion being gone, you just want sex.

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youOme said:
I didn't love him instantly, it was something I told myself I would learn to do. I'll admit, I did fall for him and I do still love him but he's not realizing I'm not the young, dumb, and niave girl he'd first met. Now that I've grown and am much more wiser, meaning I've changed as a person...maybe I've changed into a woman he doesn't find attractive...personality wise. IDK??

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I guess maybe I'm just way too old and "wise" these days.

Your comment about being grown up and "much more wiser" (by the way, it's much more wise) just cracked me up. I've seen your myspace. . .maturity and posting photos of yourself flipping someone off aren't exactly phrases that go hand in hand, you know? You post photos of yourself drunk, and making suggestive remarks, and you stated yourself that there isn't anything wrong with "care free" sex without strings, and you think you're mature and wise?

Everyone. ..EVERYONE makes mistakes. All of us have made mistakes. But hon. . .if you don't get YOUR act together, I promise you, your husband won't ever get his together. A wise woman realizes the error of her ways, and finds ways to honor her husband with dignity and respect. Not by posting obscene photos on the internet for anyone to see.

I'm curious. . . what does he think of your Myspace?

The last time i did it, I got pregnant.

Maybe thats why I quit :P

Yeah, my photos on my MySpace are a useful source to use for judgement...right. Anyway, got rid of the URL, apparently my MySpace is immature when in actuality it is influenced by my humor, my friends and even my family would understand them. AND my pictures aren't sexually suggestive neither...in any way...at all. My booty ain't hanging out and neither are my breast...I'm not understanding what your talking about when it comes to "obscene"....besides me flipping off on my moving IMG.

I'm giving up on explaining my side of MY problem here because ya'll have your head set on this easy little girl wanting to get hers and hers only...sacrificing her family while doing so. It's not that and never has been, ya'll don't know.

Excuse my faulty English...after all it's not my damn term paper or nothing...us southerners ain't to keen on the English language neither.

I'm aware of my errors, I discuss them and I admit them all. I know what I have done and where my faults have corrupted this marriage...but the difference between my husband and I is I'm willing to change and have been ready to make them sacrifices. I'm willing to stop drinking, get a full time job to help support finances, everything and anything...I've offered these things to him. I've also brought up marriage counseling.

In all efforts I've been shot down....he's not ready to stop drinking....and he's most definitely not going to share his business to a "therapist". On his end of the pole there is no effort and THAT IS WHY THIS %#@&#! IS OLD TO ME...it's becoming hopeless. Once an WISE woman...meaning a woman old enough to be my mother who had experienced many relationships expressed to me (even though she was a complete stranger) that a marriage cannot be fixed on one end...both ends have to want it to be fixed. I really don't think my husband gives two shits about fixing nothing. He's not aware of the ONS and YES, He's seen my MySpace and has never expressed any concern about it. The point is my husband only cares about being drunk and his %#@&#! job.

So instead of trying to understand me...think from my side...ya'll continue bashing my past ONS and basing your judgements on my damn MSpace....come on, for real.

It's making me angry and disappointing me that ya'll are assuming I am some cretin of a child...some vulgar woman...a sheela na gig, wanting nothing but some bang bang. I want my husband, I want his attention, I want to connect with him, and I long for his touch and affection. My husband hasn't kissed my on the mouth in over a year! I can't even recall when the last time he told me he loved me......I'm in pain here and ya'll are insulting me.

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youOme said:
I'm giving up on explaining my side of MY problem here because ya'll have your head set on this easy little girl wanting to get hers and hers only...sacrificing her family while doing so.

It's not that and never has been, ya'll don't know.
(

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((( HUGS ))) -

Please know that I am not one of the people that are viewing you one way and one way only........ I have lived thru so much and I have acted both near perfect and negatively due to the stress I was under at the moment, therefore, I NEVER judge another - only help if I can.

(((Rhapsody)))

I know

It wasn't ever JUST the myspace youOme. . .by your own comments about how you approach your relationships, people here have tried to bring you around. YOU were the one who opened the discussion. . .here and on the relationships board.

I find it interesting that you have made several comments about what you are "willing to do" but I've found nothing that says you've actually followed through on these things. You're "willing" to stop drinking. . .but have you? You're "willing" to get a job, but have you started looking? Financial difficulty can make any husband frustrated. And you're right, marriage can't be fixed from ONE person's perspective, but the problems that YOU have can be addressed without your husband in therapy with you. Perhaps if you sought out some counseling, and started working on yourself, rather than focusing on him and the indignation of being "picked on" at PC, you might discover some revelatory things that could very easily change the way you approach your marriage.

As far as your MySpace page goes. . .my point to you was that you put this information out into the public eye for all to see. You're a mother, and a wife - I can't think of a single culture where posting photos of yourself drunk and making obscene gestures is acceptable. You included the link here, and many (not just me) people went and looked and I think it's interesting that a lot of us had the same thing to say to you about it.

You never did answer the question about what your husband thought of it.

If you truly want help, it's out there to be had. You can go seek it out and begin to work on your problems and hopefully make some positive changes in yourself. If you dont. . .then I'm sure there will always be an audience somewhere willing to listen to and be a part of your issues with your husband. You can post all you want here. . .but I'm here to tell you, we've all got our own issues, and allowing you transfer yours onto us ain't going to fly. It's no one's fault here that you have marital issues, affair issues, parental issues or whatever. And you can blame us for judging you for your myspace and comments, but you put it out there to be seen my dear.

Seek some counseling. Call your local community mental health and if all else fails, get a job and get some benefits for you and your family.

(((( you0me )))))

I understand just wanting to vent and get out frustrations. Sometimes when we feel hopeless we just want to express that and get it out.

I don't want to see this thread continuing in a way that makes you feel judged. I see some judgement too....and while its true that if we put stuff out there, we should be willing to accept what we get back, it doesn't always have to be negative. I'm glad your husband has seen your myspace and is ok with it. Sounds like even though there doesn't seem to much love there, he accepts you for who you are.

I hope you can find some peace in the situation, either by leaving or getting to the place where you can can accept it.....to thine own self be true, and you are the only one who really knows you.

Always feel free to drop me a pm if you need to vent ok? And let me know if you want this locked and away it goes.


Rayna

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[b]youOme said:[/b

Excuse my faulty English...after all it's not my damn term paper or nothing...us southerners ain't to keen on the English language neither.

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you go girl

I hate when people judge us southerners on our english skills

....ya mean i ain't got dat good a english skills. oh no. lol

YouOme. I dont know really what to say. But i do hope you seek some counseling even if your husband chooses not to. Two good friends of mine had their marriage go sour. She went to counseling and he chose not to. Today, she is a better person all around. And he has moved far away.

Give yourself a break with quitting drinking. Its hard as hell to do. When you are ready, you'll know. And take care of those kiddies. Cause i know they sure do love their momma.

be good to yourself

I was way lost with this one in the very beginning!