Haven't been laid in months

i know youre going to be defensive considering it looks like were all bashing you. hopefully, youll sleep on it and see some of the self-destructive behavior going on. if not, thats your choice.

and theres nothing wrong with speaking properly. you can be proud of where youre from without using "words" like 'aint'. i don't care if 'aint' is in the dictionary... so is badonkadonk! and so is woot!

hmm...

This thread is getting interesting and excuse me if i interrupt with some philosophy of the "ultimate reality" or the "minimalistic"..as i call it.

I agree with you. youOme, and with Gacey too. I agree with both of you....

Now...good and bad are all made up. youOme has some facts..that she stated. Gacey reacted. everyone has the right to react the way he reacts- ho yes- i rememebr how i call it the objective phylisiphy. it IS hard to agree about it when it`s such a personal issue...and from what i see...

FACTS ARE FACTS

Now- HOW do you see it?

Gracey - this and that is not alright.
youOme - i am desperat.e he doesn`t do anything.

But the Myspalce pics and theinfo you brought us were just facts.

OUR thoughts and beliefs about those facts are the htings that may get US in trouble. For every time i find myself getting from what simple and natural and start judgin htings I DO SUFFER. Or judge some1 else = this is whe we believe about the storie we tell ourselves about the facts.this is what kitty bayron says.

Has anybody read "To Love What There Is" by Ketty Bayron?
Wounderful book - just to BE AWARE of the fact that there is WAHT IS and there are OUR THOUGHTS about it.. So - Garcey - really there are 1000000 of ways to see those pics on myslpace and other things.

What i agree about, however, is what you are saying in the end-
We - and beleive me - youOme- i CAN BE EXACTLY LIKE YOU- with other issues -
we can post here or on other forums - and this can be useful for expression, sharing problems with friends....maybe getting some advices...

BUT IN THE END

The changes you are going or not going to make - are UP TO YOU

What a kiss or whatever means to you?
It looks like.....you want attention, love.not just a %#@&#!.
There is one thing i know about love ..may not experience yet but still

"Become the source of which you desire "
Have you tried to show love or effection or whatever to your hasband or whatever it is that you want....when you GIVE waht you want..and you can give it to your kinds too, if you htink your husband refuses....give your kids some more attention some more toys somehting that will make them happy..a hug a hike a new toy a smile.

*notice that by sugesting it i am not saying you don`t do it enoguh...but when you give what you need you BECOME what you need...and the universe sends this to you with a double dosage.

So if now you say "i am a victim, i am trying but nohting is there..it`s all HIM....you get more and more of THAT. our thoguhts and feelings exists at the same level of existence with the deed....the fact that we cannot see them doesn`t mean they donthave influence.

i think that going to a therapist on your own can be good too. I fyou feel you need to talk about it. With some1 objective..

Think of it EVEN if your hasband refused. don`t YOU deserve help when you need it?
don`t YOU DESERVE to feel better?
I had a problem with my parents, but i went to theraphy alone and today..i am quite fine...so they are.

I wish you all the best..whichever path you choose

youOme - people think all you want is "bang bang"? what do you expect when the title of your post is "haven't been laid in months!". the original post had NOTHING to do with affection and everything to do with not getting sex.

if you don't think its salvagable then leave! if you think youve done everything and nothing is changing then freaking leave. many women have gotten out of worse circumstance than yours so it is possible.

im recommending the book "The Road Less Traveled" by M. Scott Peck. its from the 70's, but the topics he discusses are still relevant today. and if you read it, think about how it effects you, not your husband. if you read it trying to find how the subjects fit someone else, you will get nothing from the book.

and for future reference, if you don't want people forming their own ideas about your posts and having to explain yourself, then explain everything in the original post. if you dont, youll go to work and come home a few hours later to find 4 pages of replies that are totally against you.

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salukigirl said:
youOme - people think all you want is "bang bang"? what do you expect when the title of your post is "haven't been laid in months!". the original post had NOTHING to do with affection and everything to do with not getting sex.

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I care to differ here....... for not being BANG BANG has ever thing to with AFFECTION....... as females often substitute SEX for LOVE (as do some men).

yes i know that (having done it myself) but she even said meaningless sex several times.

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salukigirl said:
yes i know that (having done it myself) but she even said meaningless sex several times.

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IMO - I think some times people do not know what they really want / need - for while she may have been saying "meaningless sex" - I still feel deep down inside that she was truly using it as a substitute for the lack of her husbands affection.

She..... like many other people might look toward sex to take care of love (or the lack of it).

But then we walk into another completely different issue. . .the substitution of sex for love. One does not equate the other. . .by her own admission even.

She's gotten a LOT of good advice. . .and a lot of sympathy. What she chooses to do about her life now is up to her. There is help out there. . .will be interesting to see if she's truly willing to find it.

and if she is looking to substitute sex for love, then the problem still is not with her husband.

im pretty sure ive even heard people on here say that when someone really makes you angry, you need to look at what your problem is, not theirs. its all in perception. if you get the wrong impression of someone, you will take everything they say wrong. whereas, if you lust for someone or have a good impression of someone, you might make excuses for them and see everything they do as good. i agree that she needs help, just not that everything is the husbands fault. from the way youOme talks in posts, it seems like she really needs to see a counselor. Im nowhere near a psychiatrist but I sense a little bit of a character disorder here. just my opinion.

I think. . .and this is just MY opinion. . .that this happens frequently in young marriages. My husband and I married very young. . .three weeks after my 20th birthday. My God. . .we were still figuring out how to be grown ups when we got married. We loved one another fiercely however.

When things got hard. . .and they DID believe me. . .and the D word was getting thrown around, I had enough sense to know that the answer wasn't in a carnal act of gratification. There were plenty of those (with each other, never with other people) and they NEVER satisfied. It wasn't until I got into counseling that I realized I was waiting for him to "save" me in some bizarre sense. Hello? Smack familiar anyone? Coming to the realization that I didn't need saving, that he had his own need for saving, and that neither of us was really the "answer" to the other, it made it easier to get a fresh perspective on things. We worked. . .we worked HARD. . .and we worked through these things. This year, we'll celebrate 14 years of marriage. It CAN be done.

Regarding the drinking. . .Jan 4 was my three year mark. . .and this was the SECOND time I got sober. I KNOW how hard it is when you are ADDICTED to alcohol. It makes you do stupid crap and clouds just about every single decision you make b/c every decision revolves around that next drink. You CAN get sober.

Again. . .it all comes down to a willingness to be brutally honest and brutally vulnerable and allowing others to be brutally honest with you. If you aren't ready to go to that place, then it'll be a waste of time anyway.

I want to avoid this thread but I figured it's one of those "running away from my problem" situations. So, I'm here and I'm still listening. I'll admit that it's gotten ridiculous though...this ain't no therapy session okay...this is my real life.

See, where I went wrong here was A. naming the thread the way I did because it belittled my situation, that was my attempt in humoring my problem. I tend to do that. B. putting my MySpace URL for people to see when in actuality it's not even appropriate for this type of setting. It needs to more of a private deal here.

I'm not dumb, I'm aware of what ya'll are saying. It's not as though I haven't been to therapy before or haven't attended one of those hardcore group session or those interventions were everybody sits around and tells you how much of a loser you are because your always high and drunk. Been there done that.

I know who I am.... I know what I've been through and I understand how my identity and my life, including my past, has molded me into the person I am today.

Before my husband there has been other serious relationships where I full heartily dedicated myself. This is not my first relationship with an older man.

Basically what it's come down to in my situation is focus...purely focus and sacrifice. One true way to understand is to be here, in my shoes and walking my steps. My focus is to be happy and to gain happiness however I have too. My kids are what is most important me.

This paraphrasing, "quoting" stuff ya'll do don't show the entire picture. I just wanted to say that....because it's true. The %#@&#! ya'll quote on me makes me look like some sex craving huzzy. All I wanted from the beginning is for my husband to love me and treat me like he once had. I feel I've worked hard for him but it's never enough.

I am NOT characterally diseased okay.

And I also do NOT substitute sex for love..I once had when I was a child but I know of the distinction now, believe me. Sex between husband and wife is a expression of love...I won't believe any other.

(((((youOme))))

hope you got my pm and all is well!!!

Dee

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salukigirl said:
and if she is looking to substitute sex for love, then the problem still is not with her husband.

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Yes, it can still be her husband........ for he is the one not giving her the love & affection she emotionally needs, therefore, she turns to sex (even if it is with another man).

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Gracey said:
But then we walk into another completely different issue. . .the substitution of sex for love. One does not equate the other. . .by her own admission even.

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As I said earlier....... some people do not realize they are doing this.

BTW -

It can be "Sex for Love" or "Sex for Affection" - both rate the same in my book.

then now youre changing your story. because before you said sex was meaningless. im just wondering.... why is it that some people can have all the will power in the world and quit anything at anytime and others can't do anything about it.

it just sounds like your making excuses for the situation. you are totally discarding everything everyone has said, except for the people who have backed up your side. thats not a character disorder? people with neuroses come into these places feeling that they are at fault and wondering what they can do to fix it. you came in here putting blame on your husband and "admitting" to faults when youre not really taking responsibility for them, or else they wouldnt still be happening. you obviously don't want my advice, so ill stop coming to this thread.

This thread has run its course.

Thanks,
Rayna