[Stu54]

I introduced myself in my initial post titled ‘An Introduction From The Heart’ and, if it’s OK, am now going to expand on my story – for clarity, some extract’s from my introduction are repeated the following.

This is my personal story - it's about my 'journey that took a lifetime' and I would like as many people as possible to read it and take heart because it is possible to recover from childhood trauma.

My story was written to validate me, to help me reconcile my childhood, to allow me to recover from endless self-recrimination and self-harming, self-punishing behavior.

It's a dark story, but it has a good outcome. It was difficult for me to write it but writing it helps validate me and my behavior – and delivers some understanding on what is a delicate subject.

Apologies in advance - it's a long story, but I've lived a long life.

It's graphic in parts, but it's difficult not to write in graphic terms if it is to be an honest recollection of my life - if I am to get any validation for living it on the understanding that my behavior was acceptable given the circumstances.

Again, hope that's all ok with you.

There would be many reasons why otherwise 'normal' people practice rectal polyembolokoilamania (rectal insertion of foreign bodies), C-PTSD and emotional dysregulation are probably most overlooked.

But get something out of the way first, my reasons for acting out rectal polyembolokoilamania was purely ‘self-harm’ hidden behind ‘sexual’ behavior – something that I understood because I wasn't getting any pleasure out of the act !

This personal story combines my perspective, as well as that of my therapist, and seeks to summarize and explain my journey through life.

My therapist wrote it for me, and it was written to enable both reconciliation and ultimate recovery from a lifetime spent with a psychological disorder - it unfolds as follows:

... Stu reported the self-harming behavior of **** foreign body insertion since adolescence, starting around 15 years of age - and continuing to this day.

He presented as a heterosexual adult male in his mid-60's, happily married over 40 years, with adult children and grandchildren. He was now retired.

He began by saying "my journey started before I was born when my mother suffered perinatal distress after a sibling was critically injured in an accident, her depression continued postpartum. I think that my mother was traumatized by this event, 'constantly reminding people of it' for the rest of her life'.

Her distress and subsequent depression resulted in poor mother-infant attachment, impaired emotional development and dysfunctional emotional regulation as a causal outcome.

Stu gave a complex family history, describing his birth and upbringing as 'questionable' with an emotionally distant mother and a physically abusive father - now both deceased.

He described his father as a dominant, controlling disciplinarian, intimidating Stu as a child. He went on to describe his mother as depressed due to traumatic events from which she never appeared to fully recover from.

He also remembered the constant feeling of fear he felt growing up surrounded by raised voices, slamming doors and the consistent hint of domestic violence in the home.

Possible trigger:

A significant childhood memory that stood out for Stu from his upbringing was when his mother would 'look for worms' by periodically checking his ****. Stu said..."I thought nothing of it and just did as I was told, allowing her to spread my buttocks and expose me in the most vulnerable of ways. If she suspected evidence of pinworms, then she would simply apply ointment before rubbing it in and around my ****."

By adolescence he had developed an emotionally complex set of rituals to relieve his feelings of 'sadness, emptiness, loneliness' that the disconnect from his mother and the punitive behavior from his father had caused.

Rectal insertion became a ritual, a way of 'seeking comfort' and 'relieving painful feelings', replacing them with a sense of 'being filled up' before always ending in feelings of more pain, shame, punishment and anxiety.

Later, as an adult and married, Stu said he introduced his wife to his auto-erotic behavior - and she was willing to join in with the opportunity to explore that behavior with him.

Possible trigger:

As her willingness & participation grew, so did Stu's desire to do more - until she had engaged so much in his behavior that there were 'minimal boundaries’ left to her participation and she would readily initiate or otherwise comply with **** fisting, **** insertion or otherwise debase or discipline Stu with ‘golden showers', 'caning' or enact other ****-based actions on Stu as he attempted to replicate the need for attachment (with his mother) and/or discipline and punishment (from his father).

During further extensive psychological examination and history it became evident that his behavior, rather than serving a sexual function, was serving more as a psychosexual, emotionally regulatory function related more to his parents, and his upbringing.

Various studies have shown that the behavior of rectal insertions of foreign objects may be associated with a person's psychosocial and developmental history more than previously thought.

That is, rather than serving a purely sexual function, the primary motivation for this behavior in many cases may be to serve an emotional regulatory function due to childhood trauma.

These emotional factors are often unconscious and appear deeply rooted in attachment issues stemming from upbringing very early in life.

Consequently, the person feels powerless to stop or otherwise control or stop the behavior, and its relieving effect becomes reinforcing, escalating it, causing feelings of intense anxiety and shame throughout adult life.

In therapy over several years using a combination of Schema therapy, CBT and Mindfulness Stu has been able to explore his 'inner child' and has gained a deep insight into himself, and his upbringing until he finally found reconciliation.

The 'sexual gratification' aspect of Stu's behavior never resonated with him and, together with his own research, Stu has been able to reconcile his upbringing.

He now has a new understanding and is now more ambivalent about his childhood and parents to a point where he is now able to let go of this self-destructive behavior and protect and nurture himself in healthier ways.
Despite some relapse, Stu appears to have fully integrated his inner child and can now distinguish between his 'adult self' and 'child self and who/which is motivating his behavior.

This has also had the domino effect of generalizing out to make distinctions between healthy sexual acts and harmful ones, and in turn, letting go of making his wife implicit with him in acting out or ritualizing this behavior.

This has allowed for a more natural closeness and intimacy between two people that love each other.

Outcomes and benefits of working through the emotional, psychosexual factors of rectal insertion of foreign objects has not only allowed him to let go of harmful behaviors, he is much more relaxed, more observant and better equipped at sharing personal observations.

He is now able to identify his triggers and regulate his emotions which provides a greater sense of order, calmness and stability within himself possibly for the first time in his life ...

[Tart Cherry Jam]

I am glad you found a good therapist and made so much progress. What was unclear in your story for me was its beginning. Ointment for pinworms? Medications to treat pinworms are usually taken by mouth. See, e.g., Mebendazole - Wikipedia

Also, evidence of pinworms is more typically found in the toilet or on underwear, and yet your mother did not try to examine your worn undies, nor did she ask you to show her how you went to the bathroom before flushing.

Either your mother was misinformed or she had a hidden agenda when she asked you to spread your buttocks.

I am fairly familiar with the subject of intestinal parasites both because it both frightened and fascinated me in middle school in our biology class and because my grandmother's sister, a scholar, wrote her dissertation on the most prevalent parasite in her geographical area, and the dissertation was a significant contribution to public health and epidemiology in her day and age. It has been decades, though, and I checked online just now to make sure that what I remembered from middle school about pinworms is actually true. It is - the treatment is systemic and the evidence is not found by looking at the **** opening of a child. And if you think about it, it makes total sense that the medication would be systemic and not topical because pinworms live parasitically inside the intestines, so the medication needs to reach inside the body and topical ointment lacks that power.

I am very happy for you to have found a wonderful therapist, but at the same time a little surprised that she did not question your mother's motivation, because it should be obvious that ointment doesn't treat systemic infestation with intestinal parasites.

[Stu54]

Thanks for your observation. My Mother's actions and motivation were discussed at length in therapy but the important thing is that I have never felt like I was a victim of anything 'sexual' in her behavior. I was aged between about 8 - 12 yo, it happened more than once but one occasion/one specific memory has stayed with me - it's dim now but when I first mentioned it in therapy the memory was very vivid - at the time I remember saying that 'I can still feel her touch'. Back then there were lots of home remedies for different ailments and, believe it or not garlic, coconut oil, shredded raw carrot, papaya, pumpkin seeds and wormwood are all mentioned as a home remedy for pinworms. Perhaps it was coconut oil that was rubbed in and around my **** but that's not part of my memory - maybe I should have taken it by mouth instead.
I agree, she may have been misinformed but I don't think she had a hidden agenda when she asked me to spread my buttocks.

Anyway, I hope to continue sharing my story, hopefully it all makes sense in the end.

[Tart Cherry Jam]

Home remedies. I understand.