Navigating Intimidation and Rejection: Reflections from A Troubled Soul

Another page of notes from therapy:

My soul has been troubled for as long as I can remember.

Even as a child, I sensed that something was “not quite right” with me and insecurity has been a constant companion throughout my life - I believe that I was born insecure.

Sadly, it wasn’t until I began therapy that I started to understand how my father’s intimidating parenting style reinforced my feelings of insecurity.

My relationship with my mother was also complicated. As we've already discussed, she was emotionally distracted immediately before, and for a long time after my birth. And the incident was a constant, unspoken presence in our family, yet its impact was never acknowledged or discussed.

As a result, I grew up feeling insecure and afraid, often reacting with a facade of bravado, covert aggression, emotional distance, or arrogance to mask my underlying fears.

I oscillated between the fight, flight, freeze, or fawn responses until I became overwhelmed and tried to escape my inner turmoil.

My father was emotionally aloof and fragile, while my mother was lukewarm in her affections, she was emotionally controlled. Their occasional aggressive arguments left me yearning for comfort and security, something that I desperately craved.

Interestingly, I have always sought physical closeness with girls, yet I often maintained a distance, a controlled demeanor whenever I was around them. I craved intimacy but would create distance whenever I felt threatened by their closeness.

This pattern persisted until I became infatuated with an older, more experienced girl and I let my defenses down - ended up emotionally distraught. I thought I that I had managed to hide the cracks in my emotional armor, but the unexpected breakdown of that relationship exposed my vulnerabilities and allowed my insecurities to fester.

The trauma around the time of my birth likely continued to affect me for years afterward.

According to author and obstetrician Christiane Northrup (2005), a pregnant mother experiencing high levels of fear or anxiety can create a “metabolic cascade” that affects her child’s immune system and overall well-being. Conversely, when a mother feels healthy and happy, she produces oxytocin, fostering feelings of bonding and security in her baby".

Unfortunately my mother didn't bond with me after my birth - she was grappling with her own struggles, compounded by my father’s blame-shifting behavior.

There are different nurturing styles; my wife tends to nurture others first, while my mother prioritized her own needs.

Recently, I experienced an incident in another city that was unrelated to me, yet the pain and anguish I felt were palpable. I dissociated from the present, remaining in that state throughout the day until I began to regress into old habits. Fortunately, I snapped out of it before it went too far. I understand what happened, but I struggle to comprehend why I regressed so quickly. I am improving my ability to identify triggers, but some come out of left field.

The following day, I became increasingly flustered, frustrated, and angry as I awaited news about the incident. But when I heard coverage of the callous behavior involved, I again began to slip back into my old patterns, but this time managing to adjust my thoughts and calm myself down.

I successfully avoided my pain and, consequently, my punishment - but why was it my pain and anguish that required punishment?

Additional Observations:

During a discussion, I remarked, “I recognized my dad in your dad, but I didn’t recognize my dad in me.”

Regarding my wife’s illness, we chose not to share the news with anyone, keeping it within our immediate family. The underlying reason: “No one suffered like my mum.”

I’ve come to realize that my parents did me a disservice in many ways and I need to feel it not fight it.

Intimidation:

I find myself easily intimidated—by men, I respond defensively or aggressively; by women, I become submissive or attracted.

I was in my early twenties when my father passed away, and even then, I couldn’t break free from his emotional grip.

After losing him, I turned to my mother for comfort because I was already emotionally tied to her - and she effortlessly drew me into her web of emotions before ultimately rejecting me. Yet, I continued to seek her comfort for over 40 years.

Rejection:

At the time of my father’s death, I was in a de facto relationship, but I turned away from it to comfort my mother and shortly after my partner decided to move on, entering a new relationship that had formed while I was distracted.

I was devastated—how could this happen? I was emotionally lost and didn’t know who to turn to.

Feeling rejected and dejected, I turned even further toward my mother but she had quickly formed a new relationship with another man - which devastated me even more.

I still remember the arguments I had with them about this new relationship. I felt rejected and lost, dejected and alone - unsure of where to turn for support.

Siblings and partners went on with their lives - leaving me increasingly isolated. They had always influenced my decisions, and even then, I still seek their approval. I turned to another of my sibling and his wife for support, but their support only came begrudgingly. In the end, I felt I had nothing to offer in return.

Years later, during a conversation, one of my siblings acknowledged that I was “lost” and “emotionally adrift.” My immediate reaction was one of frustration: “Thanks for nothing. You knew I was lost and turned to you for help, but your support went missing”.

These reflections highlight the complex interplay of intimidation and rejection that occurred in my life, shaping my emotional landscape and influencing my relationships.

It's a bit overdue but I've finally found the initial clinical analysis of this personal narrative of mine. It's now mid-2025, but it makes for interesting reading of my state of mind in 2017/2018. Fortunately I've come a long way from those dark days.

In analyzing my narrative, my clinical psychologist and I explored its meaning through three interrelated layers: Thematic Content, Structural Coherence, and Emotional Tone. This joint approach helped both of us understand the complexities of my experiences and the implications of my reflections.

Narrative Analysis
1. Thematic Content
The thematic content focused on what was being told in the narrative. Key themes include:

Insecurity and Emotional Turmoil: Stu expresses a lifelong struggle with insecurity, rooted in his childhood experiences with his parents. This theme highlights the impact of early familial relationships on self-perception and emotional health.

Parental Influence: Stu discusses his father's intimidating parenting style and his mother's emotional distance, indicating how these dynamics contributed to his feelings of inadequacy and fear.

Rejection and Isolation: Stu's narrative reveals a pattern of seeking comfort from the mother, only to face rejection, which exacerbates feelings of loneliness and emotional disconnection from others.

Coping Mechanisms: His narrative describes various coping strategies, such as emotional distance and bravado, which serve as defenses against vulnerability but ultimately lead to further emotional distress.

Trauma and Its Legacy: The mention of trauma surrounding birth suggests that unresolved issues from the past continue to influence present emotional state and relationships.

2. Structural Coherence
Structural coherence examines how the story is organized and presented.

Organization: The narrative is structured chronologically, moving from childhood experiences to adult reflections. This progression allowed me to see the development of Stu's emotional landscape over time.

Connections: The narrative makes clear connections between past experiences and current emotional responses, illustrating how early family dynamics shape adult relationships and coping strategies.

Clarity: The narrative is articulated with a sense of introspection, allowing me to follow Stu's thought processes and emotional realizations. However, the complexity of emotions may lead to moments of confusion, reflecting Stu's own struggles with understanding his feelings.

3. Emotional Tone
The emotional tone addresses the emotional meanings conveyed through Stu's narrative.

Vulnerability and Pain: Stu's reflections are imbued with a sense of vulnerability, revealing deep-seated pain and confusion about his emotional state and relationships. Phrases like "my soul has been troubled" and "I felt rejected and lost" convey a profound sense of distress.

Longing for Connection: There is a palpable yearning for intimacy and security, particularly in the context of relationships with women and family members. This longing is juxtaposed with Stu's tendency to create distance, highlighting an internal conflict.

Frustration and Anger: Stu expresses frustration with the family dynamics and the lack of support from siblings, indicating feelings of betrayal and isolation. This emotional tone underscores the complexity of familial relationships and their impact on his self-worth.

Conclusion
Stu's narrative reveals a deeply introspective exploration of his emotional struggles, rooted in childhood experiences and familial relationships.

Themes of insecurity, rejection, and the legacy of trauma are intricately woven into the narrative, illustrating how past experiences shape present emotional states and coping mechanisms.

The structural coherence of the narrative allows for a clear understanding of the narrator's journey, while the emotional tone conveys the depth of their pain and longing for connection.

Overall, Stu's narrative highlights the complexities of human emotions and the profound impact of early relationships on personal identity and well-being.