ramblings of a troubled soul

Lost my way , have not been a good person haven't worked at it very hard . Don't like to hurt others , but I would like to be liked . Have a good wife , very good person the opposite of me . She has not had it easy , people see the good in her quickly, I try to get some good feelings off her limelight. It doesn't always work. She attracts a wide spectrum of people talented and interesting types . I can't read people like she can, she naturally has instincts about people and their intentions. Me I have no clue, I just charge ahead with little thought and say things in wrong ways .
I don't think I'm a mean person , but I can be difficult but not confrontational . I don't like violence.
I am in deep depression , which is a type of fear to the max . I am on drugs to sleep and mellow out some .Limited time with psych . This terrible mind punishing is very painful, the decisions I made in the past to hide out are killing me now . It would leave a mess and financial woes if I did do it . But the mental pain is overwhelming . If you are rich you can find an easier way .
Why am I writing this, I really don't know why . I have visited mental heatlh forums where there are worse off people than me it seems . I find no pleasure in that . Are there answers on the internet , I hoped so but I now know there isn't much there .
Don"t want to be crippled .
I have helped others when I should have been working on my own problems . Trying to look like a good guy I guess.
I tackle projects and don't finish them , I avoid some projects thinking I have plenty of time . well I don't .
Seeing other people moving forward pains me when all my hopes and future are smashed . I had all that energy at one time , boy did I screw up . I thought I could do about anything and I was wrong . Overwhelmed myself to the max .
Buy tools and Think that's the magic , Ha .
How to get my self back is almost unthinkable task . I am running out of time fast . I am almost paralyzed with depression . If my wife didn't take care of me I would possibly get worse or die.
This is so unfair to her . I wish I could cry but my emotions are so uptight I can't .
I came out of this 12 years ago but I put up mental blocks that put me here now .
Do I want to put this out there -- I don't know . Just another cry for help when I know I'm the only source of the cure . I have to accept the trauma and pictures of it in my mind or still suffer.
I posted this earlier but I may have violated the rules ,sorry didn't mean to .

Hi lima. Welcome to Psych Central. Sorry you are battling extreme depression. There are ways to cope with these kinds of stress, like self care and having a safety plan in case you find yourself in a crisis of confidence. Here is more on a safety plan that includes numbers for crisis lines that serve your area. Psych Central - Search results for Safety plan

Psych Central - Search results for Safety plan

For depression this intense, I would highly recommend a therapist and or psychiatrist, but if that is not possible, I would like to recommend a resource here at Psych Central that you can send in a question, and get a reply from the therapist as their time allows. Here is the link for that. Ask the Therapist

With people who knowingly or unknowingly may have been abused that or anything else could be a trigger to a more severe depression. Best to talk to a therapist about that.

Many people who are actively involved in Psych Central find it helps take them out of their own problems to develop empathy for others. And their problems though still there are more manageable.

There are lots of compassionate people here that can make the load lighter by sharing and caring. Feel free to participate actively at Psych Central. Some people find the forums give them the compassion and empathy they seek. http://forums.psychcentral.com
Depression support chat is Thursday at 9PM EST but need 5 posts to enter forum.

Please feel free to private message me or any of the Community Liaisons by left clicking on the name in blue to the left of their post) for questions or just to share.

hi lima01,
don't be hard on yourself. be gentle with yourself. you have a good heart by helping others .don't let depression take you down like that . Think positive!!!!!!!

Diagnosis:Anxiety and depression
meds : Cymbalta 90mgs at night
Vistrail 2 25 mgs daily for anxiety prn
50 mgs at night for insomnia

We ALL fall short. Dust yourself off and get off the mat.

It sounds to me (if I am wrong - ignore me) that you have fallen into a trap of looking back on your history and are beating yourself over all your mistakes.

We ALL make mistakes. Clinton, Cosby, you name it - we ALL fall short of glory. So you can choose to beat the hell out of yourself and gain nothing, OR you can move on. Give your history the finger and say I did what I did - and now I CHOOSE to be a better person.

Take pride. You sound like you are ready to be all that you want to be. Your scars only show the growth that you have done.

Best wishes to you.

Thanks I am trying to take that path . "I don't matter" seems like you are being hard on yourself too . Depression is hell right here on earth self served . I am going to try to reject it . I doubt that you are "useless" .

Sorry it is so hard for you right now. It is so easy with depression to remember all the things we didnt so. Someone told me when that happens to start to write a list of all the good you have done. Write it out and stick it up where you can see it to remember your not all bad.