Desperate for help/advice

I am new here... and I am not sure how explicit one can be... so please, mods, edit this if necessary.
I have never been fully honest about myself... but I need to.. I am getting desperate..
I am a married woman, with 4 children. I am also gay... something which I have only really admitted to myself recently...
I find sex with my husband physically repulsive... but have always hidden this from him... and until about 6 months ago I had never experienced an orgasm. I was sexually abused for several years by a group of girls slightly older than myself... I was about 11 when that began.
6 months ago, I had a very sexual dream... of which I really don't remember the details.... and woke up experiencing orgasm for the first time. And that, somehow seemed to change me... I began to seek ways to experience that again... through masturbation, internet pornography, even encouraging my dog to do things that sexually stimulated me... and also indulging in exhibitionist behaviour, masturbating in public places, in lorry parks etc.
Looking back at that time makes me sick... I lost a couple of months of my life to compulsive behaviour.
Now I have things more under control.... but I am still looking for that pleasure... and I am afraid of where it will lead. I am looking at more and more hardcore pornography... at bondage and S&M sites... and fantasising about group sex..
I have twice contacted couples over the internet.. and backed out before meeting them
I hate myself... I feel dirty and evil.... but I don't know how to stop. And I am terrified that my husband will find out and I will lose my family... but at the same time, art of me wants that.
Last week I posted explicit pictures of myself on an internet site. I took them down the next day... but hundreds of people had seen them.

I want to get out of this before I go any further... but I don't know how..

(((adairc)))

I empathize with your struggles here. I had experianced some of those same issues when I was younger.

I think part of this comes from supressing who you really are to your husband. There are some people out there whose makeup and life experiances will never allow them to have what could be defined as the conventional relationship. If you desire to express yourself in unconventional ways its not necessarily evil, unless your force yourself on an entity that cannot consent.

First for your sake and your husband's sake you need to end the sham, sit him down privately and have a long talk with him. Better to confess now than let this go on. Sooner or later you will get caught unexpectedly and that will be far more devestating.

Second seek counseling from someone who specializes in issues involving gender confusion and sexual deviance and talk this out with them. Such a therapist can help you get a footing on who you are and what would make you really happy in your life.

Third develop your spirituality, I am not going to tell you a specific belief or religion to take up, you have to decide that on your own. Carnel indulgence with a spirtual perspective can lead to a lot of emptiness.

I am not sure what other advice I can offer, I hope this helps.

I wish you luck, and I hope you find the satisfaction you desperately seek.

Take care

TJ

What I see here is a person that was sexually abused as a child, therefore, you are extremely damaged inside from the trauma and what you have done now is to bond with your abuse as a means to try to heal from it - this is called Trauma Bonding - bonding to that which damaged you in the first place... down to the very act of liking females as they are the ones that abused you.

And I see you seeking more sexual pleasure as a means to try to deal with the sadness / unhappiness you feel inside...... you are trading your inner pain for the sexual pleasure you get from acting out in sexual ways... and going as far to step into the tabu of it all if it means you are satisfied, therefore, finally happy inside.

Did you know that we received a flood of happy hormones into our body when we have an orgasm..... self made or partner made.

Please know that you are not sick - you are just trying to survive in the best possible way you can right now...... ((( hugs ))).

Please forgive me as I forgot to suggest some solutions to the predicament you find your self in right now.

I personally used a few books to help me control my urges, mind and eyes.... and IF you do not mind a Christian over tone to the book I would suggest that you buy this one - as I did.

She Has a Secret
Understanding Female Sexual Addiction

http://www.booksamillion.com/ncom/bo...x=288&rate.y=5

Many other books by Dr. Douglas Weiss (as seen on Oprah) can be found on his website:

http://www.sexaddict.com/

Thank you. I am a Christian.... didn't mention that as I noticed the rules forbid religious discussion. And that makes it worse.. because I know what I am doing is wrong, and I know that God is the answer... but right now I can't hear Him... and that hurts too...
I will look for the book... thank you.

Just know that God is not beating you up over this...... He is still standing there with Arms Wide Open - with only LoVe to Share.

Thank you. I know... just feel too messed up to accept that love right now.
And yes, I know how stupid that is!