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#1
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This may fit elswhere but I've decided to put it here you'll see why...
I'm 22yr male. I grow up without father. Spending days with mother who enjoyed to always blame her "bad luck" for anything or even more the man who made the child and then runned away. We used to quarrel very often. We still do. I blame every failure of mine as being her fault, parents need to provide us help whenever necessary, they always must have "the right words", they always must have money, status...But alas non of that was true in my case, I feel. I remember as a child (about 10 yrs old or so) I was obsessed with money. I know it. I still keep my old diary. I was shaking in pain and kicking my feet because she couldn't afford me a PC, she couldn't afford me fancy videogames...I abused benzodiazepimes as a child to calm myself! But the biggest problem was the fact I was heavily overweight, with funny ears and, funny looking nose....everyone teased me to death. I even had them beat me up during mid-school. But money was scarce. I couldn't afford the surgery and my mom thought I didn't need one. On the beginning of high school I left home and went to live with my aunt in a big city. I still remember the feeling of those cold cloudy autumn days, new school, completly different people, fear...I just remember fear. Professors asking me to say my name and tell where did I came from, hundreds of miles away from home, they'd start questioning why...I couldn't tell. Everyone was looking. I thought everyone will make fun of my looks, some laughed I could feel that...But they'd never beat me up. After all they were my schoolmates. I spent 4 years in silence, concentrating on study, no one seemd to really notice me expect for when I was questioned by professors during classes. During high school I dropped weight. But still I was in need of surgery for my ears and nose, and new braces. When I had enough money, I scheduled the surgery myself without questioning my mother. It was done before my college. I remember telling the staff at hospital not to let her in my room after the surgery is complete, but nontheless someone let her...She was calm. Like she was expecting it all the time? Before college I never had real school buddies. Now I met one guy who turned out to be very popular, handsome, with rich father...All I ever dreamed about. And he was now my best buddy! The past was hidden, nobody could easily recognize me on the photos...Changes where dramatic. Chief surgeon actually told my mother: he is now another person. I even had to change my ID card's pic. All this time I never even noticed chicks (I mean girls)! I was ocuppied with myself. I haven't even noticed the people in general. What a girl could love me for a freak I was? Beside we had only few of them in my class in high-school and they all had much older boyfriends. I hated that. They were not for me. With 20yr. I was still a virgin. But not even thinking. I fell in love with the guy I mentioned, or maybe it was jealousy? I couldn't stop compare and thinking of him. I blamed my mother for not giving me the body as he have, not giving me the money he's father gives him...Once I was sleeping at his house during the night I completely freaked out and had panic attack...I wanted to kill him but coudn't...What a chicken I am. I was going mad, he had a girlfriend and the same thought that I actually *might* be in love with a man made me feel horrible...I envied. All the time. I runned away. We separated and stopped seeing each other. Since then I don't have many close buddies at college, here and there, but nothing...profound...Better. I don't have time. Then new obsession starded. Everyone talk about girlfriends! I wanted one! But being totally inexpirienced I didn't know where to start. I had 21yr. at the moment. I began studing dating and social psichology. Chick magned stuff and similar. Soon I had few attempts, and then now at 22yr. I really have something that can be called a steady girlfriend. She completely fell for me. Couldn't find any trait, any imperfection, although she describes herself as a perfectionist. Can you believe? We attempted sex on few ocassions, but I'm too nervous??!! I lose my erection just prior to penetration. I'm now going to see an urologist. Viagra haven't done much. It may be all in my head. But she is in a hurry...I'm in a hurry... My doc said to me: You have to lower the price of sex in your head. Great! Easily said than done! It's easy to lower the price of something you already have in abundance, but how you can lower the price of the feeling you have actually never expirienced before?? I don't know anything about sex, but know all about masturbation And currently I'm obsessed that I might have erectile dysfunction and for the past 3 weeks I've done absolutely nothing other than researching the topic on the internet! No I don't study, no I can't sleep, I can't help but... And still when a cute guy passes by I have that feeling of envy, jealosy...I fell inadequate...I fell like he is for instance going to find my girlfriend and steal it! And jealosy turns to an urge to posses....and urge to posses means..... But my girlfriend still turns me on! Just....I feel inadequate maybe? Or I'm turned on, but not turned on enough? How we can measure that one? If only someone could teach me to appreciate my life and the female body, and stop hating girls for the fact they're always offered the seat in a bus! Ahhhhh And yes, I'm constantly analysing everything. Anyone? |
#2
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I am sorry that you are having such erratic feelings flowing in you.... I personally feel that these feelings you have been dealing with over the last few years are emotional based and that seeing a T could help you peal a part the past so you can look at each individual wound and heal from them so they no longer control you in the present.
I would start with talking about the absence of your father and how desperately wanting a male figure to love you and to love in return has resulted in you having past feelings for another male - your ideal father figure, the man that could give you what your mother & father couldn't. Then I would talk about how your anger and resentment toward your mother is disrupting your present attempts to have a normal relationship with females today. Good Luck... and know that I am hear to listen if you need a friend. * * * * and NO - as a person that has DID - I do not feel that you have it, but you are emotional scared and wounded from your past. |
#3
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i agree with rhapsody - i think therapy would be useful for you in healing your wounds so that you can start relating to the here and now in a happier way
![]() also, i dont think you have multiple personality disorder, at all. |
#4
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Yes - you're doing the right think talking about it. Talking with a counsellor will help you clarify things and prevent you jumping to conclusions, which is what self-diagnosis can amount to. Look after yourself!
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