[LUTE20]

When I started out as a tween. I liked guys and girls. But I only acted on my attraction to guys because the opportunity with girls didn't come available. I was socially seen as gay so most girls weren't attracted to that understandably so. I would have relationships with guys but it was always the bad ones it seems like I'd always be attracted to bad boys who would just play me basically. I got in really terrible relationships one where this guy who was almost 18 would lie to me about breaking up with his gf yet still would be with her all to just get in my pants. I had had several female crushes during this time. I would have throughout my high school years relationships with guys because at school that's what I was I was gay. I had several instances where I would make out with a girl at parties. I was mainly boy crazy. In college that's when I started dating girls and guys equally. I prefer sex with someone who has a penis I have always thought female parts looked a little odd. I am not the type of person that likes **** sex or something a girl or guy could do. I actually really like enjoy the act of frottage more than any other sexual act. So sexually I have always been more pleased by men. I find more men attractive and think there's more natural beauty with men than women in general anyway. But the thing is like with relationships things always go wrong and I always get in relationships with guys who are no good or aren't supposed to be with me. I never chose correctly. While when I have had relationships with girls it's lasted. In fact I'm in a relationship with a girl right now. That's lasted a year and a half. Before that I was in a relationship with another girl that ended uneventful no drama and before that with a girl that lasted 7 months which was my longest relationship. I enjoyed the relationships for the most part. The sex wasn't as great. But really all I want out of a relationship is to bond grow together and thatconnection I just couldn't find better with guys. I normally get along much better with girls than guys really. I never could connect with my boyfriends. I just wanted to **** nothing else. I never felt wanted I just wanted to feel like more than just good for one thing. I always felt used and abused. I tend to seemingly be more attracted to women than men in the romantic eyes. I am not repulsed by dating a guy it just never works. While I've dated girls things work out easier. With sexual attraction I've always liked guys their bodies and the like, but I can get off just fine with a girl. I'm not repulsed by the sex with one. Anyhow is it odd to have opposing romantic v. sexual desires? I mean usually I've heard they include each other for me they seem to oppose each really. Advice?

[LUTE20]

anyone advice?

[buzz bee]

Not really. I guess this is something that will work itself off in time. Sorry

[LUTE20]

Originally Posted by buzz bee

Not really. I guess this is something that will work itself off in time. Sorry

I think it has already.

[spondiferous]

Hi LUTE20. Have you considered becoming polyamorous? I'm not sure how you feel about the idea of openly being with more than one person. And I'm not sure how your girlfriend would feel about it either, or if she even knows that you are attracted to men sexually. But there is nothing wrong with romantically wanting to be in a relationship with someone who can give you the emotional and physical stability you need (ie. a woman) and still date men, who will satisfy you more sexually. There are all kinds of arrangements in polyamorous relationships, and it's something that may be based on agreements between you and your girlfriend, if you decide to make that your primary relationship.
That would be my first thought. Other than that, I'm not really sure. I have a friend who is married to her husband. They have been married a long time (over ten years) and are quite close. But she is bisexual and he is gay - they don't have sex at all. Due to his religious upbringing and his family's views on homosexuality, he thought it would be safer in general to marry a woman. And they just both happened to want something more for themselves and so they both date other people. So she has another boyfriend - sometimes has up to two, she doesn't like having any more than that as spending time with her husband is still a big priority for her - and he dates other men. They're very happy with that arrangement, and as a result they have a very strong marriage. I read something once that lust or desire or sexual attraction should actually be a very small part of a marriage (some will agree, some will disagree). The most important thing is, what else are you hoping to get out of it? Is there mutual understanding and respect? Does it support you in other ways that you don't get elsewhere? There are all kinds of reasons to be in a relationship. Being "in love" and "in lust" at the same time might not happen for everyone, and I think one of the mistakes people make is assuming that both are required for a healthy relationship. A healthy relationship is where both parties are open and honest about what they want and don't want, and negotiate with each other. Whether that relationship is based on love, sex, a sense of safety or security, shared interests, or something else entirely, will vary from person to person. I hope this makes sense. Basically what I'm trying to say is, there's absolutely nothing wrong with having relationship sensibilities and feelings of desire not entirely line up together. The most important thing is that both you and your partner are on the same page about it.

[LUTE20]

I've had a gf and bf at the same time twice My boyfriend didn't want me to see her but I told him he could stay or leave and he stayed for a little while. I had dated a guy and a girl at the same time. But I think my girl at the time got insecure. I don't really have a desire to be with a man sure it would be physically enjoyable but I'm just fine with my girlfriend. I think I just made this after a night of bad sex but I'm fine now.

Originally Posted by spondiferous

Hi LUTE20. Have you considered becoming polyamorous? I'm not sure how you feel about the idea of openly being with more than one person. And I'm not sure how your girlfriend would feel about it either, or if she even knows that you are attracted to men sexually. But there is nothing wrong with romantically wanting to be in a relationship with someone who can give you the emotional and physical stability you need (ie. a woman) and still date men, who will satisfy you more sexually. There are all kinds of arrangements in polyamorous relationships, and it's something that may be based on agreements between you and your girlfriend, if you decide to make that your primary relationship.
That would be my first thought. Other than that, I'm not really sure. I have a friend who is married to her husband. They have been married a long time (over ten years) and are quite close. But she is bisexual and he is gay - they don't have sex at all. Due to his religious upbringing and his family's views on homosexuality, he thought it would be safer in general to marry a woman. And they just both happened to want something more for themselves and so they both date other people. So she has another boyfriend - sometimes has up to two, she doesn't like having any more than that as spending time with her husband is still a big priority for her - and he dates other men. They're very happy with that arrangement, and as a result they have a very strong marriage. I read something once that lust or desire or sexual attraction should actually be a very small part of a marriage (some will agree, some will disagree). The most important thing is, what else are you hoping to get out of it? Is there mutual understanding and respect? Does it support you in other ways that you don't get elsewhere? There are all kinds of reasons to be in a relationship. Being "in love" and "in lust" at the same time might not happen for everyone, and I think one of the mistakes people make is assuming that both are required for a healthy relationship. A healthy relationship is where both parties are open and honest about what they want and don't want, and negotiate with each other. Whether that relationship is based on love, sex, a sense of safety or security, shared interests, or something else entirely, will vary from person to person. I hope this makes sense. Basically what I'm trying to say is, there's absolutely nothing wrong with having relationship sensibilities and feelings of desire not entirely line up together. The most important thing is that both you and your partner are on the same page about it.

[spondiferous]

Glad to hear it.

Originally Posted by LUTE20

... is it odd to have opposing romantic v. sexual desires? I mean usually I've heard they include each other for me they seem to oppose each really. Advice?

Okay, I'm going to weigh in here, Lute20. I have a bit of a unique perspective, I think. I am an older male who has been married for over 30 years. But I have also been transgendered (MtF transsexual) my entire life. But I never transitioned.

I'm not at all knowledgeable with regard to the gay lifestyle. So, you'll have to pardon me if I slide unwittingly into social stereotyping. But my impression is that the types of relationships you've experienced with men is common within the gay community. Long-term intimate relationships such as married people (at least in theory) experience are more difficult to establish. (This may be due to the fact that gay & lesbian persons are only now beginning to gain the right to marry.)

Anyway, again from my limited perspective, I just think that women are more prone to establish long-term permanent relationships than are men. (This just makes sense, really, if you look at it from an evolutionary perspective.) So to me the experiences you've had creating relationships, with men on the one hand & women on the other, make perfect sense. This is what I would expect.

So it seems to me you have 3 choices. One is you can continue to pursue relationships with men in the hopes of eventually meeting a man who is interested in a long-term stable relationship, possibly including marriage, if that's something you want. You can do the same thing with women. Date women until you meet one you can establish a long-term relationship with, including marriage, if you want that. Or the 3rd choice would be to try to find a partner who has the same predilections you do in the hopes of establishing a long-term but open partnership or marriage.

The thing I want to stress though is: whatever you decide be up-front with your partner about your sexuality. From what I read it sounds like this would be particularly important should you find yourself developing a long-term relationship with a woman because I would suspect that the greater sexual attraction you experience for men is likely to demand that you seek out male relationships even if you should marry a woman.

The reason I hold this perspective is because I always believed that I could keep my trans-ness a secret & be married to a woman. And it is true that I did it for quite a long time. (If I had just died at a younger age, I would have succeeded!) But as it is, in the end, my circumstances drove me to 2 suicide attempts & a whole lifetime of sneaking around trying to assuage my trans feeling while maintaining the outward appearance of a happily married man. In retrospect, it was not fair either to myself or my wife. But, at the time, it was all I knew to do & all I was capable of doing. Be up-front with any prospective long-term partners you have. From my perspective, that's the most important thing whichever way you go.

[LUTE20]

I never sought out married men it was more they sought out me and then lied. One I was with knowing but his wife knew so it wasn't anything. But he was more a SD than anything.

Originally Posted by The Skeezyks

Okay, I'm going to weigh in here, Lute20. I have a bit of a unique perspective, I think. I am an older male who has been married for over 30 years. But I have also been transgendered (MtF transsexual) my entire life. But I never transitioned.

I'm not at all knowledgeable with regard to the gay lifestyle. So, you'll have to pardon me if I slide unwittingly into social stereotyping. But my impression is that the types of relationships you've experienced with men is common within the gay community. Long-term intimate relationships such as married people (at least in theory) experience are more difficult to establish. (This may be due to the fact that gay & lesbian persons are only now beginning to gain the right to marry.)

Anyway, again from my limited perspective, I just think that women are more prone to establish long-term permanent relationships than are men. (This just makes sense, really, if you look at it from an evolutionary perspective.) So to me the experiences you've had creating relationships, with men on the one hand & women on the other, make perfect sense. This is what I would expect.

So it seems to me you have 3 choices. One is you can continue to pursue relationships with men in the hopes of eventually meeting a man who is interested in a long-term stable relationship, possibly including marriage, if that's something you want. You can do the same thing with women. Date women until you meet one you can establish a long-term relationship with, including marriage, if you want that. Or the 3rd choice would be to try to find a partner who has the same predilections you do in the hopes of establishing a long-term but open partnership or marriage.

The thing I want to stress though is: whatever you decide be up-front with your partner about your sexuality. From what I read it sounds like this would be particularly important should you find yourself developing a long-term relationship with a woman because I would suspect that the greater sexual attraction you experience for men is likely to demand that you seek out male relationships even if you should marry a woman.

The reason I hold this perspective is because I always believed that I could keep my trans-ness a secret & be married to a woman. And it is true that I did it for quite a long time. (If I had just died at a younger age, I would have succeeded!) But as it is, in the end, my circumstances drove me to 2 suicide attempts & a whole lifetime of sneaking around trying to assuage my trans feeling while maintaining the outward appearance of a happily married man. In retrospect, it was not fair either to myself or my wife. But, at the time, it was all I knew to do & all I was capable of doing. Be up-front with any prospective long-term partners you have. From my perspective, that's the most important thing whichever way you go.

Right now I'm ok with my woman. I'm not sure later on she knows exactly how I am sexually well for the most part. So it would be no surprise to her. I do sometimes want a man in my sex life. I actually have a lot of dreams/fantasies about a guy recently. But I don't think it's healthy right now for my family or relationship as it is now. And plus it's more a fantasy than realistic in any sense.

I'm so sorry about the journey you had to go through I hope things are good for you now.