[allieautopsy]

i cant sleep right now because i can think about is him..
im not even suppossed to talk to him.
but i do. and i lie about it.
im a horrible fiancee for it.
its not ohkay anymore.
i still need him.
i still love him.
i still want him.
im so mad at him for everything he did to me.
for all the times he hurt me.
im so mad at myself for letting it happen over and over the past year.
im mad at my fiancee for making me stop talking to him even though i know its right.
im mad that the only person on this earth i can talk too anymore is 3000 miles away. this is not ohkay.
this has built up so much that i cant sleep because im afraid of waking up again. im afraid that im gunna wake up and my life is somehow gunna get worse then it already is. that maybe this isnt rock bottom and that it really can and will get worse before it gets better.
i didnt know it was possible to feel like this because of a stupid boy.
and ex.
im engaged. this is not suppossed to be happening right now.
i want to ask if anyone can help me because i know somebody out there has to know what im going through and has to know exactly how i feel and what to do to make this horrible feeling go away.
but i also know that honestly i wouldnt listen if i heard the right advice.
god what is wrong with me.
am i so messed up that im just going to continue to feel like this until i cant take it anymore and off myself or what?
i havnt slept more then 2 hours a night in 2 weeks
please help me

[Gojamadar]

Originally Posted by allieautopsy

i cant sleep right now because i can think about is him..
im not even suppossed to talk to him.
but i do. and i lie about it.
im a horrible fiancee for it.
its not ohkay anymore.
i still need him.
i still love him.
i still want him.
im so mad at him for everything he did to me.
for all the times he hurt me.
im so mad at myself for letting it happen over and over the past year.
im mad at my fiancee for making me stop talking to him even though i know its right.
im mad that the only person on this earth i can talk too anymore is 3000 miles away. this is not ohkay.
this has built up so much that i cant sleep because im afraid of waking up again. im afraid that im gunna wake up and my life is somehow gunna get worse then it already is. that maybe this isnt rock bottom and that it really can and will get worse before it gets better.
i didnt know it was possible to feel like this because of a stupid boy.
and ex.
im engaged. this is not suppossed to be happening right now.
i want to ask if anyone can help me because i know somebody out there has to know what im going through and has to know exactly how i feel and what to do to make this horrible feeling go away.
but i also know that honestly i wouldnt listen if i heard the right advice.
god what is wrong with me.
am i so messed up that im just going to continue to feel like this until i cant take it anymore and off myself or what?
i havnt slept more then 2 hours a night in 2 weeks
please help me

Hi,
Get yourself out to a disco or dance and get someone else as fast as you can! Get mixing! The world does not revolve around one stupid boy!

[Nupoet64]

In my opinion and experience, you are grieving the loss of one....while latching onto another. And somewhere in the mix is the feeling that you do not deserve better.
I would suggest getign out, meeting other people, but let yourself work through the grief. Rehashing with him is not the best way. Cutting ties is often better, especially where abuse is concerned. But the best place to start is looking in the mirror. Not that you did anything wrong, but to see why, what is it tht makes you feel so desperate for the boy? Is it because you feel you only deserve to be treated wrong? Maybe seek some help with self-worth. There is a wonderful book that you can get on online, "The Significance Syndrome" it is a small book that is easy to read, but had profound insite into why we do the things we do.
I would talk honestly and openly with the "fiancee" and keep it as just an ingagement, until you process all of the things you need to in order to have a happy relationship. Rebound relationships are often our desperate attempt to just not be alone in the world.
Make a list, divided into 4 columns, what you need in a relationship, what you want in one, what you can negociate adn what you absolutely will not tolerate. Be honest. When it is in black and white, it is easier to see what we are chasing adn why. But stick to your list, if they do not fit it, move on.

[Nupoet64]

It could also be that the current relationship is moving too fast and you are running backwards because you know deep inside it will stop the forward momentum. I am just laying out possibilities.
Good Luck

[allieautopsy]

thanks nu
i really dont know..im head over heels in love with this guy im with. i mean thats why im marrying him
the other guy, my ex, is across the country from me now and he was pretty much out of sight out of mind but i saw him this summer..and everything rushed back. enough that i cheated on my fiancee..
i told him what happened and we agreed i wouldnt talk to him anymore. so i didnt. for a couple weeks but latley ive been talking to him more. i deleted his number from my phone so i wwouldnt be tempted to text him or call him but when he calls me i cant hellp but answer

[lorna]

Best Wishes, Life is confusin I hope you make the right decisions.

[Nupoet64]

Indeed, Lorna. I hope so, as well.

[sugahorse1]

I've been in that position. For the sake of your current relationship, it's not fair.

And unfortunately it does take time to heal from a previous relationship. Cutting all ties for a minimum of 6 months is a necessity. Thereafter you need to be 100% honest with yourself and decide if you still feel love for your ex. If yes - wait another 6 months.

You have to cut him out of your life - do not even contemplate being friends, as your old feelings will just resurface.