[wendigo]

Hello,

I'm new here and am not quite sure how everything works yet but I figured I would start here since the nightmares I've been having seems to be the root of the rest of my problems. I really need some sort of feedback of any kind just to know someone is there.

I've had terrible extremely vivid nightmares ever since I was a really young child which have never gone away on any medication and only will subside after a night of heavy heavy drinking (which as you may guess has caused it's own set of problems). The nightmares get worse after taking any type of sleeping pill (I've tried hydroxyzine and trazedone to ill effect).
There are some periods of time where they get quite unbearable and I end up waking 3-9 times a night by getting woken up from the nightmares.
Most recently (the past 9 months or so) they have been really really unbearably awful and incredibly vivid. The main recurring themes have been cannibalism (usually forced self cannibalism in some way or another), rape, and torture by amputation. I've done a good job lately of not allowing myself to look or read anything scary or upsetting but they come anyway.

At this point of time (past two months) when I am able to fall asleep, I've been waking two or three times minimum a night crying or screaming which has caused me a lot of distress. I've developed some really bad insomnia along with it and have been experiencing some really concerning full blown psychotic breakdowns (disassociation, only speaking in numbers, visual hallucinations and manifestations of dream characters, violent actions, twitches) and extreme paranoia to the point that I check my door lock once an hour and have blocked my windows off. I also have tape over all electronic devices with webcams or places where people could be watching me from. These breakdowns have been becoming more and more frequent and I have them about twice a week. I can never relax and it's causing me such exhaustion. Even when I wake, I feel worn and scarred emotionally and physically.

I really think all of this is rooted in my nightmares and I can't stop it and it's getting unbearable. My doctor just put me on Seroquel and Zoloft (for other problems). I sought professional help and have not had any relief.
What are your thoughts about how these things connect to each other?

[MudCrab]

I sought professional help and have not had any relief.

Hello, wendigo. My suggestion is to print a copy of your post for your treatment team. What they are trying is not working.

[wendigo]

At this point in time I can't get into anyone for at least a month.

Recently, also, my dreams have taken a very religious tone although I don't consider myself Christian.

This may be graphic for some people just a warning..

Last night I had a dream I was a martyr. Perhaps Joan of Ark. Men in armor made me sit with my back against an open flame and I could physically feel the pain of the fire burning away my skin. They then threw an infant into the fire and I dove in and took it out but.. it was much too late and I'd rather not describe in detail what it looked like or what the soldiers were saying about it. Then the men in armor proceeded in forcing me to crucify myself- first by making me nail my feet, then my hand to the crucifix. The free hand was taken care of by them. Then they set me over the fire. I did not wake until the fire had died down.

[Eyes of Blue]

The Martyr Dream: Dreaming of being a martyr would indicate that you are identifying yourself as being someone who makes great sacrifices or suffers much in order to further a belief, cause, or principle, or simply as someone who endures great suffering. Being a martyr can also imply making a martyr out of yourself by doing things which are difficult or unpleasant for you, often when it is not necessary.

Men in armour represent aspects of your own mind showing that your mind has taken on a war-like function. Yet in this scene your thinking is not focused upon fighting ideas (other men) but rather on inflicting pain on your body which represents your emotional nature. The armoured men suggest a mind and way of thinking that protects itself but not your emotional nature. [This can happen when one mentally supports human philosophies or principles which real feelings do not support.]

The fire which actually burns your skin would reflect some very dangerous, illogical thinking. Placing you with your back against the open flame implies the mind’s intent upon destroying your natural self defensiveness.(the skin gets burnt) This situation can literally be seen as a “skin off your back” type situation, meaning there is a great loss to yourself. The scene can also suggest being subjected to the power of God in a way that creates the impression of going through hell. [Note that God was involved in the Joan of Arc case.]

The infant thrown into the fire indicates that there is a wish to enlighten the body which in this case is also representing an innocent aspect of yourself; to give it greater knowledge and awareness, yet here the mind is doing this at the cost of physical body. Being thrown into the fire can also imply letting the body experience the power of God or psychological hell. [This can refer to recriminations which does cause body health problems.] You appear to have done the utmost to prevent this from happening (dove into the fire and took infant out) but to no avail. The damage was done to the body and emotional nature and the damage is indescribable.

Your mind has forced you to condemn yourself (forcing me to crucify myself) [Note the idea of recriminations – imputing blame or guilt upon yourself.] The point (the nail) of the recriminations, guilt or blame was first applied to your own instinctive understanding. (first making me nail my feet) Next it was applied to the acts of the hand – to the things you do or did. You no longer had a free hand to act as your nature inclined you to. (the free hand was taken care of) Your emotional nature was subjected to cruel and inhuman punishment. (set over a fire) Set over a fire can also suggest the idea of burning in hell. Today we sometimes speak of a person being “roasted” – having all their flaws and errors and weaknesses revealed. The dream indicates that you will come to a greater state of awareness (wake up) about your situation only when the illogical thinking that is putting you through hell ceases. Note that when a fire is not fed with more fuel, it does die down.

[This appears to be a beginning guide to getting out of the situation you are now in. First one needs to understand what has happened. The next step here would be to ask for dreams showing where you are using illogical thinking so you can work more effectively on your way of thinking. Hope this is helpful. I wish you all the best.]

[Longcat]

I can't remember where, but I have read sleep issues can cause depression and other similar issues like anxiety and vise versa. It might be helpful to get a sleep study done and make sure you are getting the correct sleep. You might be stuck in the dream phase longer than most, making the dream last longer than it should.