[redsky]

Hello everyone, this is my first post ever regarding the issues that I have. First I've been battling with a lot of self doubt for a few years which has made me depressed and anxious though I've never been diagnosed but I have been to a psychiatrist a few times which offered little to no help to me.

For the past two months I've locked myself in my room because I really have no one to turn to, no friends to talk to. I just started college again, which I'm happy to be at because I get to be around people, but I have a hard time taking that first step to be friend someone. There has been people who have tried to talk to me but I really can't think of anything say for some reason. I think of myself as a nice person, but I've come to the conclusion that my quietness says other wise, and everyone just thinks I'm weird.

A few days ago I sort of had a breakdown and I think I was having a panic attack which lasted for a few hours. And im certain the trigger was loneliness. It finally stopped when an old aquaintance, who is this amazing girl messaged me on Facebook.

I feel like I go through this allot, where Im hit with loneliness and despair followed by extreme optimism till something in my life triggers and I start spiraling.

Then I started having these really vivid disturbing dreams where I feel angry, afraid,betrayed,and alone.And I wake up only being out for 2 hours and I can't fall back asleep after another few hours. Then I have another disturbing dream, and my talking in my sleep wakes me up. I wake up feeling absolutely anxious and it affects the rest of my day. I tried going to school today but I just couldn't do it, couldn't think didn't want to talk to anyone even if.i wanted to.and came home to sleep because I was exhausted. And I had another one of those dreams where all I feel is total ****. I know they are just dreams, but they manifest from somewhere in my head, and im trying to change, I haven't always been like this. I used to be a happy person. I feel much calmer now then I was a few hours ago. I smoke cigarettes like a chimney and suspecting that could be a problem. Sorry for the long post. I just want these dreams to stop because its keeping me from achieving my real goals in life that will make me feel whole again. Any Ideas? Thanks!

Hey red, I gotta say, you said a lot. You also seem to have plenty of self-awareness. What I'm hearing you say is that you believe you have some issues, and you've got this laundry list of symptoms, events and feelings scattered like so many pieces of paper on your mental desk that will help identify the root cause.

These forums are great because no one will judge you. It's completely safe, and if you say hi on the new member intro forum, there'll be any number of people who have gone through exactly what you're feeling. It's often very helpful to start at hello and see where it takes you. That goes for getting help and making friends.

I have a couple stories you might want to keep in mind. I had a psychotic break about 5 years ago now. So I've met a lot of psychiatrists. All of them had the same physical deformity: no ears.

I have this mental picture of you telling them this story while going a mile a minute and seeing a thought bubble appear over their head picturing the sandwich they had for lunch. I'm actually surprised they didn't just write you paper for Ativan and tell you to come back in three weeks.

I didn't have awesome psychologists either, but they all had two ears and had enough patience to ask questions. They'll want to get to know you over a few weeks. And if you're keeping track, they'll help you tie the loose ends together --- plus recommend psychs that they work with.

When I was in college, they had these services. I stopped going when I said hi to my therapist walking down a corridor and she didn't recognize me. If I knew what I did now, I wouldn't have been so passive in our talks that she forgot me. So just food for thought.