[joacobanfield]

So, after watching a certain animated film about Emotions, I got a very weird dream.
A re-enactment of said film, applied to past events of my life (PAS, But mostly excessive, persistent bullying) except it was a little different.
However, the most disturbing part is about a fictional character (Percy Jackson, who I was fascinated with at age 12, including thinking that I belonged in that universe as means to escape reality. I add that I do not longer do that. )
However, the most disturbing part and the one I am seeking interpretation for is when Jackson gives his life for me to be able to feel Joy again (YES, I dreamt about Inside Out. Feel free to laugh)
Especially since at that time of the dream I was finishing the last book of the series.
After that, said books became a trigger for self-diagnosed moderate CPTSD.
I nean finishing the books. Not ending the dream.
Any thoughts?
Please. I need this.
Pd: At the time of his death, It was January. The dream happened on Friends Day (ironically). However between both things I changed a lot. Primarily the acknowledgment of my issues (The mentioned, and BoPD and mania)

[healingme4me]

Maybe it's your subconscious looking to have you be your own friend, dying is old self that escapes reality and bring joy back to your life? Hence the zest in researching all you did after, as inspired to obtain joy and feel friendly to yourself?

[joacobanfield]

Thanks. That...makes sense
I have a few close friends, but feel neglected and fear abandonment (symptoms of Borderline).
"Old self that escapes reality" Hm...I think I understand. Said belief to escape reality was a cause of my trauma. (A cause, not the only one). About bringing joy back...Well, yes. I had felt depression for 3 Years and had not known it. Being hypomaniac is a sort of compensation for me...
I had started researching that deep after the movie hit me emotionally.
The hypomania started a bit later. As feeling friendly to myself, well, hypomaina.
I believe I may also be schizophrenic. I speak with voices inside my head, but do not suffer hallucinations or other symptoms.