[SorryShaped]

I keep having dreams where I'm being attacked by people with chainsaws, knives, sledgehammers, swords, and even explosives. The big thing is that they kill me. I feel my final moments and things go slowly black. My sleep tracker shows it as sleeping time but pulse falls dramatically, into the 30s even, for several minutes before I wake up. When I do wake, my whole body shudders and hurts for a long time, like all day sometimes.
Before you ask me, I do not watch horror movies, ever, because I find them laughable. My mind is much more scary.
I'm going through a rough time right now anyway. I was released from hospital for suicidality almost a month ago. I'm also bipolar 1 and the racing thoughts have been back about 2 months, but I'd been free of them for several months, which was something new, as in I'd always had them. I'm about to be homeless, by choice, because I want not to need it depend on others for a while. I plan to live in my vehicle and just drive South where it's warmer, then West if needed too

[Thunder Bow]

You might of fet that way as a child due to continuing abuse. Your mind is now starting to deal with those feelings. Stay in Therapy and work on them.

[SorryShaped]

Originally Posted by Thunder Bow

You might of fet that way as a child due to continuing abuse. Your mind is now starting to deal with those feelings. Stay in Therapy and work on them.

Thank you for your reply.

My childhood had a lot of emotional unavailability. I knew something was wrong at 7, when I told my parents I wanted to die. They conceived I was "throwing a fit" and punished me (corner and spanking) which didn't help. I'm 43 and I'm still stuck in that mess. I wasn't diagnosed bipolar one until well over 20 years later.
I never had a healthy relationship with anyone. I can't figure this out because I don't have a reference.

[Thunder Bow]

The point of reference is your childhood. Enjoy your journey.