[Albatross2008]

I’m approaching 60, but in my dream I must have been a teenager again. I was out working, and when I went home, it was to my mother instead of my husband.

It was some sort of work program. A bunch of us were supposed to be gathering and then selling these thing-a-ma-whatsits. I gathered and sold quite a number, made good money, and headed for home. One man had bought some thing-a-ma-whatsits from me and paid with a check for $100. Later on, that man tried to pickpocket me. I fought him (the second dream in a row that I had about getting into a fight) and got back what was rightfully mine.

But then he followed me home and told my mother that I had mugged him, not the other way around. My mother looked through my pockets and found the money, plus the check that *he* had written out to *me,* and she never once considered that he might be lying. “I’m ashamed of you. You know better than to take things from people.” She gave it all to him, leaving me nothing to show for the work I had put in. Didn’t occur to her that I was anything other than guilty as charged. Wouldn’t listen to me trying to say it was my money and he was the one who was trying to take it from me. She just handed it all over, and he’s like, “Thank you, ma’am,” and leaves.

Your insight? Thank you.

[TheGal]

It sounds to me that perhaps you haven't been recognized for your goodness and your achievements.

And that somewhere you do not feel safe.

What are your thoughts?

[Albatross2008]

I think the most disturbing part of the dream was to have my mother automatically assume, without even hearing my side of things, that I was guilty. Since it's true, I do know better than to take things from other people--why would I? To be so misunderstood by the one person in my life who should have known me best, I believe, was worse than losing all the money I had worked so hard for. In real life, the fact is that nothing I ever do will be good enough for my mother. Although she may say--even insist--that she's proud of me and loves me unconditionally, in reality she does not, has never, and never will. She loves motherhood. She loves some idealized version of me that she created in her head, and wants to make me conform to. But she does not love me, as I am.

I think it's safe to say no choice I have ever made in my adult life has been the right one. Get a job, and that's nice dear, but the work is so menial and the pay is so low. You could find a much better job if you'd only try. Start looking for a higher level position, and they're never going to hire me, because I don't have a professional enough persona. Rent an apartment, and it's stupid to pour so much money into rent when there are other places out there going for so much less. Move to a cheaper place, and now the neighborhood is so unsafe! Why would I want to live there? Have a boyfriend and want to get married, and I'm going to be miserable, because that man is not good for me. But then if I want to end the relationship, I should try to make it work, and maybe he treated me that way because of some flaw of mine. See? I never make the right choice, even if it's the choice she told me I should make to begin with!

I mean, I could single-handedly find a cure for cancer, and she'd only say, "That's nice, but you need to lose weight."

It's not the first dream I've had of being a teenager again and having her believe I've done something wrong when I haven't.

[TheGal]

Originally Posted by Arbie

I think the most disturbing part of the dream was to have my mother automatically assume, without even hearing my side of things, that I was guilty.

In real life, the fact is that nothing I ever do will be good enough for my mother. Although she may say--even insist--that she's proud of me and loves me unconditionally, in reality she does not, has never, and never will.


I mean, I could single-handedly find a cure for cancer, and she'd only say, "That's nice, but you need to lose weight."

It's not the first dream I've had of being a teenager again and having her believe I've done something wrong when I haven't.

((((Arbie))))

My family is so screwed up, too. I grew up with my nan and she'd say; "Why don't you BE Somebody?" Then, when you were feeling good about yourself, she'd say: "Who in the heck do you think you are?"

Terrible back-and-forth mixed messages... the best to do is to step away, imo.

Do you stand up to your mother? Given your dream and the history of injustice, I'd say you need to protect yourself.

There's a book called Toxic Parents that you can get from the library or used at abebooks.com... Also a book called The Gentle Art of Verbal Self-Defence.

I bring up the first book because it sounds like your mom is never going to admit she's wrong and apologize to you and that's something you'll need to grieve in order to find some sort of closure.

The dream really does make sense given what you've lived through and are still living through by the sounds of it.

I hope you feel better ...