Ptsd flashback insomnia and nightmares

By the end of this month, July, it marks one year since I left a really abusive relationship I was in while I was a minor, 16-17, with a man 15 years older than me. I didn’t realise it at the time but it’s really hitting now. I mean, in the beginning I didn’t realise how bad it was. I was just lonely and I guess he groomed me and love bombed me which made me feel special. But after all the verbal, emotional, and even some physical abuse where I would cry like 4 times a week and was coerced and forced to do things in the bedroom I didn’t want to. Few months after it caused psychosis from the ptsd and chronic cannabis use, now I don’t smoke weed anymore since 8 months ago, yay me! But now sometimes I drink to ease the pain. Tonight I think the drinking perpetuated the insomnia. Last few weeks I’ve had quite a few night mares, flashbacks, and insomnia. Which I’m experiencing right now. I’ve cried quite a bit. I’m 18 and recently had a knee injury which caused my mom to sleep next to me again and it’s helped with the insomnia but she says I move too much so she went to sleep somewhere else. I feel ashamed and sad. No friends, my mom is my best friend. I feel broken and used. I feel ashamed for the things I did while I was with that evil man and after while in psychosis. I’m also ashamed and regretful of the pain I caused my mom. Even though she says I’m the best she could ever ask for. I’m really attached to her and it hurts that while I was with him and sometime after while I was still smoking I was really distant and mean to my family. I feel intense regret. Tonight I cried and begged god to erase those horrible memories. Thank you for reading.

I am so sorry that you have suffered those horrible things in your life. It is absolutely heartbreaking. I am also sorry that you continue to suffer the after effects of those ordeals. Wish I knew what to say to help. My heart goes out to you.

Please don't mentally beat yourself up. You were young and loneliness is something that drives all of us to do things we regret. I think it was the loneliness and not you who is to blame. I myself have regrets over what loneliness sometimes drove me to do in my life. You are a survivor and that is an accomplishment in itself. People who have not endured these things cannot really understand.

Sorry I do not know what to say to ease your pain. I hope and pray that you will be okay.

Thank you so much, I will cherish your words and remind myself of them when things get hard.

Hey superpower. What is your superpower?
Please don’t blame yourself, we all have regrets, which are us just hanging onto pain because we either don’t know how or don’t want to shift away from our anger or fear.
It’s a crazy thing to think, but for your sake forgive this man and be rid of him from your heart and then forgive yourself because you did nothing wrong.
Wise folks say that you will think 95% of the same thoughts as you did yesterday, make that 5% count, be kind to yourself, tell yourself something new, something compassionate, you need you on our side.
You are already good, nothing needs to be done except for you to believe it.
All the love ❤️ you have the power!