[beautiful_breakdown]

Nexy Friday, I'm going under the knife and getting my tonsils out. I've read many times it's risky for adults to do this, but I have to. So... after the surgery I have to quit.

The only thing is, it's become a bit of a weird addiction for me. As far as the normal smoking goes.

I've smoked since before I met my H 10 years ago and he doesn't smoke. I got pregnant twice and quit both times, but each time, after about a month of having my girls, I started smoking again. That's when H started convincing me people shouldn't know I smoke. So for years now I've been hiding it from everybody. Over time this has made me stop doing social things, wanting to just stay home, so I wouldn't have to go for hours without smoking. Like last weekend. H wanted to go to the zoo with the girls and I. I love the zoo! But as usual, because I know I'd have to go all day without smoking, I didn't go, and sat at home wishing I was there. He does all kinds of things with them on the weekends and I stay home because of this. Same thing with friends. Many years ago I did have a friend or two. But because I was hiding this secret I'd turn them down when they'd ask me to do things and of course eventually they stopped asking.

This addiction has isolated me from people for about 4 years now, and I can't wait to get rid of it!! I'm going to smoke my last one right before surgery and have the patch waiting for when I'm on my way home. I hope my plan works, I gotta get rid of this terrible habit.

Can I ask why your husband wants you to hide smoking from other people?
Good luck with the operation and giving up smoking.

[Perna]

I would look forward to going out with your family rather than having to quit because of an operation? What is going to make this time different from the two when you had your daughters?

Good luck with both the operation and your quitting goals.

[beautiful_breakdown]

Good question. I think he sees smokers as kind of lesser people. He's always thrown in comments about smoking that come across as people who smoke really do nothing in life and are nothing. Not in those exact words, but the meaning is the same. It's hard to explain. He thinks that people who are smart and do things worthwhile in thier life don't have crutches like smoking.

[Perna]

I'd watch out that you aren't "rebelling" against what you perceive as your husband's rules and fighting a marriage power struggle war through the smoking/not smoking; not healthy for you or the marriage?

[beautiful_breakdown]

Perna: I'm not sure if it is different than when I quit before. I'm just hoping it will be. I do look forward to doing things as a family finally. I wish I didn't let this go how it has. I feel tremendous guilt that I've secluded myself like this.

There's a lot wrong with how our marriage is right now. I don't think we'd be together if it weren't for the girls. But that's a whole other topic!