[SeptemberMorn]

I've posted those three words before, but it has occurred to me that there wasn't much of an explanation given with it.

Whenever we find ourselves in an unpleasant situation for whatever reason, when we feel angry, feel accused, feel the "fight or flight" response, especially with a panic attack, that is the time to STOP what we're doing and/or saying/listening to. Just come to a dead STOP. We can remove ourselves from a situation, find a quiet place, even just ignore what is going on around us by closing our eyes and tuning out. Take a few deep breaths and cool down as much as possible. THINK of what happened to bring you to this point. If you are feeling bad about what you perceive was said or done, remember; FEELINGS AREN'T FACTS. FEELINGS are neither good nor bad. Feelings just are! Sometimes feelings within us get triggered by outside stimuli. We need to THINK things through to gain a better perspective rather than reacting to our feelings. A "knee jerk" is not the proper response when we are agitated. Checking out our thinking to see if there are any "Thinking Mistakes" is indeed the best choice.

After having sorted out our feelings and clarified them, checked to see if we were triggered unnecessarily, then we can decide if we need to ACT on those feelings. Many times, we'll find that there is no ACT necessary. If we find that an action is necessary, "I" statements could come into play if we feel we need to confront someone.

Like "Beauty is in the 'I'" talks about someone stating their opinion but in reverse. Tell the other person about YOU and what you perceive as being said or done. "I feel that..." "I was hurt when..." "I'm confused about..." Using "You Statements" only serves to make the other person defensive and angry because "You Statements" feel like attacks on the person listening.

Compare these two statements and see if you can feel the difference;

"You made me so angry when you said that!"

as opposed to

"I felt angry about a statement that was made."

Avoiding needless confrontations, mistakes in our thinking and/or actions goes a long way towards keeping our self-esteem intact.

It takes practice to even get yourself to STOP before reacting, but like all good things, it sure is worth it! When you've resolved the problem, you can walk away with a sense of self-satisfaction. It also enables you to maintain some control over the situation.

It's made my life a whole lot easier! Try it and see if you don’t get good results most of the time.

[Myzen]

Hi September,

I generally try to stay positive on the forum, but I have had some problems with the STA strategy, having learned it and used it in the past. Maybe someone can clear this up for me.

First, it hasn't worked with bullies. Telling someone who is having a go at me that they are making me feel hurt or angry has only seemed to give them the bloodscent and worsened the situation. On the few occasions that I have managed to say, 'You - get off my case, or else' or 'You are out of order' the result has been very much better.

So my first point is that revealing our feelings in the 'real' world can be counterproductive.

Second, there have been times when I know that people are screwing me, it has happened with colleagues and 'cliques' which have changed towards me. There was one time when a female colleague turned against me and had me cut out of social invitations from other colleagues. I raised this with one of the others in the classic STA way. This colleague said that I was being 'paranoid', but guess what, she never invited me again.

My point here is that if people are screwing you, it's no use showing your cards, for they are going to screw you anyway.

Sorry to be negative on this one, and I'm open to enlightenment.

Cheers, Myzen.

[SeptemberMorn]

Sadly, I agree with you. There are always going to be numbskulls that will take further advantage of you when you put your feelings out there, like bullies. They feed on making others feel bad.

You're perfectly right and addressing these people by "You." Bullies, in reality bully to make themselves feel stronger because in reality, they are very insecure personalitites. Emotionally immature people also will not respond very well to this strategy. My youngest has accused me of being self-centered "because everything is always about you." I've changed my tact with him from time to time and said "YOU said you would...!!" YOU promised me that...!" Usually, a shouting match ensues. Later I bring up the subject, we discuss the difference, and he's beginning to see the difference. But he's my son. We don't have that responsibility with others. I guess the answer is in knowing who you can discuss things with in this matter and who you can't. Still STOP, THINK, ACT can greatly help us with our own feelings and self-worth even if we leave out the "I" statements, don't you think?

[Wants2Fly]

Hi -- I agree that STA is a good procedure, and I agree that it is not appropriate for all situations.

But then, what is, besides breathing so that we don't fall over and die.

[SeptemberMorn]

</font><blockquote><div id="quote"><font class="small">Quote:</font>
But then, what is, besides breathing so that we don't fall over and die.

</div></font></blockquote><font class="post">

LMAO!! And a sense of humor to boot! LOL

[Myzen]

Hi September Morn,

I agree with you.

STA is effective as an internal tool, and helps to stop us second guessing situations, or overreacting.

I still use that part of it to get some objectivity on situations.

Cheers, Myzen.

[SeptemberMorn]

Way to go, Myzen! I find I keep my foot out of my mouth more often when I use it. LOL

[vacantangel]

</font><blockquote><div id="quote"><font class="small">Quote:</font>
</font><blockquote><div id="quote"><font class="small">Quote:</font>
But then, what is, besides breathing so that we don't fall over and die.

</div></font></blockquote><font class="post">

LMAO!! And a sense of humor to boot! LOL

</div></font></blockquote><font class="post">

I kinda like that one myself.

[vacantangel]

Ok, are you sitting down SeptMorn? Better grab yourself a chair before you read this response. Are you sitting yet?

Ok then, I think I finally 'got it'. Damn well took me long enough eh!!! Now don't expect perfection but I'm already putting it into practice.

[SeptemberMorn]

Here's wishing you more successes than failures.

[nothemama8]

What to do when this does not work
Angie