Yeah, kind of down on myself. Serious lack of self-esteem. I wonder why in the world my husband keeps me around and what he sees in me.

Yesterday I went shopping at Wal-Mart. Understand, first of all, that I was in a car accident several years ago and injured my lower spine, which now has arthritis. Physical therapy has built up quite a bit of muscle, and last fall I was able to ditch the cane I'd been using for years. Ocassionally I still need it, such as when I re-injure or overstrain myself, but I no longer have to use a cane all the time.

I had done quite a bit of walking yesterday, but by the time I started shopping, I could hardly walk any further. So I got a motor-cart.

And was immediately reminded in my head of some remark I'd read online about things you see at Wal-Mart. It was full of unflattering snark, such as "toothless people," "mothers with screaming children," etc. Included, "morbidly obese people riding motor-carts."

I'm plus-size, but not classified as "morbidly" obese. I'm not quite at that level. Think Camryn Manheim. Still, I'm fat enough to be judged. I realize that when a lot of people see a heavy person doing something like riding a motor-cart or parking in a handicapped space, "injured in a car accident" is not going to be among their first assumptions. It takes me back in my mind to the time when I walked from my grandmother's suburban home all the way to downtown--a distance of almost 9 miles. Didn't have bus fare. Had to walk it. Well, when I got downtown, I sat to rest on a bus bench, and heard someone actually say out loud, "Yeah, she'd better sit down! She's too fat to walk!" After I'd done all that walking, to hear someone say I'm too fat to walk, and shame me for merely sitting.

Nor can I eat in public without feeling like people are giving me a no-wonder-you're-so-fat look. Even if all I'm eating is a side salad.

So yesterday I'm riding around in that motor-cart, wondering how many people were thinking I was merely too fat to walk.

I even wondered *myself* if I was merely too fat to walk. Although for decades, I've been walking myself to death with no discernible change in my body size. I've actually sprained my hips from simply walking too much. I do it because I'm desperate for the exercise, so people will stop pointing out how fat I am, and if I'd just go out for a walk I might lose weight....

To sum it up: Boo-hiss at me.

[Hopeless_2010]

Gosh I know how you feel about thinking/feeling/knowing that people are staring and saying things like that. According to my doc and my Wii fit (lol) I am "obese". Being labled that kinda kicks ya. I am embarassed to eat out as I feel people are critiquing everything I eat and saying the same things that you think people are saying. Its a hard road and I am trying so hard to lose some weight but when your depressed it isn't as easy as just going out and doing something.

BUT....we are who we are and I know we are all unique and that is the way God intended it to be. We have to proud of ourselves for who we are! (Now if I could only take my own advice)

[perpetuallysad]

Sorry I just found this thread. I usually don't go outside of my main forum (bipolar), so forgive me for taking so long to respond.

First of all, when I see a bigger person riding a cart, or really anyone riding a cart, I usually have no thoughts about them one way or the other. If anything I may wonder how they got hurt, but in a sympathetic way. I can honestly say I've never just looked at someone in a cart and thought "Wow, what a lazy fat ***!" and I hope I'm not the exception to the rule. People say a lot of derogatory things about walmart and I can understand, but most of the bad things about walmart are about walmart's practices and not the people that go there. If I didn't have a walmart in my town (I live in rural MS) most everyone would have no place to shop.

You also mentioned some other things that make me think that perhaps you have some problems with anxiety. I am extremely self-conscious, really its to the point that I have agoraphobia and I can hardly make myself go in public. Truthfully, I really don't even look at myself in a mirror. I am exactly like you, I feel like when I walk into a place that all of the sudden everyone's attention is on me and they are certainly thinking about how ugly, gross, fat, disgusting I must be.

Do you have a therapist? I think that if you could find a way to see one, you would feel a lot better, or at least work to feel a lot better.

[Rohag]

As an agoraphobe with a low startle threshold and an intolerance for stress, I'm mostly housebound and avoid confrontations. But I imagine confrontations. I imagine what I might say in certain situations.

"Good one! Insult four other people and you will have reached your antisocial quota for the day."

"Ah sir, feel taller now that you've stepped on someone else?"

"True, my obesity is obvious. Pedophilia is not so obvious."

"You pretend to know the whys and wherefores of my manifest shame. We'd like to know the whys and wherefores of your hidden shame."

Etc.

[perpetuallysad]

Rohag, you are always so funny! Hehehehe

[lynn P.]

Sorry you're feeling frustrated ((LovebirdsFlying)). You're right it's down right wrong for people to weight discriminate. Would you mind if I ask, are you interested to taking some weight off? Since you have arthritis it would ease your pain if you could lose some weight. I won't go into detail now since you're feeling discouraged, but I would be happy to discuss it another time. If a person is over weight but happy then I say let them be, but if it's affecting their health, then I think it's good to challenge that. I saw on the nightly news the other day, something very shocking-it said 75% of Canadian's and U.S. residents are over weight. I hope you feel better.

[Lilyan]

This is my first day on the site, and I know I'll be enriched by the multiple perspectives and resposes to the post.

[Perna]

You don't know any of those people! Who cares what they say/think in their ignorant little heads? You'll never see them again. Too, they didn't say it so you can't know what they're thinking! Stay out of other people's supposed heads! :-)

If you think something unpleasant about yourself, just acknowledge it and move on. Our thoughts and feelings are there to HELP us!!! If you feel you are too heavy, that's information, not a stick to beat yourself with. Your back will probably feel better without quite so much weight to carry. Fine, when you get a chance you'll maybe work on that. THANK yourself for telling you, keeping you informed what you are thinking and feeling. Think about what the alternative would be like?

Whenever I am sad or have an unpleasant thought I think about the situation I am in and ask myself, "in this situation, what would you expect to feel?" You're not going to laugh at a funeral are you? No! There's nothing wrong with looking at morbidly obese people (and I am one!) riding in carts (I don't) and thinking that you don't want to be like that! We've all watched The Biggest Loser and know that a lot of obesity is our eating too much of the "wrong" things and not exercising enough! I don't want the health problems that come with that! But cut yourself a break; you did good physical therapy and got rid of your cane most of the time; it's a process, isn't going to happen all at once.