[Indie'sOK]

I don't know if it's caused from low self-esteem or not, but it seems like I always need my feelings or achievements or whatever to be validated by others. I realize that this is most likely normal, but I know I always focus on the negative opinions, say, of my writing, rather than the positive ones. Is there any help for this? Can therapy help me? I still feel like I've got a ways to go with my T. Does anyone else feel the need to be validated by everyone? Everyone always tells me to not care what others think of me. No one ever tells me how not to.

[PoetKenshin]

Oh hell, that's a tough question...I still struggle with it myself. I always feel like if someone doesn't tell me i did a good job then i take it as it wasn't good enough so i seek out others to tell me that. ways how to not care what people think....i think if you just sit and concentrate on the task at hand like writing, if you sit down and think hard to yourself what could go into what or how to improve your craft then you'll find yourself too tired to even think about what everyone else thinks. it's kind of like if you wear yourself out mentally thinking of something you want to work on then you'll be able to block out what other people think. i hope that makes sense

[Perna]

You have to like yourself and trust your own judgment. Do you journal at all? That helped me get started. Just enjoy some of the ideas you come up with, your sense of humor, the way you approach certain things and "remember" that you enjoy those and use that person, whom you enjoy as a friend. We all talk to ourselves, start saying encouraging things to yourself, from this person that is creative, humorous, honest, warm and comforting, etc. so you have an internal two-way going that's as interesting and pleasant as friends on the outside. Then the two of you will do something and be quite happy about it and other people will enjoy it and you'll enjoy their enjoyment. If they don't enjoy it, don't comment, you won't "notice" particularly because you, yourself like it.

[Indie'sOK]

Thank you both for your replies. Yes I do journal, but I get bored with it. That's part of the problem..I'm bored with my life, and with myself. I used to love art and writing, used to be motivated to do them. I don't know where that went. I feel bad about it. I feel like a self centered brat, like I complain a lot about issues that aren't even there. Maybe it's my fault because I don't try to add more variety to my life. I know why this is. I know why I don't try to help myself more, but I'm too ashamed to admit it. It's so pathetic. I feel like people would think less of me because of it.

[Perna]

What helped me in your situation was getting "out" a bit more, if only to walk around the block. Go to the library or other public places and just hang out a bit, around other people? I keep thinking I might want to take my laptop to the library and work since my county has internet access in all the branches near me.

Maybe come up with a little, "interesting" challenge for yourself; walk around the block every evening at exactly 8:30 and then record your "best" thought in that 15-30 minute period? Something like that. For awhile I was using my camera and taking one picture a day that best illustrated that day? Getting out and "seeing" things and getting fresh air can only help your writing.

Do you know Julia Cameron's The Artist's Way http://www.theartistsway.com/

It literally changed my life regarding writing, got me all re-enthused and creative, etc.

[Psyched]

Hi IndieSoul,

The one thing that I've always wanted to do for a career was to be a writer. I'm an avid reader, & have journaled/written poetry since the age of 14, which was my only outlet & what saved my life. Later on, I started doing collages to express myself. I have a great appreciation for art, but don't think I'm very talented. Well, in the past few years, I've stopped doing all three of those things. I think I've lost interest b/c I'm so depressed, when writing & doing artwork is the very thing I need to be doing to get my mind out of this dark place.
Perna, I have the book The Artist's Way, & I agree that it's wonderful & inspiring. I've started it several times, but my depression gets in the way & my enthusiasm recedes. Would anyone be interesting in doing a group chat based on the book? We could support & encourage each other to keep with it.
Back to your initial q.- Yes, I am constantly looking for validation & it's exhausting. Usually, when people notice how hard I'm trying, they will take advantage of it. So, I'm trying very hard to learn to stop doing that & validate myself. My dx is Borderline Personality Disorder, which culminates in large part due to parents/family who invalidate our thoughts & feelings as children. This is why I constantly seek it from others. Idk if you have that dx, but it might be worth looking into the reasons why you do it, since it's a recurring pattern.
Please let me know what you think about the chat. Thanks.

[Indie'sOK]

Originally Posted by Psyched

Hi IndieSoul,

The one thing that I've always wanted to do for a career was to be a writer. I'm an avid reader, & have journaled/written poetry since the age of 14, which was my only outlet & what saved my life. Later on, I started doing collages to express myself. I have a great appreciation for art, but don't think I'm very talented. Well, in the past few years, I've stopped doing all three of those things. I think I've lost interest b/c I'm so depressed, when writing & doing artwork is the very thing I need to be doing to get my mind out of this dark place.
Perna, I have the book The Artist's Way, & I agree that it's wonderful & inspiring. I've started it several times, but my depression gets in the way & my enthusiasm recedes. Would anyone be interesting in doing a group chat based on the book? We could support & encourage each other to keep with it.
Back to your initial q.- Yes, I am constantly looking for validation & it's exhausting. Usually, when people notice how hard I'm trying, they will take advantage of it. So, I'm trying very hard to learn to stop doing that & validate myself. My dx is Borderline Personality Disorder, which culminates in large part due to parents/family who invalidate our thoughts & feelings as children. This is why I constantly seek it from others. Idk if you have that dx, but it might be worth looking into the reasons why you do it, since it's a recurring pattern.
Please let me know what you think about the chat. Thanks.

my dx is generalized anxiety disorder, but I'm not sure about depression yet. I've got a thread in the depression forum about that too. I think the chat is a wonderful idea, and I will have to read that book It sounds like something I would really enjoy.

[kitten16]

God IndieSoul, I'm exactly like this. I don't really have any advice for you, just saying you're not alone!

I've been this way for decades and I don't know if I'll ever change. My thing is that I'm convinced that I won't ever get others' approval, even though I require it. Desperately. It's kind of a contradiction. So I avoid people so as to avoid their rejection. Of course, I end up avoiding anything good they could give me, too. It's a real bind, and very much a conscious thing (now), but so difficult to change...Anyway, I feel ya!

[Fuzzybear]

(((((((((((((( IndieSoul ))))))))))))))))

[shezbut]

Kitten16 took the words out of my mouth

This tendency of mine greatly affects my close relationships. I don't accept compliments well at all. I openly refuse or I'll counter their compliment by pointing out other supportive negative aspects of myself. I have realized my cause to be self-hate. I think that I have to accept the past before I can get past the self-hate. That's what I think anyway.

[PeculiarGroove]

((indiesoul)) I know exactly how you feel X

[Katileena]

I actually posted a thread in this forum about the exact same issue....the title was "Validation" hahaha apparently there are alot of us who feel we need others' approval!

[hawthoerne]

You can get better about it, i have
I am still struggling as well so i know how you feel