[Elana05]

I am waiting for AD to kick in (??) But I'm still dealing with anxiety at night. I have been out of work for a while now. I have been leaning on my dad for money for therapy, pharm. doctor and some bills. I hate having to do that. I haven't felt like working AT ALL. It's a good day when I can take care of the house/shopping/dishes etc. I have felt exhausted most of the time and the idea of going back to retail makes me nauseous. Work has always been awful for me and I have never done anything I have liked. I'd put on a smile for customers (or be filing) and feel dead inside. I am starting to wonder how much this has been tied directly to anxiety and depression. I did well when I went to college for biology and I also love to paint and draw. I know I am capable. But I just don't believe it could ever be tied to my own life. That is for other people. Not me. My future is to go back to a job where I can zone out and watch the hours pass without meaning and wish I were somewhere else. As long as I earn money so I don't have to take another cent. To me, work is supposed to make you sick. I am going over this with T, but there are days when I just can't get it out of my head. Sorry about this long rambling post.

Accepting our own fallibility can be challenging. Appears you will be keeping your therapist busy for awhile.

Good luck.

[Elana05]

It had been difficult for me to admit that my depression could have made me miserable at work, and also kept me from seeking out a better job in an area that interests me. It has been easier for me to just not look at it. I grew up with my mother hopping from one job to another. She has always been good at her jobs, but nothing has ever made her happy. I also grew up with my father making fun of her and me for our diverse interests (they're divorced). A few years ago my dad said to me, "face it, you've never made a good decision in your life." I can't get this statement out of my head and, yeah, it is going to keep me in therapy for awhile. He's wrong. I have made some very good decisions. I think just haven't been able to pull myself into satisfying work because of my low self esteem. Has anyone else ever thought about other work - but felt trapped by depression?

What a tragic thing for a father to say to his child. I stayed in a profession I did not really care about for over twenty years. I finally quit because of burnout and depression.

I say this to encourage you to think better of yourself. Just a thought. Perhaps having a more satisfying job would help you gain self-esteem?

Good luck.

[concern1970]

I really do feel for you as I have suffered in this category, with low self esteem and have gone from one job to another feeling inadequate in them. I dont know there was always something saying, your not doing you job properly and everyone is laughing at you, so I would put my notice in or just leave. The job I am in now is with older people and I truely believe each day I go, I am learning and growing in more ways than I know, so all I can say to you is find something that you dont feel self concious about and you get a passion for, and just do the best you can. One of my customers always used to say this quote to me " I'm no better than anyone else and they are no better than me", and by the way he was 99 years of age, so hearing this I put into action and I quote it daily to myself and I find it helps, hope you find your way soon....

[Perna]

If I were you I would spend some time doing some daydreaming, maybe with some Barbara Sher books (library should have them, start with Wishcraft as it's the basis and the other books just sort of add on) http://www.barbarasher.com/

I would blame the retail jobs for most of my depression and actively look for what I wanted to do; what do you have to lose, you don't have a job now and don't feel you can look for one so use the time to "entertain" yourself by educating yourself as to what you would like, if you could like something?

My sister was a biology graduate in 1959 and in the 1990's, after not working all those years, had to figure out how to get a job. She went back to school to get her RN but did not like the studying so dropped out. But now she works for an NIH project, supervising the data collection for experiments. She worked before/after going to school by starting her own wallpapering/painting company (until she got "too old" and her back was not happy with that) and also as a aide at an assisted nursing facility. That helped us a whole lot when our mother needed such a facility, she was able to get her in that facility, which was close to her home, etc. and was a wonderful place.

Remember, you may feel depressed but the world does not :-) There's lots out there that is possible, could be interesting to do.